Have you ever been stalked? No? Well don't worry, you will be. That's according to the new trailer for CBS's “Stalker,” a show that stars Maggie Q as the beautiful head of the stalking division (I guess) and Dylan McDermott as her saucy “never married” new partner, because sexual tension/gay tendencies? Did I mention they're both haunted by their respective pasts? Oh, the manufactured pathos!
Anyway, I'm terrified now. Legitimately, throat-clutchingly terrified that someone is going to kill me in my apartment tonight in the scariest way imaginable, with a knife or a gun or a hammer even. And you should be too. To justify your growing dread, here are six things that will now probably happen to you because you watched the “Stalker” trailer.
1. Someone is going to hide behind your shower curtain and then murder you.
Step 1: Buy a clear shower curtain so that this doesn't happen. Step 2: Be murdered anyway. (See: Sensible Ponytail Girl Who Gets Blown Up In Opening Scene)
2. Your roommate is going to become obsessed with you.
It's been a long time since “Single White Female” and at least three years since Leighton Meester's “The Roommate,” so you may have forgotten how dangerous roommates are. Well, here's a friendly reminder: fucking run. The person you thought you knew is dangerously unbalanced and is probably planning on killing you in the very near future (read: tonight.)
3. A man in a black hood is going to attack you in your parking garage.
Whether at home or at work, he will find you and assault you as you're getting out of the elevator. Word of advice: invest in some pepper spray immediately. Unless, of course, you're a fan of dying. If so, then by all means don't buy the pepper spray.
4. You're going to discover a creepy secret viewing room in your home.
When you get home tonight, measure the dimensions of every single room to be certain no mysterious gaps exist in your floor plan. If they do, then here's what you do: YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY LADY, because there's obviously a deranged killer on the other side of the wall right now who is watching your every move while violently masturbating.
5. Someone is hiding in a crawlspace under your house and they are going to kidnap you and then kill you.
Don't turn your back on that trapdoor. DON'T DO IT. Better yet, bolt that thing down, because if you don't some maniac is going to jump out and grab you while you're getting some random shit out of your closet. And then once they have you tied up, they're going to burn you alive as you plead for your life. The more you know!
6. Someone is going to mimic a dumb movie cliche just before murdering you
You get in your vehicle and you think you're safe, and then guess what, Neve Campbell? The guy in the black hood has your keys. Also, he just poured gasoline all over that shiny new SUV you're so proud of. How's it different from the scene in “Scream”? In that one the girl actually lives. Whoosh! Boom! Toast.
“Stalker” premieres this fall on CBS.Subscribe to UPROXX