Taylor Swift is going to sing! And another couple is going home. But Taylor Swift is going to sing! Of course, she hasn’t really been under wraps this week or anything. I feel like I can turn on ABC almost any time of day, and she’s right there, promoting her new album, “Red.” She must be exhausted. But hey, you can never get too much Taylor Swift, right? Oh, and we’re also getting some Jason Mraz, so it’s a red letter day. Or “Red” letter. Your choice.
The judges have to pick a dance to se again, and Len requests Apolo & Karina. It’s still very graceful and pretty and not as impressive to me as it seems to be to the judges, but really, it’s very good.
Tom Bergeron informs us that tonight he’ll be calling couples onto the block in reverse order of where they stand in the judges’ ratings. Ooh, a twist! Kind of. Not really. All this says to me is that someone completely unexpected is going home tonight, because if it was one of the bottom two, it would be a pretty boring show.
Are bottom two are, of course, Emmitt & Cherely and Kelly & Val. Emmitt & Cheryl are safe. Kelly & Val are… probably not. Wait, they’re not! They’re safe. Pretend to be shocked.
Jason Mraz performs “I Won’t Give Up.”
Upstairs, Brooke is talking to Kelly and Val. Kelly thought she was definitely going home, but she’s very grateful to the fans. She really should be, honestly. Are Sabrina and Louis nervous? Huh, are they? Sabrina resists punching Brooke and says she’s dancing for the fans. Derek has injured a vertebrae in his neck, so if he’s here next week, he’s going to have to ask Mark Ballas to take his place. Shawn just wants him to get better.
Time for more results. Derek is offended by Len’s low scores. Eh, he’s old. Gilles and Peta will also be on the block. Gilles did not enjoy his solo, by the way. Kirstie felt humbled by getting high scores.
Derek & Shawn are safe. Gilles & Peta are… also safe. Kirstie & Maks are… safe. Okay, color me shocked. So who the heck is going home?
Ooh, a package about people cracking up. Oh, not really. All the remaining celebs are going to talk about how hard this show is. Yes, it’s almost as hard as eating out of dumpsters or getting a Ph.D. Oh, no, not really. It’s actually a really fun TV show that gives celebrities free dance lessons.
Hey, time for a dance from real, live professionals! It’s a Stars of Dance performance from Macy’s, plug, plug! And it’s themed to the French Revolution. Or at least all the female dancers are dressed like swanky Marie Antoinettes. This is, I guess, a little confection from Katie Perry’s choreographer, and it is awfully impressive. Love this stuff, but it does have the unfortunate side effect of making our celebrities look like an intermediate Arthur Murray dance class.
One of the top three scoring couples will be going home tonight! What? Oh, wait, the judges have to explain dance fusion. Which is a fusion of dances. Yes, I needed that explanation! But apparently the dancers are overwhelmed and confused! Emmitt calls it dance confusion. But Derek likes it, and so does Shawn. These two are completely unflappable.
Time to pick fusion dances!
Kirstie & Maks pick first. They pick for Melissa & Tony. Kirstie is furious when Maks chooses tango/cha cha, because Kirstie wanted that one!
Kelly & Val pick for Gilles & Peta. They give them Argentine tango/samba. None of these combinations seem terrible to me, so there’s not really an element of “sticking” someone with a bad dance. Which is kind of the point of this process, but the other point is to waste time, and in that respect this is hugely successful.
Emmitt & Cheryl choose for Sabrina & Louis. They give them tango/foxtrot.
Apolo & Karina pick for Kirstie & Maks. They choose quickstep/samba. Kirstie pretends to be horrified. But she isn’t. Because NO ONE REALLY HAS ANY IDEA WHAT THIS IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE.
Melissa & Tony pick for Shawn & Derek. Tango/paso double. Shawn hugs Melissa, so this couldn’t be too scary.
Shawn & Derek pick for Emmitt & Cheryl. They choose rumba/samba.
Sabrina & Louis pick for Kelly & Val. They give them… cha cha/foxtrot
Why do I think all of these will probably look the same?
Apolo & Karina get the last one, a cha cha/paso doble.
Taylor Swift performs “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Not many people could rock a red bow tie and a polka dot button down without looking like a waitress at a ’50s diner, but she’s totally cute.
Tom asks her to clarify — is this a Sean Connery never, which isn’t really a never, but Taylor fills us in — it’s a never, like, ever.
So, more couples on the block. Apolo & Karina got a 30! Whoot! Melissa & Tony almost got a 30. Sabrina & Louis got a 30. Sabina cries. Louis cries. But it’s all good, because Sabrina got a free therapy session.
So, WHO IS GOING HOME? And when is New Jersey getting power back?
Who is safe? Melissa & Tony are safe. I think Sabrina & Louis are going home.
Apolo has gotten the most perfect scores in the history of “DWTS.” Huh.
The couple leaving the competition. Right now. Is….
Wait for it…
Sabrina & Louis.
I’m not surprised, simply because The Cheetah Girls fan base isn’t exactly huge. How much does this hurt, Sabrina? She got a second chance and she had such a beautiful night last night, she’s grateful. The judges look sad. Tom looks sad and a little angry. Louis says he loves Sabrina and they’re time together isn’t over. He’s only had the experience he had with Sabrina last night one other time, with Kelly Osbourne.
Sabrina then walks to the center of the stage and sobs. I think she’s more than a little devastated. This is a shame, but then, this season is going to be tough. Still, I can’t believe Kirstie is still in it. I want to give her credit for being the oldest celeb currently on the show, but let’s face it, she’s just not that good. Maybe the judges will think about that before they hand her such high scores next week.
Were you surprised by the results? What did you think of Taylor Swift? And are you looking forward to dance fusion?