Samuel L. Jackson is doing a nice thing. In an attempt to raise money for his favorite charity, the Alzheimer’s Association, the actor has promised to tape himself reading a 300-word fan-written monologue. Perhaps lacking foresight, however, Samuel L. is running the contest through Reddit — where the average maturity level tends to hover somewhere between 5th-grade-boy-who-has-just-discovered-innuendo and overtired Johnny Knoxville. The deal is, whichever monologue gets the most upvotes by the end of today, gets read. And it probably isn’t going to be Shakespeare.
For example, comedian and “Bob’s Burgers” actor Eugene Mirman has written something filthy just for Mr. Jackson:
“God, I”m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I”ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese. Why? I don”t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then – BAM! – “Fill my p*ssy with cream cheese! I f*cking dare you!” I”m sure of two things – she”s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it”s not even f*cking real cream cheese. She”s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it”s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-sh*t. Can”t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.
I”ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I”m pretty sure her p*ssy is eating it! Ha! Who would”ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world”s nuclear reactors, I”d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?
I didn”t really play Truth or Dare growing up – once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he sh*t himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I”m a scary motherf*cker.
It”s funny, down here, I”ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to – I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.”s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I f*cking love you.”
I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I’d like to see what he could do with this, but cream cheese? Sam Jackson has always seemed more like a butter-in-the-vagina man to me.
But you, you are free to head over and vote for whatever you like. And donate some money if you want. There could be a signed Kangol hat in it for you.