We”ve loved her since she was not a girl, but not yet a woman, so it”s shocking to think that Britney Spears turns 30 today. In honor of Brit Brit reaching this major milestone (only 20 more years before she”s AARP eligible!), we pick the 5 BEST and 5 WORST videos by the pop icon. Reviewing several dozen clips, it”s clear that Spears primarily operates in two modes: looking straight into the camera with a “F*** me”stare or looking straight into the camera with a “I need you to take care of me” stare and there”s not even one shade of difference between the two. Oh, and she flips her blonde hair around in every video. With.Out.Fail.
“….Baby One More Time”: It”s the video that started it all and began a run on naughty school girl outfits. It still makes us cringe, but we remember the A&R exec who worked with Spears talking about how the video should make men want to “defile” her. Success… Watch it below.
Womanizer: At a time when Spears was trying to prove that she could come back from some truly terrible times, personally and professionally, this clip shows that she was still hotter than hot–literally — as she poses coyily nude in a sauna, and through a variety of different scenarios as she tries to teach a bad boy a few good lessons. She leaves everyone a little hot and bothered by the end. I got your crazy.
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“I”m A Slave 4 U”: There”s not much going on her, but she has seldom looked hotter than she does in this steamy clip as bodies writhe and sweat all in the effort of “getting it.” She”s so sultry, she even how the power to make it rain.
“Toxic”: One of the few Spears” videos that tries to actually have a plot. She appears to be an international woman of mystery, taking on lots of different personas, straight out of a video game. The interstitial video of her rolling around in a see-through leotard is really beside the point when there”s so much action to be had on Toxic Air.
“Stronger”: Want proof that Spears used to be able to really dance instead of walk around in some automaton state that passes for her dancing now? Check out this video. Sure, there”s the very strange subplot where we”re not sure if she actually died in that car accident.
“Criminal”: Great: We”ve got Spears” stilted acting in this clip combined with her agent-turned-boyfriend”s hopeless thespian skills in a second-rate, soft-core porn/robbery escapade. I’d like to issue a citizen’s arrest.
“Sometimes”: This looks more like a cross between a workout video and an ad for Club Med. Little Britney is trying to emote her vulnerability, but the shots of her cozying up to a telescope defeat the purpose, as well as her total lack of chemistry with the male lead. If you think her difficulties lip-syncing are new, this video proves, conclusively, they are really not, my friend.
“Hold It Against Me”: This big, big budget clip would make the list simply for the sheer amount of product placements we”re subjected to, but it is really a horrible video from the idea of the amazon bride with the eyeless dancers to the failed futuristic theme to the Rocky Horror Picture Show red lips to the fight scenes. It is a hot mess from start to finish that defies explanation. It”s like a really, really bad dream that you can”t wait to wake up from.
“3”: Where to start? How about the bad hair extensions which the cinematographer shows way more love to than he shows Spears here. Or how about the fact that she”s singing about a menage a trois and the video is about is sexy as a colonoscopy. She leaves the dancing to the others, as her hand seems to be glued to the bar she”s holding onto for dear life about 75% of the video.
“If U Seek Amy”: Irritating from the opening because of stupidity of the “hidden” message in the title, the video is more unsexy writhing. What makes this one all the more tragic is that the ending, in which Spears emerges from the orgy as the perfect American housewife, hints at a much more interesting, compelling video. What a waste.
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