In an alleged interview with the publication “Frequencies,” the petulant plagiarist Shia LaBeouf was — get this — highly quotable. He claims he has enough money for 25 lifetimes and can't be “George Clooney diplomatic” as as interviewee because he doesn't “give a f*ck.” Ah. That must be it.
According to an addendum on Vulture's posting of this story, the “Frequencies” team comprised their exclusive LaBeouf interview of quotes the actor has given over the years, so it's not an official interview. It's unclear whether LaBeouf worked with the journal or if it's a gag designed to point out that, I guess, Shia LaBeouf sometimes says ridiculous things.
Nevertheless: The strangest and (I guess) best part of his interview is an anecdote about Jaden Smith, the son of Will Smith who starred in that “Karate Kid” remake and has famously unconventional ideas about math. The 27-year-old actor recalled a very strange story about Smith that will surely rile you with its horrifying details. Vulture transcribed it below. But just keep one small, unimportant, minor question in mind as you read this anecdote: Is this real at all?
“[Jaden]'s a lunatic. He told me the craziest story at Sundance about how he used to be a glassblower. He was glassblowing, he said, in his boxers in his garage, and one of the bubbles popped. The glass got on his dick, and it wouldn't get off, because it's like molten lava when it comes off the bubble. He said he went to the hospital and at the hospital they said, 'Look, we can't remove the glass because doing so will puncture a vein and then we'll have to sever your penis.' So his wife called him 'glass dick.'”
Well, that's just shocking. Especially because:
1) Jaden Smith does not have a wife.
2) Jaden Smith is 15 years old.
3) That is an awfully sassy nonexistent wife.
4) Is Jaden Smith a glassblower? Is that possible?
5) Are there any glass scientists in the house to verify glass' oil-and-vinegar relationship with penis skin?
6) Does this mean Shia LaBeouf actually listened to someone else speak for a few minutes?
7) Is “Jaden Smith” perhaps a pseudonym for… Shia LaBeouf?