The MTV Movie Awards are well over 20 years old, but this year's telecast will give us its greatest battle of all: Peeta Mellark vs. Solomon Northup in the Best Male Performance category. Oh, yes. Hutcherson vs. Ejiofor. District 12 vs. 12 Years a Slave. Get into it.
Follow along as Hitfix live-blogs the 2014 MTV Movie Awards (hosted by Conan O'Brien) and drop your comments at the bottom. Join the discussion as we celebrate, enjoy, scream at, and mock MTV's answer to the Oscars. Or at least the Saturn Awards.
5:44 p.m. PST: Tyler Posey is hosting some red carpet action. I'm convinced that “Teen Wolf” is just one gigantic Evanescence video.
5:45 p.m: Oh, cute! Dogs dressed in movie-themed outfits. Their abject misery is adorbz.
5:49 p.m.: Miles Teller appears to be wearing three actual cakes full of makeup. He looks delicious and deserves a fondant topping.
5:56 p.m.: Nicki Minaj looks suspicious and angry, and I've never liked her more.
5:57 p.m.: I literally have an entirely new opinion of Nick Minaj when she's not pinata-colored. She usually looks like Lil Kim as directed by Baz Luhrmann.
5:58 p.m.: Shailene Woodley in that “Fault in Our Stars” clip is priceless. That hair is pure vintage Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
6:00 p.m.: Conan O'Brien is opening this ceremony the right way: by reminding us that there's no use criticizing him when, in fact, this ceremony was once hosted by Jean Claude Van Damme.
6:02 p.m.: LUPITA APPEARS in the Conan montage. Oh no. This might actually be a real awards show.
6:03 p.m.: Taylor Swift appears. Woah. ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?!
6:04 p.m.: Jack White is one of the 50 celebrities in the opening montage. He has spent more than a decade looking like the coolest Sara Gilbert ever.
6:05 p.m: There's Conan onstage with a giant, fiery, Spinal Tap spectacle-sized Golden Popcorn. Apocalyptic treats. “Welcome to the Satanic cult awards!” he shouts. Holler.
6:07 p.m.: What exactly is the red spiral Conan is standing on? It's like a lewd Rolling Stones graphic.
6:08 p.m.: “Grumpy Cat has a better seat than Nick Lachey!” says Conan. Abs are also comparable, I hear.
6:09 p.m.: This Vine segment isn't bad. Turns out “American Hustle” is just people in whodunit costumes weeping.
6:10 p.m.: Conan invents the category “Best Kissfight.” Will Arnett is now dueling him with smooches, and I am either traumatized or finally alive.
6:12 p.m.: Conan's singing a song about not singing a song. It's a little like watching the world's biggest Tenacious D fan argue that he should join the band.
6:13 p.m.: Lupita Nyong'o almost didn't make the ceremony because her dress was JUST pulled out of the Spirograph.
6:14 p.m.: “Best Onscreen Transformation” goes to Jared Leto. He still looks like Princess Vespa's stunt double in “Spaceballs.”
6:16 p.m.: Oh, here's Jared attempting to give the sensitive Oscar speech he forgot to give at the Oscars. “Onscreen Transformation” is an uncomfortable honor for this movie. It's like they're rewarding a stigmatized epidemic for being a stunt.
6:18 p.m.: Did anyone else just start weeping at the thought of Lupita's appearance on this telecast being over?
6:22 p.m.: Leto's speech WAS effective though. Probably the best I've seen from him, and I think I've seen 405 Jared Leto speeches in the past three months.
6:23 p.m.: Amanda Seyfried and Seth MacFarlane are joking about the hardest thing for an actor: comedy. They are proving this!!!
6:24 p.m.: Congratulations to Amanda Seyfried for over a decade of portraying high-schoolers.
6:25 p.m.: Jonah Hill won a “Best Comedic Performance” trophy. I hope he uses this as an opportunity to take himself seriously.
6:27 p.m.: 21 Pilots are performing! Imagine if Jason Mraz was so angry. That's what I'm getting from this.
6:29 p.m.: 21 Pilots and the whole crowd are wearing white masks. Ahhhhh! It looks exactly like a room of Academy voters.
6:31 p.m.: Just saw Zac Efron and Josh Hutcherson hug. Just backflipped through the ceiling.
6:34 p.m.: I think we need more Conan here. But at the same time, I think we're racing through categories and performances. And I think I prefer this swiftness. Well done, Conan?
6:37 p.m.: Apparently the only movie to win both the Oscar for Best Picture and the MTV Movie Award for Best Film is “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.” I think “12 Years” could be the second to do it. What else would take it? “American Hustle”? Please.
6:39 p.m.: Jared Leto is presenting Best Villain because we are out of celebrities.
6:40 p.m.: Mila Kunis won for Best Villain in “Oz: The Great and Green-Screened.” Uh. Margaret Hamilton is cackling in agony from the grave.
6:42 pm.: I saw “Oz: The Great and Powerful” with a mild-mannered date. We walked out of the theater, and I asked the gentle soul what he thought. Sputtering, he replied, “TERRRRRIBLE.” I literally think he was transformed into a caustic misanthrope because of this film.
6:44 p.m.: Best Shirtless Performance is coming up. This is like a Nobel Prize for symmetrical nipples.
6:47 p.m.: Zac Efron has been preparing this speech all year. And I think Jessica Alba said “EEEFron.”
6:50 p.m.: ZAC IS DEEPLY SHIRTLESS. ALL SEXUALITIES COLLIDE. WE ARE EQUAL.
6:52 p.m.: Ellen Page was speechless after seeing Zac Efron shirtless. The math is confounding and beautiful.
6:54 p.m.: I'm worried that a sense of unbearable loneliness is coming over Zac Efron as he puts his shirt back on.
6:55 p.m.: Shirtless Zac Efron is the most gorgeous Mattel product I've ever seen.
6:58 p.m.: Channing Tatum is winning the “Trailblazer” award. Indeed he did blaze his happy trail for “Magic Mike.”
7:00 p.m.: Channing Tatum has actually been in a number of movies that had no right to be as good as they were. “21 Jump Street,” the “Step Up” stuff, “Magic Mike.”
7:02 p.m.: Jonah Hill is toasting Channing Tatum and called him a “truthful actor.” In that case, let's hope Channing announces that Jonah Hill is a little unbearable.
7:04 p.m.: Channing is giving a good, sincere speech. Jonah is off to the side muttering, “Hehehhe, I have as many Oscar nominations as Vivien Leigh, hehehehehehhe.”
7:06 p.m.: Channing Tatum is hopefully locating Zac Efron backstage and telling him he's still special with shirt on. I'm scared for Zac.
7:08: Orlando Bloom is here! I loved him in all those movies and one role.
7:10: Eminem and Rihannaaaa. Eminem is basically just Pitbull with slightly less emphysema.
7:11: I'm trying to understand Rihanna's “FEAR” headband. Except then she distracts me with the weirdest squeaking ever. So I guess she wins.
7:13: “The Monster” feat. Rihanna is leaving me “Numb” feat. Eminem.
7:14: Dave Franco, Zac Efron, and Seth Rogen are auctioning off kisses. YES/YES/EHHH.
7:16: OK. I admit I laughed at Rogen's kiss with his mother. But I just saw Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt kiss and remembered what a shocking mouth vortex actually looks like.
7:18: Somebody who kissed Emma Roberts is giving a speech. More importantly: Dave Franco is about 4'7. James Franco's not that short, is he? James, please reach out and answer this.
7:20: Andrew Garfield is currently the only superhero actor we have who doesn't look exactly like vintage Fabio from the neck down. I think we should celebrate him more, even if “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” had a silly teaser clip, last I checked.
7:24: Oh, Conan! Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien is still here.
7:26: Nicki Minaj took about 38 minutes to saunter onto stage, and somehow it felt shorter than that “Roman” performance from the Grammys.
7:27: Leslie Mann, Nicki Minaj, and Katie Upton are pretty smiley for people who — collectively — make less than 20% of Cameron Diaz's salary a year.
7:28: “I've got a pair of bongos you can play.” Nicki Minaj killed it with that line delivery.
7:29: Josh Hutcherson says all the women onstage are so tall. Close! You are memorably short.
7:30: Josh Hutcherson deserves an award for having, perhaps, the most rhombus face in the universe. Get out the protractor.
7:31: Jordana Brewster seems cool. And considering she stars in the “Fast & Furious” movies while bearing a startling resemblance to a '70s superstar, I have to call her “Gasoline Ali MacGraw.”
7:34: God, that “Blended” trailer. I remember when Adam Sandler trailers didn't immediately induce a hemorrhage. Well, I used to remember. Can't now. Because of hemorrhaging.
7:37: Thrilled that Shailene Woodley won the Jennifer Lawrence Couldn't Attend So Thank God Shailene Woodley Won award.
7:38: Aaron Taylor-Johnson deserves an award for not asphyxiating in that nimbus blast of fog.
7:40: Orlando Bloom looks like if Josh Hutcherson were a pretentious art dealer.
7:41: We're taking “a look back” at Mark Wahlberg's career. I'm not seeing much in the way of either Hanes or vibrations of goodness.
7:42: “C'mawwwn. Wheeere's the 'Mawky Mawk' stuff? Where is it, Dickie?” — Melissa Leo in “The Fighter” complaining about Mark Wahlberg's career retrospective on this telecast.
7:44: Wahlberg calls the lifetime achivement award the “You're f*cking done” award. “It was a great run,” he laments. He is swearing a lot. Like, Madonna-on-Letterman numbers.
7:46: Mark Wahlberg just referred to his own wife as “a former Victoria's Secret model.” That's sort of hilarious from someone who routinely shuts down interviewers for bringing up his rap career.
7:49: I keep forgetting about the new “Godzilla” movie. Hoping it doesn't fill me with contempt like Puff Daddy's “Kashmir” remix from the last “Godzilla” movie.
7:53: Andrew Garfield can't remember his laptop password and everyone is suggesting Britishisms it could be. What a COLOURFUL comic bit.
7:54: If you're white and in superhero movies, you just have to be cute. If you're black in superhero movies, you have to be an Oscar winner.
7:56: Ellie Goulding! Probably my favorite female singer who sounds like a little hopeful British boy on Christmas morning.
7:58: WHO IS THAT TAN MAN WITH THE GUITAR. DID CHUCK WOOLERY LOSE 210 POUNDS.
8:00: I'm trying to decide what the MTV Movie Awards need to be a bit more exciting. Feels like past ceremonies have been funnier? I'm waiting for the bizarre celebrity appearance, like Jim Carrey in all that '70s rocker regalia. “Would it kill you to play a little Foghat?” Remember that? The best.
8:04: Movie of the Year is almost certainly “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire,” but I think “12 Years” could still take it. The kids looooove Sarah Paulson. I know it.
8:06: Johnny Depp might just be Leonardo DiCaprio doing performance art, at this point.
8:07: “Whatever. I'm not bitter. MTV should be playing more videos anyway.” — Solomon Northup.
8:09: Is “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” the best movie of the year? You know, maybe. It is certainly a better Best Movie candidate than any of the “Twilight” movies ever were. Because they mostly all won.
8:10: “Enjoy this as a rerun” was a hilarious final line. Conan, hold us. And goodnight, everyone! Let's let police handle Mark Wahlberg's strange rage and get out of here.