Before we begin the live-blogging festivities associated with Sunday (June 5) night’s MTV Movie Awards, I should make a confession: I don’t know how to spell Jason Sudeikis’ last name. He doesn’t know how to spell my last name either, but he’s not live-blogging my live-blogging of his performance hosting the 2011 MTV Movie Awards, so he’s unlikely to be humiliated.
Fortunately, I’ve got “Sudeikis” on my cut-and-paste clipboard, so let’s get this live-blog started! Drop by and comment during the show…
8:55 p.m. ET. Anticipation building. We’re all figuring a “Black Swan” sweep, right? Kids love ballet? “The Social Network”? Kids love Friendster? Oh right. “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”… That might win a few Golden Popcorn Buckets.
8:55 p.m. The show isn’t gonna start for a few minutes. But can we discuss the engagement of “thirteen” screenwriter and “Twilight” star Nikki Reed to “American Idol” singing hobo Paul McDonald? I’m… intrigued.
8:55 p.m. Also? Elle Fanning is *literally* 18-feet tall. And don’t tell me I’m misusing literally. Because she is. 18. Feet. Tall. And GROWING.
9 p.m. We begin with a filmed bit. Jason Sudeikis is chatting with Chelsea Handler. Jason has lost Taylor Lautner. I can’t tell. Are we making a joke about how Jason Sudeikis is kinda like Ed Helms, but isn’t? Justin Bartha makes an appearance. Because what else does Justin Bartha have to do? Justin Bartha is the guy from “The Hangover” who’s available to do filmed bits.
9:02 p.m. Eva Mendes cameo. She has a tat saying “Team Jacob 4 Ever.” She’s unhappy. Mostly she’s unhappy because she’s available to film live bits to lead into the MTV Movie Awards.
9:03 p.m. Nice. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman doing the nasty from “Black Swan.” This isn’t funny, but it’s not unwelcome. And the PTC will be displeased.
9:04 p.m. Sudeikis pops up in filmed bits from “27 Hours” and “The Social Network.”
9:05 p.m. And back to Mila and Natalie doing the nasty. Taylor Lautner watching them is just icky. That was NOT a funny filmed intro. I hope things improve?
9:06 p.m. We’re going to see a lot of Kristen Stewart tonight, I guess. She’s effectively pretending to go “Woo!”
9:06 p.m. Sudeikis starts with a Lady Gaga joke and continues by saying he’s qualified to host the show because he starred in “Hall Pass.” He continues by explaining that he’s on “Saturday Night Live.” This is not going so well.
9:07 p.m. “MTV stands for Music Television, for those of you who forgot. I’m talking to you, MTV executives,” he observes. Then says that tonight it will stand for “More Twilight Victories.”
9:08 p.m. Selena Gomez is not sitting with Justin Bieber, but Sudeikis makes a fine reference to her having “already choked on three of his baby teeth.” She’s embarrassed.
9:09 p.m. “Twilight” related humor: “My heart says Jacob, but my wiener says Edward. My balls are indifferent.”
9:10 p.m. None of this is funny. Emma Stone is joking when she isn’t laughing at the “Easy, Eh” joke, but she might as well not be joking.
9:11 p.m. Sigh. That’s a fourth Schwarzenegger joke. None have gotten laughs.
9:12 p.m. Thank God. It’s over. Bring on Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis presenting our first award of the night. “Thank you, Jason. A**hole,” Justin jokes, responding to whatever lame joke Sudeikis made about him. And now Justin Timberlake is holding Mila Kunis’ breasts and she’s holding his crotch. If memory serves, this *exact* same joke was made at the Indie Spirit Awards? Or was it the Golden Globes? I’m 100% certain I’ve seen it before.
9:13 p.m. The winner for Best Male Performance is… Robert Pattinson!!!! OMG! Suck it, Team Jacob! [I’m KIDDING! TOTALLY! NO ANGRY COMMENTS!] “I really didn’t think I was going to win,” R-Pattz says. “I hope to see you all again next year,” he closes.
9:15 p.m. J.J. Abrams, the 18-food-tall Elle Fanning, Steven Spielberg and the kid from “Super 8” show up to introduce a clip. J.J. makes a big deal about how they haven’t wanted to give too much of the movie away. Indeed, the clips don’t show much that we haven’t seen previously. The “American Idol” kids saw a lot more a month ago.
9:22 p.m. Steve Carell, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are presenting something, but they begin by talking about the many forms evil comes in. Steve Carell makes a joke about horny dolphins, which was pretty much ripped off from Melissa McCarthy’s first “Bridesmaids” monologue. Gracious. Who wrote this show?
9:23 p.m. The winner for Best Villain is… Tom Felton. Really? Ummm… Why? “This is very cool. This will look very nice in my downstairs toilet,” he observes. He promises the last Harry Potter film will be worth the wait.
9:24 p.m. Ah, Jim Carrey. He’s got humping dogs and other nature scenes being projected on his suit. The suit is “the cutting edge in chroma-key technology.” But enough about the humping dogs. He’s introducing the Foo Fighters, performing “Walk.” You realize that most of MTV’s core demo has no awareness that Dave Grohl had a band before Foo Fighters? Or at least they came of age long after that band ceased to be? Yup. I’m gonna go get a drink while this is happening.
9:28 p.m. Why is the director shooting most of this performance in a tight close-up on Dave Grohl tossing his hair? Are the secondary cameras broken? Or is he going for some sort of lava lamp effect with the Grohl close-ups?
9:30 p.m. Yeah. Lots of teasers for MTV’s “Teen Wolf.” You might as well check out my review.
9:32 p.m. That horrible “Zookeeper” commercial that doubles as a TGIFridays commercial? I really hope that’s not the way of the future. When it comes to sentient monkeys, I prefer the guys from the “Rise of the Apes” commercial. They want to conquer our plant, not eat at freaking TGIFridays.
9:34 p.m. It’s Chris Evans reminding us that it’s not too late to vote for Best Picture. Except that it probably is. “Not too late” is relative.
9:35 p.m. Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari and Nick Swardson have a movie coming up. So they’re presenting. But why does poor Emma Watson look so sad every time they cut away to her?
9:36 p.m. Aziz comes out dressed like Jaden Smith. And reminds us that he should probably be hosting again.
9:36 p.m. This award is what? Best Jaw-Dropping Moment? The winner… Justin Bieber. But Justin Bieber is absent. OMG! But he’s not absent! Justin Bieber is in the house! “I couldn’t let down my fans,” The Biebs declares. I haven’t seen “Never Say Never.” Would anybody like to explain to me what he did that was more jaw-dropping than James Franco CUTTING OFF HIS ARM? We should still applaud Bieber’s sacrifice in pretending to be absent. That means he missed at least 30 minutes sitting in the crowd making out with Selena Gomez. Go ahead and ask yourself if you’d do the same. Pervert.
9:41 p.m. OK. That was awesome. The cast of “Teen Wolf” just showed up on stage to present something and MTV cut away because they had more darned commercials to run. I love live TV.
9:43 p.m. And now it’s Sudeikis again. Really? A “Bryce *Miami* Howard” joke? This couldn’t be lamer. Now Bob the Boulder from “127 Hours” is being interviewed. Yeah. Nobody wrote this thing.
9:44 p.m. It’s Shia, Josh and Not Megan Fox from “Transformers 3.” And the guy from “Can’t Buy Me Love.” They’re presenting Best Fight. It’s a strange assortment of nominees. Hit-Girl *deserves* to win. Instead the winner is… Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel. Personally, I’m shocked that a fight from a “Twilight” film would beat a hard-R-rated comic adaptation that only fanboys saw. Sorry, “Kick-Ass.” Emma Watson looks unhappy. Still. Again. “I guess I should say, I’m so sorry I tried to hurt you, Rob,” Bryce says. “It’s OK. I ripped your head off. And now you’re pregnant,” Rob observes. That earns a look of incredulity from K-Stew in the crowd.
9:52 p.m. Hmmm… Jason Sudeikis has written theme songs for each of the nominated movies. This isn’t such a great idea. It’s bad enough that “Green Hornet” is up for MTV Movie Awards, but an unfunny song about it?
9:53 p.m. Emma Stone returns to sing with Jason. She’s used for a cheap joke about golden showers and then she’s sent packing. Why isn’t she hosting the telecast? Dave Grohl comes out to play a gong, glowers and leaves.
9:56 p.m. Brooklyn Decker is a good sport.
9:56 p.m. Ryan Reynolds and a fully clothed Blake Lively hit the stage. Somehow this leads into a joke about the cast of “Jackass 3-D” having laser boners. They’re presenting Best Kiss. Back in the day, this award would always go to the best girl-on-girl lip-lock. The idea that Mila and Natalie could be denied a well-deserved Golden Popcorn Bucket makes me miserable, but it’s sadly inevitable that the winner will be… Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Taylor Lautner looks miserable. And K-Stew and Ryan Reynolds share the most awkward hug ever.
9:59 p.m. Will K-Stew and R-Pattz kiss? There’s awkward banter leading up to… Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lauter *kinda* making out in the audience. The crowd is appreciative. And what happened to Blake Lively making a joke about the naked pictures of her that aren’t her, but totally are her that are up online.
10:00 p.m. Welcome my favorite glowering Brown dropout, Ms. Emma Watson, still rocking the adorable Mia Farrow hair. She’s presenting a clip from the last of the “Harry Potter” films. This is a big moment for all of those people who are still on the fence about whether or not they want to see the eighth movie in one of the most lucrative franchises in cinema history.
10:03 p.m. Why is Sway still on TV?
10:06 p.m. The guy from “Can’t Buy Me Love” is back, along with Robert Pattinson (again) and Chelsea Handler. They’re giving Reese Witherspoon the Let’s Make Everybody in The Audience Over 25 Feel Excruciatingly Old Award. Next year? Selena Gomez?
10:08 p.m. Robert Pattinson can’t keep up with the teleprompter, which may or may not really be telling him to ad lib. “This is the worst,” Chelsea says. Yikes. Pattinson jokes about how Witherspoon once played his mother in a movie he got cut out of and then she played his lover in “Water for Elephants.” He cracks, “I didn’t cut you out, but I did f*** you.” And yes, the censors totally missed the f-word. But it’ll be gone by the time of the West Coast broadcast.
10:11 p.m. Chelsea Handler decides to make her introduction all about her by making a Zac Efron joke. She gets things back on track by referencing Witherspoon’s classic roller-coaster scene from “Fear.”
10:14 p.m. Reese takes the stage to accept her thing. Reese, who’s awesome, corrects Rob’s punchline by dropping two “motherf***er” references. The censor is on the ball this time. “It’s cool to be bad, but it’s also possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,” Reese says, before laying into people who have had sex tapes and naked pictures leaked online. Wow. And the director didn’t know where to find Blake Lively? Reese Witherspoon is my new hero.
10:17 p.m. And MTV, which has no sense of irony, goes directly into an advertisement for “Teen Mom.” Again: Reese Witherspoon, new hero.
10:22 p.m. Jason Sudeikis in whatever-Vin-Diesel-is-face. This is awful. I used to really like Jason Sudeikis.
10:24 p.m. Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz. We learn the “How I Met Your Mother” can butt-dial on purpose. The unfunny bit ends with a “I pooped my pants joke.” They’re presenting Best Line From a Movie. If “I want to get chocolate-wasted” wins, I’m going to be very unhappy with America. The winner is… “I want to get chocolate wasted.” That’s unacceptable. “This is so cool, says the little child who said the stupid line in that awful movie. She thanks God. After she thanks her manager. And ends with her line. Which wasn’t funny. In the year’s worst movie.
10:28 p.m. Wait. Did I just get outraged about an MTV Movie Award? Yeah. I’m a bit ashamed of myself right now.
10:30 p.m. Oh. That’s what the cast of “Teen Wolf” was there for? Ellen Page won an MTV Movie Award that wasn’t worthy of live broadcast.
10:32 p.m. Ashton Kutcher and Nikki Minaj are an odd couple. “Ashton and I have one thing in common,” she says. “Great asses,” Kutcher says, with the “Why the f*** am I here?” enthusiasm he hopes to bring to “Two and a Half Men” this fall.
10:33 p.m. Best Female Performance goes to… Kristen Stewart. Oh well. Natalie Portman will have to make due with her Oscar and whatnot. “Oh man, this is silly,” she says aptly. She praises “Twilight” fans as “the greatest fans ever” and then makes fun of herself. “Natalie, I’m sorry, but the popcorn mine,” K-Stew says. Emma Stone is amused by K-Stew’s self-effacing silliness. Emma Watson is not. Natalie Portman probably wasn’t even watching this show on TV.
10:34 p.m. Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend, David Cassidy’s Daughter and Leighton Meester introduce Lupe Fiasco and Trey Songz. I’m hoping one of HitFix’s capable music critics will write about this, because the only fiasco I recognize involving tonight’s telecast is Jason Sudeikis’ performance.
10:39 p.m. Honestly, at this point I’m mostly watching the Mavericks and Heat.
10:43 p.m. Commercials for “Teen Mom” are lowering my IQ. I know. I’m old.
10:44 p.m. Chocolate rehab? Not funny.
10:44 p.m. Jason Bateman and Charlie Day join Jason Sudeikis to present an award. But first, he asks his “Horrible Bosses” co-stars how he’s doing. “Try some jokes, dude,” Day tells him. “You’re hurting our movie,” Bateman says. They’re kidding. But they’re not. Similarly, when Sudeikis jokes that he might be a dad soon… yeah.
10:46 p.m. Best Comedic Performance goes to… Emma Stone. I think this is the happiest I’ve been for an award all night. But Emma Watson is *still* miserable. “I’m pretty sure all the people in this category are much much funnier than me, but thank you for voting,” she says. Awww.
10:47 p.m. For the 50th time tonight… Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. They’re presenting the sneak peak at “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.” It’s “Monsoon Wedding… with Vampires.” And Taylor Lautner’s abs. Kid likes taking off his shirt. Surely that joke about wearing shirts from “Eclipse” was better than “chocolate wasted,” wasn’t it?
10:49 p.m. Awww yeah. Bedboard breaking wedding night sex. And… a baby bump!
10:54 p.m. Gary Busey. In a bubble. He’s presenting Best Movie. Does anybody else think “Eclipse” might win?
10:55 p.m. The winner is… “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.” Finally Emma Watson manages a smile and applause. I think she probably just called to have her car brought around front.
10:56 p.m. The whole “Eclipse” cast takes the stage, including at least 10 people I can’t identify. Taylor Lautner speaks on the film’s behalf and thanks each and every one of me. “Your support is everything to us,” Taylor says.
10:57 p.m. Sudeikis says that he and some members of the crew are going to smoke up on stage. Sigh. Better luck next time, Jason.
So what’d you think of this year’s MTV Movie Awards? Favorite moments? Did America pick some awesome winners?