New ‘Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes’ Poster Shows Apes Are Terrible Military Strategists

06.05.14 3 years ago 4 Comments

'Dawn Of The Planet Of Apes' is set to hit theaters and usher in a new era of Simian prosperity on July 11th. To celebrate, IGN got an exclusive new poster, featuring Caesar and his Ape army preparing for battle. At first it looks like an imposing propaganda poster to inspire young Ape men and women to join the revolution. But under that patriotic facade lies the truth. Caesar's military strategists are woefully inept.

Image Credit: 20th Century Fox

Okay let's break this down. There are some serious red flags here to show upper Simian leadership needs serious re-structuring if they ever want to become the dominant mammalian Earth species.

Why is everything on fire?

Okay so fire is orange and we all know the Hollywood 'secret' about orange and blue being complementary colors and therefore popping on posters. But logistically, why is everything on fire? This is four years post-outbreak. Half the population of San Francisco is dead. Setting buildings aflame may demoralize the enemy but why climb to the top of abandoned skyscrapers to soothe your pyromania itch? Wouldn't it be easier and a more effective military strategy to set ablaze the entrances to the remaining human settlements? WHO IS THE APES STRATEGIC LEADER BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE FIRED FOR MISMANAGEMENT OF RESOURCES.

How exactly did they BREAK the bridge?

At the end of 'Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes,' the titular apes escape across the Golden Gate bridge. The only collateral damage is a few dead humans, a destroyed helicopter, and traumatized horse. Did the Apes find napalm in the woods? Did they uncover the secrets of Greek fire in their down time? Because structural steel doesn't melt until temperatures of over 1000°F. Whatever they used to melt through the Golden Gate like so much golden butter is probably better weaponized destroying all humans. Again, FIRE YOUR STRATEGIC COUNCIL CAESAR!

Where exactly is that horse running from? 

This is some Venus Emerging From The Waves magnificence. Only instead of Venus it's Caesar and instead of the waves it's the sludge of San Francisco Bay. And no, don't get offended denizens of the Bay area. Sure you can swim in it now, but after four years of escalating human pandemic and molten steel polluting the water, you probably won't want to drink it. WAY TO RUIN THE WATER SUPPLY WITH YOUR GREEK FIRE, APE STRATEGISTS. You guys are the worst.
Why is this horse not freaking out?

Horses are not known for their good temperament. They are skittish as hell and easily upset by loud noises, weird smells, hands touching their hind quarters without warning, or a stray piece of tall grass tickling their leg. Sure with years of training they become amazing companions but if you think a sentient ape with an AK can just hop on and ride off into the surf while dozens of other apes hoot their battle cries, you are sadly mistaken. I guess the Ape military strategy spent their entire budget on napalm and horse wranglers. 

Why is Caesar the only Ape with a gun?

Clearly if not for the Simian virus, humanity would've won this war on a weekend because no one in charge of Ape battle strategy bothered to equip their army or – at the very least – teach their benevolent leader the proper way to hold a gun. I swear, these are the most inept military leaders since whoever let Napoleon invade Russia in winter. 

Caesar, you deserve a better revolution. Call me.

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