Didn’t get enough of Paris Hilton’s vapid sex-bot routine in musical form the first time around? Well, today’s your lucky day, as the kitten-voiced human spray tan has officially been signed to Birdman’s Cash Money Records for a brand-new album of house music. Which sounds like the perfect soundtrack for a sleazy Hollywood executive’s existential meltdown, and trust us, it will be.
But seriously though, we’re happy for that emptied-out shell of a person, and to celebrate the exciting news we’ve compiled a list of five other questionable music careers that deserve a revival just as much as Paris’s.
1) Tina Yothers
This one’s a no-brainer. With Michael J. Fox gearing up for a new sitcom in the fall, why not capitalize on the inevitable “Family Ties” nostalgia by giving his former co-star Tina Yothers a record deal? Sure, she may be 40 and a walking “South Park” punchline, but who says the “Celebrity Fit Club” participant can’t have a second chance at pop stardom? After all, who could forget her 1987 reggae-pop classic “Girlie Girlie,” in which she affected a Jamaican accent for no apparent reason? And her sub-Courtney Love phase in the late 1990s as a member of Jaded? Yes, this was meant to happen.
2) Steven Seagal
Did you know Steven Seagal has magic fingers? Of course you did, and it’s time to get the bloated former action star out of the Jefferson Parish police headquarters (or wherever the hell he and his kimono have been not doing stuff out lately) and back in the music studio where he belongs. After all, the world demands a proper follow-up to his “outsider country-meets-world music-meets-Aikido” masterpiece “Songs from the Crystal Cave.” I mean, for goodness’ sake, just look at this album cover. Just look.
3) Mr. T
“Treat your mother right,” sings Mr. T in his 1984 motivational video “Be Somebody…or Be Somebody’s Fool!,” and he’s got a point there. Sure, he hasn’t been relevant since the Reagan years, but take one look at T.’s magnetic butter-brown thighs in the below clip and and tell me you don’t see dollar signs.
4) John Tesh
The “lite-saxophone” genre just hasn’t been the same since John Tesh stopped putting out albums, and unfortunately his status as a relevant punchline has dried up along with his muzak-al output. Well dammit, that’s got to change, and I’m tasking Cash Money with putting the former “Entertainment Tonight” host’s musical comeback into motion. Waiting rooms all over the country are demanding a renaissance.
5) Kim Zolciak
“Tardy for the Party, Pt. 2.” That’s all I’m sayin’.