Fact: In the early-to-mid-1980s, a number of overly-confident pro baseball players stripped down to their skivvies (and beyond) for Playgirl magazine, to the delight of millions of gay men and about nine frustrated housewives all over America.
And yet the real story isn’t the photos themselves – as uncovered today by one good Samaritan over at BaseballProspectus.com – but rather the site’s publication of the actual “scouting reports” used to determine each of the players’ suitability as sweaty jack-off material. Perhaps due to the magazine’s feminist roots (turn those tables ladies!), the athletes were even rated on a scale of 1-8 in a number of deliciously-demeaning categories including “Abs,” “Buttocks,” “Thigh Meat” and, in at least one candidate’s case, “Hustle ‘n’ Grit.” Below, a few of the more entertaining highlights.
Phil “Elizabeth Taylor of Facial Hair” Garner (July 1984)
“Hairy, well-covered extremities, but hairless, concave chest. Wiry body is sometimes described as ‘corpse-like.’ Picks nose while driving.”
Steve “Dream Machine” Stone (August 1985)
“Hair gets a little long in back. Short, almost comical torso. Part owner of ‘Lettuce Entertain You’ restaurant group. Come on with that name, I mean, come on.”
Steve “Tonka Truck” Yeager (October 1982)
“The one, true ‘Yeager’ bomb. With those muscular hips and thighs, he could pick up and set down Playgirl readers all day and show only the slightest bead of sweat. …Make sure you get a pic of him during his aerobics class – it’s where he truly shines.”
Dan “Pointy Nipples” Ford (July 1981)
“Ford’s body is a pinnacle of manhood. Excellent dancer and party animal (hence the nickname ‘Disco’). Looks equally good in uniform, suit, or, preferably with just a towel.”
George “Kissable Lips” Brett (July 1984)
“Flat butt.”
Rickey “Quick Twitch” Henderson (July 1984)
“Henderson’s body is just quick twitch muscles stacked on top of quick twitch muscles. He keeps his chest shaved and smooth, much like an Olympic swimmer, so that he remains aerodynamic.”
Jerry “Undersized” Remy (July 1984)
“Has a strong mustache and plenty of chest hair which make this tiny warrior seem much more imposing. Like when a blowfish puffs itself up.”