After last season of “The Rachel Zoe Project,” I pretty much came to the conclusion that the stylist to the stars needed a new title; something along the lines of Most Likely to Eat Her Own Young. Though the pencil-thin Rachel probably wouldn’t eat a whole baby, just nibble on its toes and poke at it with a fork while saying she’s much too full to eat another bite. So far, this season of the show (which debuted Tuesday) hasn’t really done much to change my opinion, even though Rachel is six months pregnant in the premiere. Apparently the only effect pregnancy hormones have on Rachel is to make her want to buy Chanel jackets and drink sparkling water while inhaling hair spray. Seriously, can anyone start a licensing program for parents? Soon? Please?
Okay, I’m taking some pot shots at Rachel Zoe, but let’s review a few things that we learned in the season premiere.
* Her husband Rodger reveals that he and Rachel once had a dog, but Rachel’s parents took it away because THEY WEREN’T FIT DOG PARENTS. Dogs require two bowls of food a day and occasional walks. They’re only slightly tougher than houseplants. Babies are in a whole other category. I foresee Rachel leaving the kid in the sink of a women’s bathroom after she discovers he has left a smear of poop on her new Dior.
* Rachel cried for two or three weeks after she found out she was having a boy. She had always dreamed of being able to take her little girl to Paris so the little peanut could sit on her lap and watch runway shows with her! Okay, there are so many things wrong with that particular fantasy I’m not sure I can even list them here (Stinky diapers? Screaming?), but the point is, she got excited about having a boy AFTER she found out she could buy cute baby boy clothing.
* Rodger tries to point out to his wife that babies are not dolls. Rachel argues that yes, yes they are.
* When Rachel and Rodger go to a photo shoot for Elle magazine (which will be an homage to John and Yoko’s iconic shoot for Rolling Stone), Rachel announces that the first smell her baby will know is Elnett. Elnett is hair spray. Rodger is not thrilled about this. Thank God someone isn’t.
Really, I’m hoping Rachel is just being glib and snarky about the whole child rearing thing because she doesn’t know any better at this point, but watching this is only slightly less terrifying than sitting next to someone with a gloopy cough while watching “Contagion.”
Thankfully, the episode quickly moves on to the business of being Rachel Zoe, which is apparently more work than an expectant mother can handle. But no matter! Rachel is launching a fashion line, holding an editors’ event to show it off prior to Fashion Week (as she’ll be too pregnant to go to New York at that point) and she’s been abandoned by Brad, her once loyal right hand man who quit to go into competition with her. Rachel is bothered by this, but being pregnant, she can’t worry about it too much. She’s too busy huffing hair spray. Kidding.
Anyway, she interviews Jeremiah and loves him. He’s cute, he’s gay, he’s done some modeling and interior decorating and isn’t much of a stylist, but he’s so adorable! Rodger thinks she should find someone with experience and connections. Rodger is a much louder voice in this episode than he was on the show most of last season, and even though he looks like he could be homeless most of the time, he does seem to be fairly logical about things. Or at least more logical than Rachel, who reminds me of one of those zoo animals that blithely abandons its newborn babies or accidentally rolls over and crushes them while it’s cleaning its paws.
Rodger wants his growing brood to move into a house. Unfortunately, the first place he and Rachel’s assistant see is a $20,000 a month, 7,000 square foot monstrosity. He foresees decorating hell, but he knows Rachel will love it. He makes the assistant swear not to tell Rachel. Yes, anyone can guess where this is going.
We spend a great deal of the episode watching Rodger waste time trying to force Rachel to be a logical person, but in the end she gets Jeremiah and she gets her gigantic house, too. As logical and determined as Rodger is, he’s still just Rodger, it seems, which means that he’s one step above Rachel’s personal house slave and simply serves the purpose of creating pleasant background noise with all his babbling about time and priorities and such, not unlike one of those sleep machines you can get at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
But the important thing is that Rachel gets her samples and they all look great, and really, that’s all that matters. Oh, and having a healthy baby. Wait, just kidding about that last part. I’m telling you, keep an eye out for this kid in a public bathroom sink near you.