Sure, some not-so-important things happen during the season finale of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Phaedra and Kandi test tasers for Phaedra’s new product line of pain-inducing electrical equipment (Phaedra Sparks? Well-played, Phaedra). Kordell and Porsha go to therapy (we may have to touch on that later). But really, this episode is all about Kenya’s super fabulous, extra special, one-of-a-kind coming out gala. You know, the one we’ve been hearing about for weeks because Kenya can’t stop talking about it. It’s not just a gala, mind you. It’s meant to make regular galas look like really crappy kiddie parties that don’t even have bouncy houses or cupcakes. No, this is the gala to end all galas, the “Star Wars” of galas, the frozen hot chocolate of galas, the most exciting thing to happen in Atlanta since the airport. And peaches. And Gladys Knight’s Chicken and Waffles. We should all just be grateful we can be a part of it through the magic of television.
Not that the gala looks so great, mind you. Although we get to watch Kenya run around frantically and we’re told 300 people RSVPed, it really doesn’t look like more than 50 people showed up in feather boas and bad tuxedos. I can practically hear the production assistant begging everyone to move to the front of the room while the camera guy tries to avoid filming the empty spots.
Kenya also makes an Oscar-worthy fuss about how she’s creating elaborate re-enactments of scenes from great movies starring African-Americans. Like, you know, “B.A.P.S.” and “Coming to America.” Because when I think of highlights in the pantheon of black film, these… well, neither of these films comes to mind. Given that she was willing to set the bar so low, she might as well have plopped a damn Tyler Perry movie in the mix. I know he’s not a woman, but he plays one. If she really wanted to insult Porsha, she should have forced her to come to the party as Madea.
Initially, Porsha seems open to the idea of dressing up as Halle Berry in “B.A.P.S,” as Kenya requested. She actually looks pretty good in gold lipstick with a matching tooth. Rejoice, Porsha! You have a future as a homegirl or a hooker! But then Porsha has to listen to all of her humorless hairdressers who’ve never tried to be the bigger person in a petty argument. Thus, Porsha shows up at the party in a sparkling gold gown. She’s still dressed as Halle Berry — but Halle Berry in “Introducing Dorothy Dandridge.” This is kind of like showing up to a potluck when you’ve been assigned the main course with a bag of Trident and a greeting card.
Of course, Kenya is incensed. At first, she seems content with just chastising Porsha as if she is a very small, very stupid child, then frantically telling her party planners that changes need to be made to the program. But since Porsha doesn’t seem appropriately shamed, Kenya decides she must take harsher measures and has Porsha and Kordell escorted out by two enormous security guards.
Amazingly, Cynthia finds a spine (luckily, I-Am-Not-Billy-Dee-Williams Peter has extra) and the two decide to walk out, along with a Tina Turnered Kandi and a completely costumeless Todd. The fact that Kenya doesn’t even care that Todd showed up looking like he was going to pick up a few things at Home Depot but is willing to toss Porsha out on her ear just suggests Kenya is a petty person or that the show needed some excitement for the finale.
Kenya, realizing her star power has oozed out of the party like NBC viewers following “The Voice,” rushes out to try to corral her frenemies. She even goes so far as to apologize for making everyone uncomfortable. This is not enough for Porsha, of course. Porsha, as she has been whining all season long, wants a REAL apology, with sprinkles and a cherry on top! It’s at this point that Kenya stomps back into her party and leaves the fighting to her friend Brandon. Poor Brandon. He apparently doesn’t realize that Kordell has a limited grasp on the English language, so they posture and flap and screech before Brandon finally goes back inside to to do what Kordell wants him to do, which is to find Kenya.
But Kenya is too busy introducing her big, elaborate re-enactments. Which look kind of like the world’s worst school plays, but not as expensive. This is her big, fancy gala? Oh, Kenya, you should twirl right out of this mess, because I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone’s staying is the vodka and those burly guards blocking the doors.
Finally, Phaedra and NeNe arrive in a cloud of shiny black latex, and everyone is relieved for the distraction. Once NeNe, who doesn’t look quite so much like Grace Jones as a Sith Lord, realizes the women are Upset, she springs into action. She pulls Kenya aside, lets her rant for a moment, then levels some truth on her. “We are one!” she intones. “We are supposed to be one!” One? I have never thought of the Housewives as being a team, unless there’s a sport that emphasizes screeching and backstabbing.
But NeNe is on a roll. She tells Kenya not to burn bridges, to be the better person, and to stop upsetting everyone. She swears a lot, so I had to fill in some blanks, but basically, she wants Kenya to rise above. What? Wait, this is NeNe? The one who tried to pull out Kim’s weave a few seasons back?
Apparently NeNe is new and improved. Whoever said Hollywood can’t make you a better person on the inside? Or just really forgetful? NeNe informs Kenya she never burns bridges and she never plays dirty! Lately! She always plays real! “You can’t keep it real bleeping crazy, just real,” she explains. Oh, that helps.
Kenya nods and accepts the wisdom of NeNe, and she actually apologizes to Porsha. Porsha gracefully accepts the apology, but internally she’s thinking it’s total crap. But hey, at least she gets to go back inside and put her spangly dress to good use, right?
Before I rap up, let’s discuss Porsha and Kordell’s visit to the therapist. Given that we know they’re getting divorced, it all seems a little sad, doesn’t it? Porsha acknowledges that Kordell is a control freak, and Kordell informs Porsha that she’s going to lose every argument she has with him if she’s about winning. I think this means he doesn’t think they should argue with the goal of winning, but it sort of comes across as he thinks she should just shut up and go back a damn pie.
Kordell admits that his father died the same year Porsha had a miscarriage, so he might have checked out a bit. He also says that he rarely tells Porsha no, which suggests she might win the battle to have a career and a baby. But here’s my question — why can’t Kordell stay at home and change diapers? Isn’t he retired? I guess that isn’t manly, but I think it takes a strong person to handle a poopy diaper. Not that it matters for these two anyway.
Finally, we get the updates. Which, as we know, aren’t all that necessary these days unless you have a gripping People magazine or TMZ phobia.
Porsha
Her update? Kordell filed for divorce. That’s it. Not a cute joke, or a second paragraph, or even a second line. I think there was a rush to put this in and no one felt like dealing with it.
Phaedra
Another baby boy is on the way, and a pregnancy workout video is in the works. And the tasers. And the mortuaries. And I really don’t need any other Phaedra-branded items, do you?
Kandi
She and Todd are engaged! Finally! And Joyce isn’t moving in… yet.
Cynthia
She’s helping NeNe with her re-nuptials and accepting applications for Miss Renaissance 2013. Creepy little pageant girls everywhere, celebrate!
NeNe
She got a 15 carat engagement ring from Gregg. And for some reason, her crappy sitcom is still on the air.
Kenya
She claims to be dating an oil tycoon, and she says heer video is outselling Phaedra’s. I’m just curious to see if Walter shows up at the reunion, honestly.
So, that’s the season for “RHoA.” Kenya has definitely been someone I love to hate and she’s never been boring, but I can’t say I’m completely sold on Porsha. But you can bet she’ll want to come back, as rumor has it that Kordell had a pre-nup in place.
What did you think of the season? Who do you want to come back? Are you excited to see Kim on the reunion or do you think it’s weird for her to show up at all?