This week on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” we saw several things I never expected to see. One, Peter gave Apollo advice, and it didn’t suck. Two, NeNe gave Cynthia parenting advice, and it also didn’t suck. And finally three, fiercely independent Kandi turned into a puddle of spineless goo when confronted with a difficult situation, which did, in fact, suck. But hey, if everyone insisted on behaving themselves with such exceptional reserve, this was going to turn into a Very Special Episode of “Downton Abbey” or something.
Apollo and Phaedra are still in the midst of a fairly silly argument which seems to, like sourdough starter or an alien embryo in a horror film, blossom into something more bigger and nastier each week. Phaedra is too busy and too angry to talk to Apollo, which is always a good way to leave things when you’re about to go out of town. It seems Phaedra has to run to Alabama every time she wants to take a test for her mortician’s degree, which gives Apollo ample free time to run around and, if not check out hot chicks, ask Cynthia’s husband Peter for advice.
Shockingly, Peter informs Apollo that, while he thinks he assured Phaedra he isn’t a cheater, he didn’t, not really. What Apollo needed to do wasn’t tell Phaedra he could have hit that but chose not to, but tell his older wife he never, ever, ever wants any other woman on his privates. Peter says this in a way that is, shall we say, more blunt, but then, it is Peter, after all.
Peter adds that Apollo also needs to buy her jewelry and realize that if Phaedra doesn’t like someone, he can’t like that person, either. Apollo blinks a great deal during this exchange, which could be because he can’t believe Peter isn’t just telling him to hit a strip bar and have all the lap dances Phaedra’s bank account will tolerate, or because he’s not so good at this clearly scripted stuff. One or the other; your call.
In other advice-giving news, Cynthia decided to tell NeNe about her daughter Noelle’s new boyfriend, Arthur. NeNe is appalled that Noelle would have a boyfriend at 13 and isn’t shy about expressing her horror, which mostly consists of forcing Cynthia to buy carrots against her will. As far as NeNe’s concerned, it’s time to tell that girl to cut it out, stay home, and read a damn book!
Cynthia asks if NeNe is a little sensitive on the topic because she had her son “so young,” which sounds as if NeNe was a teen mom or a particularly fertile German shepherd. No, NeNe was 23, but she felt even that was too young. She waggles a finger at Cynthia and tells her she can’t be friends with her daughter — she has to be a parent, and she has to set limits. At this point, I’m waiting for Cynthia to roll her eyes and say, “Why am I taking direction from a former stripper?” but instead, she nods obediently and hustles home to reconsider all of the parenting choices she’s made, ever.
Also in this episode — Kenya moves into a house and joyously shakes her ass in her new kitchen. That’s about all that can be said about this. Porsha, on the other hand, doesn’t move into a new apartment, because she wants her mommy to make her pancakes for a while. I’m thinking Porsha may not want to move until she can afford a personal chef or at least a live-in maid, because really, she’s got it good.
Finally, we end on the weird love triangle that has formed between Kandi, her mom, and Todd. This sounds like it should be kinky, but it’s just depressing. Mama Joyce, who seems to live in a state of perpetual fear that her daughter is going to wise up and swat her off the Kandi gravy train, won’t stop bitching about poor Todd. Todd, being savvy to the ways of reality television, suggests the only logical thing — a face-to-face meeting between Todd, Kandi and Joyce. Let the fireworks begin!
Since Mama Joyce can’t really give Kandi and Todd any concrete reasons for hating Todd beyond “you’ll give him more money than you give me,” Mama Joyce begins frantically throwing hate spaghetti at the wall. He’s an opportunist! He’s having an affair with your best friend! He’s poor! He’s using you! Please give me another house!”
Todd, amazingly, does not just throw down his napkin and walk off in a huff, which would have been very “Downton Abbey” indeed. Instead, Kandi turns into a giggling, spineless blob who can’t say much of anything beyond, “Uh, I’ll go get the pie.” Oh, Kandi! Why does it seem like we’re headed to one big trainwreck of a wedding special (or, since this is Bravo, wedding series)? Oh, yeah, because if I were a skeptical person, I’d assume this whole brouhaha was cooked up specifically so Kandi would get a wedding series. But hey, I never said I was a skeptical person, did I?
Do you think Apollo and Phaedra are in trouble? Do you think Cynthia handled Noelle’s boyfriend issue the right way? Do you think Kandi is really getting married?