You can’t say “The Real Housewives of Orange County” don’t know how to party. Okay, you can say they don’t know how to party particularly well, and you can point out that one of them drunkenly pees on the bed while wide awake and fully dressed, but hey, they can certainly stay up until 2 a.m., suck down vodka and wiggle listlessly to dance music. They must be so proud.
This week’s episode of the show continued the bachelorette party festivities for Tamra in Puerta Vallarta, which mostly revolved around penis-themed knick knacks and crying. As we learned last week, Vicki grabbed Lydia and Tamra and toddled into the night, leaving Heather and Gretchen alone and lonely.
Of course, there was heck to pay upon the trio’s return. Heather was humiliated, but Gretchen was more than humiliated. She was CRUSHED. She’d spent all this time buying penis-themed crap in honor of Tamra’s impending nuptials to, apparently, a cartoon penis, and this was how she was treated? Gretchen retired to her bedroom to cry and clutch her penis drinking cup, heartbroken.
What follows is a mash-up of awkward silences, pleading, limo rides, shrimp eating, more penis cups, and lots of giggling from Vicki, who knows full well she got one over on Gretchen. During a tense outing to the beach so everyone can work on their tans and resentment, Tamra confesses to Gretchen that she first thought of suicide when she was a kid, then tried it when she was 21 and can’t let anyone get close to her because her parents never told her they loved her. Tamra weeps and admits this is the first time she’s ever told ANYONE any of this, even Vicki, although I’d say she basically told a whole lot of complete strangers exactly this at that women’s expo event, but okay. Gretchen hugs and forgives, because she is SO psyched to know something Vicki doesn’t.
Apparently Tamra is friends with Vicki because Vicki is so self-absorbed and shallow she doesn’t ask a lot of questions, and that was just the thing for the “old” Tamra. But now that Tamra is less shallow, she can bond with Gretchen? Okay, I guess it’s a lesser of the evils thing.
Speaking of evil, Vicki isn’t shy about her desire to “win” Tamra and stomp Gretchen into a puddle of blonde in the process. Really, she just can’t understand why Gretchen doesn’t see her as a “mentor.” The actually says that, by the way. I couldn’t make up this stuff if I tried.
Even Lydia, who wants to see the best in everyone, can’t get over how competitive Vicki is. As for Tamra, she can’t decide whether to be friends with Gretchen or Vicki, as she’s pretty sure neither one will be okay with her having a relationship with the other. Tamra might want to go with the one who didn’t pee on her bed, if you ask me. What I did love about this episode is that Vicki owned her incontinence. “Everybody leaks,” she shrugged, as if leaving a wet spot behind was a nice parting gift, like a martini glass set or a decorative penis-shaped brandy snifter.
The episode wraps up with male strippers (and a hasty exit by Lydia, who doesn’t want to be robbed of her innocence). As Vicki notes, the guys are not cute, but they’re enthusiastic. I’m pretty sure some of what they do would be illegal in the United States, and Tamra’s only half kidding about needing a pregnancy test after the bumping and grinding is done. Actually, I think she may also need a shower, a full blood panel and a Clorox dip. Still, it’s all worth it to see Heather’s look of unmitigated disgust as the other girls gleefully dive in. Keep it classy, girls.
Are you Team Vick, Team Gretchen or none of the above?