Recap: ‘America’s Next Top Model’ – ‘Take My Photo, Tyra!’

09.30.09 8 years ago

Jerry Mettellus/The CW

Ten girls remain! But they’re all like two feet tall! That’s like only 20 feet of girl total! Can any of them manage to look tall enough to get a Cover Girl contract and a non-existent bunch o’ commercials on CW? Well, it’s an all-new episode of “America’s Next Top Model,” Cycle 13, so let’s find out.

[Recap of Wednesday (Sept. 30) night’s “America’s Next Top Model” after the break…]

Lulu went home last week; Brittany was the other in the bottom two; “not fun,” as she puts it. She’s not the only person with insecurities; Ashley has no modeling experience, and Bianca has no personality.

For the first challenge, a makeup artist named Sam Fine introduces himself and says that doing one’s own makeup is really important for all models, even not-really models like the tiny ladies before him. He gives the ladies a quick lesson on the smoky eye. Then he challenges the girls to do the makeup themselves. They put the makeup on; nothing terrible happens — at least, not right away. Then they all have to go to Wal Mart.

Nigel and his wife Crissy are there to announce the screaming-racing challenge that happens every cycle. The girls must squee and run through Wal Mart and find things that enhance their “natural beauty.” The girl who creates the perfect look for herself wins — but it’s also like a game of musical chairs. Tyra may be rich, but she didn’t buy enough shoes for everyone. Only girls who are quick enough to put on all the items will get considered for the win. Because, in real life, when you’re at a fashion show or whatever, the designer never EVER gives shoes to all the girls. Like no way. This challenge TOTALLY has EVERYTHING to do with real life, OK?

Erin may look like a little fairy, but she hucks other girls like a linebacker. Nicole, being not the squeeing, running type, does not get any shoes and is eliminated from the challenge, along with Rae, Jennifer and Brittany. In the final sprint, Erin shanghais Ashley’s photo, which is required for the win, and runs to the finish line. Nigel seems to care not at all. 

The winner gets a photo on Cover Girl’s page on Wal Mart’s Web site. Sundai and her bright cheeks win the day. “You’re glowing,” Nigel purrs.

In the limo, on the way to the next photo shoot, Erin starts crying because everyone is being, like, loud. She also doesn’t want to apologize for how she operated during the race, even though Ashley and the other girls try to bully her into doing just that.

The next photo shoot is the one where Tyra does the shooting. The challenge: Beauty shots, focusing just on the face. The girl who has the strongest photo will get a pass on elimination. Sort of like safeties or immunity dollies or whatever they call those life-saving idol doohickies on Survivor.

Each girl gets wrapped in a lot of fabric left over from the Love Guru and gets ready to shoot. Country girl Laura, who is first, cannot control her lips. A wind machine helps a whole bunch, y’all. Sundai learns that parting her lips kills some of her weaknesses. Jennifer wants to scream during her shoot, and Mr. Jay tolerates it. Brittany is ordered to keep the scarf — get this — over her face. She rocks it anyway; Tyra is thrilled, and Mr.  Jay calls it her best shoot to date.

Bianca is next, bringing her usual bagging: The Sad and Jesus. She cannot keep the dead out of her eyes, perhaps because she’s a creature from the Underworld.

Rae looks like an ice goddess, you kno, in a good way. She delivers “angelic” pictures, in Tyra’s own words. Kara, up next, relies too much on her pretty face and disappoints Tyra. Erin is given heavy brown lips and knows what to do with them. Nicole, one of my favorites, has clawlike hands while she models. Let’s hope the panel judges aren’t into Gollum hands tonight. When Ashley comes on the set, Tyra decides she doesn’t like her wardrobe, so she redoes it before reshooting the young model. Tyra wonders if she should blame Ashley for the snags. I say, hey, sure, go for it. 

Brittany has the best shot of the day; she’s safe from elimination this week. But there is another prize: Brittany will do a shoot with two hot male models for No one has heard of, but the girls make like they’re impressed anyway. I just went to; if the photo is up there, Tyra apparently doesn’t want me to see it.

Panel time! China Chow, a shortie model, is the guest judge.

Brittany is critiqued first, and of course she’s safe. Off she goes. Erin is next. “You look almost like an alien, in a really good way,” Chow says. Agreed. I ain’t mad at it. Kara, unfortunately, just dies. There’s no there there. Ashley, the dancer, doesn’t really come through either. She lacks, as Tyra is gonna love me to say, smize. (Is someone paying me for every time I say smize? May I ask why not?)

Laura of the Lazy Lip is very present in her photo, but only thanks to the wind. Bianca, up next, looks like she’s having a bad day with her bowels. But her body looks good, so, dammit, she just might be sticking around. Rae delivers another ethereal shot.

Nicole, wow! She delivers a surprising, hot high fashion shot. Sundai, the first challenge winner, pleases the judges as well. Finally, Jennifer is judged. If Nicole delivered a high fashion shot, Jennifer delivered a STRATOSPHERIC shot. Think Grace Jones and Linda Evangelista had a baby a little bit.

So who goes home?

Not Brittany, of course. The rest of the call-outs, in order: Jennifer, Rae, Nicole, Erin, Laura, Sundai, Kara. 

That leaves Ashley and Bianca in the bottom two. Ashley gets chewed out for not loving the camera the way the camera loves her. Bianca gets bitched out because she’s a total waste of space. 

Praise the lawdy, Ashley gets to stay. Bianca finally gets to go back to the Top Model house and pack all her baggage into her baggage and get out of my space.

I have a feeling that next week’s forecast calls for sunshine.

Are you also relieved to have Bianca gone? Will your “ANTM” Wednesdays be sunnier in her absence?

Around The Web