9:00 p.m. ET Wednesday (April 28) night’s “American Idol” begins with another of those hilariously bombastic high-drama openings that suggests that tonight, dreams will be shattered, rebellions fomented and the very laws of gravity will be defied.
Full recap, including Wednesday’s results after the break..
9:01 p.m. There were 33 million votes registered last night. Meh. For six contestants with two phone numbers apiece? That should mean fewer busy numbers and more registered votes, right? Apparently not.
9:02 p.m. The show is actually starting with a Rascal Flatts performance. Does that mean we’re being spared a group sing? And how many times has Rascal Flatts performed on “Idol”? Must be like 30.
9:04 p.m. Pitching change in the Red Sox-Blue Jays game means I’m actually watching and listening to Rascal Flatts. The lead singer is mighty nasally, isn’t he? The judges still give the band a standing ovation.
9:06 p.m. The nasally lead singer admits that this is their third or fourth “Idol” visit. Meanwhile, Scottie Savol is still waiting to be invited back for the first time.
9:09 p.m. No Group Lip-Synch, but at least we get a Ford Commercial. This week’s commercial has a vampire theme and the behind-the-scenes footage proves that Siobhan Magnus is very in touch with her inner bloodsucker. Casey, on the other hand, looks like a refugee from “The Lost Boys.”
9:11 p.m. Set to “Believe,” the actual commercial is funny, with everybody attacking Big Mike, who wards them off with a pizza covered with garlic. Then, because the director is convinced “Idol” viewers are mentally handicapped, there’s an insert of a note on the pizza reading “Extra Garlic.”
9:12 p.m. Time for an in-episode commercial for “Shrek 4,” featuring a vocal cameo from Ryan Seacrest.
9:13 p.m. Mike Mitchell, director of “Shrek 4,” directed the underrated “Sky High.” That makes me like him. This extended in-show commercial is making me hate him.
9:14 p.m. Everybody goes to see “Shrek 4” and… guess what… They LOVE IT! Casey James calls it, “Hilarious.” Siobhan calls it the best 3-D movie she’s ever seen.
9:15 p.m. And Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas call it a promotional opportunity, showing up to hear from Ryan that this is the most emotional “Shrek” ever.
9:16 p.m. Please. Make this stop. Five minutes in-episode dedicated to a “Shrek” sequel? Ugh.
9:17 p.m. We’re forming three groups of two on the stage. Because of “Idol Give Back,” we missed the annual awkward Top Seven moment with one contestant forced to choose between the Top Three and Bottom Three. Boo. That’s always a favorite moment, the George Huff Moment.
9:18 p.m. Siobhan goes to the far right of the stage. Aaron Kelly goes to the center.
9:19 p.m. Given another opportunity, Simon is still unable to explain what a “wet” performance is. Big Mike, who gave the aforementioned “wet” performance, goes to the far left. Lee joins Siobhan.
9:21 p.m. Kara tells Casey that she’s always been a big fan of his for his talent. That’s why she made him strip the first time they met. Anyway, Casey joins Big Mike. That leaves Crystal Bowersox, who shouldn’t be in trouble, according to Ellen, who doubts America is fickle enough to send her home after one subpar performance. Crystal joins Aaron.
9:22 p.m. I have no idea what any of this means.
9:22 p.m. Ryan walks Siobhan across the stage and puts her with Big Mike and Casey. That’s your Bottom Three. That’s one of the lamest presentations of a Bottom Three ever.
9:27 p.m. Next week? Harry Connick Jr. will mentor the Top 5 through the music of Frank Sinatra. Excellent. Will John Stevens come back as a musical guest?
9:28 p.m. Carrie Underwood welcomes Sons of Sylvia.
9:29 p.m. I don’t know why “Saturday Night Live” would ever parody Sons of Sylvia, but Bill Hader would do a hilarious impression of their violin-playing lead singer.
9:36 p.m. Our third musical guest of the evening is Lady Antebellum, a group so successful that millions of Americans have *almost* looked up the definition of “antebellum.”
9:44 p.m. So many performances tonight. Up now? Shakira and Rascal Flatts. Because when I pay to see Shakira, I want to watch her playing the harmonica. That was scarcasm. This song Shakira is singing is a waste of a perfectly good Shakira. Her hips aren’t even TRYING to lie.
9:46 p.m. OK. There we are. Finally a little prevarication from Shakira’s hips. I can’t tell, however, if this song is anti-gypsy. Because I won’t tolerate that sort of racism on my “Idol” stage.
9:47 p.m. Shakira says that the key to her fame is a quote she attributes to Roosevelt, “Keep your eyes on the stars, but your feet on the ground.” Which Roosevelt is that?
9:49 p.m. We’re back to our Bottom Three for results. Large Michael is sent back to safety.
9:50 p.m. Theodore, if you were curious. Theodore Roosevelt. Not the chipmunk. He’s the one responsible for Shakira’s inspirational quote. Also? Our National Parks system.
9:54 p.m. Heading home tonight is… Shiobhan Magnus. I’m not surprised or disappointed, as much as I’ve loved Siobhan at times this season. Her best performances were well over a month ago and since then there’s been a lot of appealing oddness and less appealing debating with the judges.
9:57 p.m. Speaking of Siobhan’s best performances, her rendition of “Think” was pretty superior and it’s nice that she was able to go out with this welcome reprise. I wonder why she was never this good again? Song choice? Strange reinforcement from the judges?
9:58 p.m. The “American Idol” Munch-kin gives us one last big scream.
9:58 p.m. Uh-oh. This episode is running short. Quick, Ryan… VAMP!!!
9:59 p.m. Siobhan comes down and gives Simon a hug. Awkward. Ellen tells Siobhan that she’ll see her tomorrow on her show. Pointless. Randy gives Siobhan some empty advice for the future. More pointless.
9:59 p.m. With nothing left to do, the credits start running. Early.
10:00 p.m. Well that was not a well-paced hour of television, was it? Four performances, a “Shrek” commercial and maybe two minutes of results. Sigh. Farewell, Siobhan…