Time for another “American Idol” Thursday (May 5) featuring two minutes of results and 58 minutes of commercials and live performances.
Are you feeling the excitement? Full results after the break…
8:01 p.m. ET. That was a really long recap of Wednesday’s show. Is that the sort of padding we can expect from the rest of this episode?
8:02 p.m. I really can’t tell if that’s a gold skirt Jennifer Lopez is wearing, or if they’re puffy gold skorts.
8:03 p.m. We had 60 million votes come in last night, the highest of the season. Just as we did last week, we’re starting the Thursday show by plugging Steven Tyler’s side publicity, in this case his book. But we’re also celebrating J-Lo tonight, since she’ll be performing if we wait patiently. And if that’s not enough, we’ll get a sneak peek at her new video. Wow. Steven and J-Lo are so darned busy. And Randy? Well, as Ryan Seacrest puts it, “Don’t forget about his bake sale this weekend in Tarzana.” Ouch.
8:04 p.m. Pathetic Group Sing Time! They’re all “Happy Together.” It’s a magnificently atonal version of the Golden Grahams theme song. It’s almost experimental how poorly their voices blend. They’ve also given the Top 5 more choreography than they can handle. You can see a lot of them counting the steps as they go. At least the lyrics aren’t complicated.
8:10 p.m. Auditions for Season 11 will start in St. Louis June 28, with subsequent auditions in Portland and Charleston. More audition locations will be announced soon. GET PUMPED.
8:11 p.m. Ford commercial.
8:12 p.m. Oh no. Cross-promotion with Gordon Ramsay coaching the Top 5 to find out who amongst them is the best chef. They have 10 minutes to make an omelet. It turns out that as omelet-makers, they’re great singers. Ramsay goes through his usual obscenity-laden schtick, but I sense that Haley might be his swearing equal. She is not, alas, his cooking equal. Haley’s egg concoction includes mushrooms, asparagus and cheese. Ramsay describes it as “pitchy” and pitches it in the trash. He’s so clever. Jacob’s Omelet Gone Wild includes lobster. Ramsay isn’t a fan and makes a reference to God being unable to save Jacob’s dish. “You were supposed to rock the omelet, not make it as hard as a rock,” Ramsay tells James. Lauren’s bacon and cheese omelet earns an enthusiastic response. And Scotty’s egg blob? Ramsay spits it out. Lauren is the winner, with Jacob somehow finishing second.
8:15 p.m. Hi, Lady Antebellum. This is their new single, “Just a Kiss.” You can listen to it here if you care. HitFix’s Melinda Newman called it “a good summer song for young lovers.”
8:19 p.m. Results are coming up soon. Seacrest makes no promises that we’ll be surprised or disappointed by the results. So that means we’re saying “Bye” to Jacob, right?
8:23 p.m. Time for a clip package on how they choose songs, sponsored by Bing. The decisions are very calculated, but also very random. I would watch Haley sing “The Thong Song.” Now how do they choose their clothes? I would watch Haley perform in Jacob’s gigantic blue-checked blazer from last week.
8:26 p.m. “You might be surprised,” Ryan teases before starting the results. Oooh. I like to be surprised.
8:26 p.m. James Durbin is first on the hot seat. Jimmy Iovine says a few self-evident things about James’ performances from Wednesday, giving him an “8” for last night’s performances. He’s a generous grader. Ryan sends James off to the far side of the stage, which James accepts with resignation, as if he’d just been put in the Bottom Three. He looks ready to cry.
8:28 p.m. Next is Lauren Alaina, who gets taken to task by Jimmy Iovine for pulling out on the song’s biggest note. He predicts that she’ll be in the Bottom Two. She sent to start a new group to Ryan’s left. She also looks miserable.
8:33 p.m. “Idol” fans know this elimination strategy. Who is going to be left for last to choose which group they want to join? Who’s gonna be The Huff?
8:33 p.m. But back to Chef Ramsay and a head-to-head battle between Jacob and Lauren in a blind taste test. Lauren doesn’t know what beef tastes like. Jacob does, saying “I’m fat. Sometimes being fat comes in handy. Hello!” Lauren knows tofu, but Jacob does not. Lauren knows what a hot dog tastes like. Jacob does not, though he protests that his guess of “sausage” was close enough. “All of you have great futures in the restaurant business. As customers,” Ramsay jokes. That’s too soft. Make a “Would you like fries with that?” joke!
8:36 p.m. J-Lo live, assisted by Pitbull. She’s getting so much wind-machine assist you’d think she was a hottie walking into the Buy More. [Little “Chuck” humor there, for the millions of “Idol” viewers who have never watched a second of “Chuck.”] I’m not exactly sure what J-Lo’s contributing here. There are people around her dancing aggressively. She’s dancing, but not in full Fly Girl effect. There’s a lot of music, but she’s not really singing. Finally, at the Busby Berkley conclusion, J-Lo gets down on the floor and makes some pretty shapes. The best part of the performance is Seacrest dumping a bowl of popcorn over Steven Tyler’s head.
8:44 p.m. More J-Lo! It’s a teaser for her next video “I’m Into You.” She’s frolicking on the beach. She looks great. The song? Meh. When we return, a slightly flushed J-Lo is back on the judging panel.
8:45 p.m. Back to judgment. Jacob is on the spot next. Jimmy Iovine didn’t think either song was particularly good, saying that Jacob lost confidence and everybody knew it. Jimmy only gives Jacob a “6” for Wednesday’s performances. Jacob is sent to join Lauren, who’s already wiping her nose.
8:47 p.m. Haley’s got a little strut going. Jimmy is a bit offended that J-Lo called out his song choice, but he gives Haley a “10” and says she won the night. This week, Haley isn’t swearing at Jimmy. She mouthes “Thank you, Jimmy.” She’s sent to join James.
8:48 p.m. Scott’s The Huff! Seacrest is going to make him pick a group. I hope Scotty knows that the correct answer is to either refuse to choose a group or to sit down in the middle.
8:49 p.m. Seacrest points out that Scotty has never been in the Bottom Two. “And tonight is no different… you’re safe,” Ryan tells him. Boo! No Huffing.
8:50 p.m. “I want you to go stand with the group you think is also safe,” Seacrest says. YAY! HUFF! But Scotty doesn’t want to play Ryan’s reindeer games. He asks not to be made to choose and Ryan steers him over to Haley and James who are safe.
8:51 p.m. Your Bottom Two? Lauren and Jacob. Based on last night? James probably deserved to be there instead of Lauren. But otherwise? So it goes. Seems fair.
8:54 p.m. Am I kinda looking forward to “So You Think You Can Dance”? Yes. I kinda am.
8:55 p.m. Lauren’s just a total mess. Jacob is a good deal more zen.
8:55 p.m. The person going home is… Jacob Lusk. No shocker here. He reprises “A House Is Not a Home,” probably still my favorite of his covers. He ends a somewhat uneven and hyper-emotional performance with a long string of runs and a big smile on his face. Good for Jacob.
Did the right person go home? Did you find anything else in the results show particularly entertaining or amusing?