Welcome, friends, to the most NFL Draft-astic “American Idol” results show yet. Am I more interested in Thursday’s (April 28) Draft than the “Idol” elimination? Yes. But fortunately, the only event in the entire world with more filler than an “American Idol” results show is the NFL Draft.
Click through for the full “Idol” recap…
8 p.m. ET Ryan Seacrest launches with the usual bombast: “No matter how hard they try and no matter how much you love them, one still must head home… What have you decided?”
8:01 p.m. Jennifer Lopez is pretty in red. It may be the longest dress she’s worn all season long.
8:02 p.m. “A lot of fans are going to be disappointed with tonight’s result,” Seacrest teases. Uh-oh. Does that mean a shocker? Or does it just mean that since we’ve reached the Top 6, these kids all have fans now?
8:03 p.m. Steven Tyler is on the cover of two magazines. Finally some publicity for poor Steven Tyler. Did Steven’s publicist ask the “Idol” producers why J-Lo has been getting some luck love?
8:04 p.m. Time for a Brit Week clip package celebrating the Royal Wedding. Yes. This is a much more important thing for “Idol” to do in the first programming block than pausing to note the tragic tornado destruction in the American South. It turns out that none of the “Idol” Finalists can do British accents. It’s very exciting. Actually, we were promised a primer on the Royal Wedding. Nobody told me a darned thing about the Royal Wedding. Oh, “Idol” my must you tease me? Just for that, I’m going to watch Cam Newton put on his Carolina Panthers hit.
8:06 p.m. Carole King Group Sing. This is totally recapturing the magic of last night’s James/Jacob debacle. The only notable this is how Haley Reinhart has somehow become the weekly standout in these awful medley/Group Sings.
8:10 p.m. Yup. First segment. No mention of a tragedy impacting many in the show’s most passionate demographic. The “Idol” producers are usually much savvier than that. Here’s a link to the Red Cross.
8:13 p.m. Ford commercial time. Haven’t we done this one before? Animation and “Our House”? It seems so familiar. But again… honoring our sponsors is more important than honoring tornado victims. The earthquake in Japan got immediate and classy recognition from “Idol.” How are they dropping the ball so badly here? [And yes, I know very well that in terms of scope, the Japanese earthquake was worse. But this is “American Idol.” Somebody should be smart and sensitive.]
8:15 p.m. Ah, Crystal Bowersox. She’s got her lucky mic stand and everything. I miss Crystal. She was so much better than Lee. And she’s pretty much everything the “Idol” judges wish Lauren Alaina could be. And I even kinda like this song, which is more than I can say for most of what our former “Idol” favorites have returned with this season.
8:18 p.m. Tickets for the “Idol” Tour go on sale on May 13.
8:23 p.m. Oh God. User submitted questions. Casey is asked who he’d like to duet with, living or dead. Casey Abrams answers “Oscar Peterson.” How desperately is he trying to alienate “Idol” viewers? Jacob Lusk was six or seven years old when he discovered his range. Lauren says that the hardest thing about being an “Idol” Finalist is missing friends and family. And FINALLY Lauren mentions the Southern tornado devastation and sends out love to friends and family in the Southeast. Scotty McCreery worked at a grocery store and a tanning salon. James Durbin has been in several bands in the past. Haley says that her past “Idol” favorites have included Adam Lambert, Siobhan Magnus, Kelly Clarkson and Lee DeWyze.
8:27 p.m. Tonight, we’re calling out the Top Six randomly and individually. We’re starting with Haley. It’s a botch of a format that includes rewatching last night’s performance, reliving last night’s judging and getting after-the-fact imput from Jimmy Iovine who says the same banalities about Haley not knowing who she is, even though the judges haven’t mentioned that criticism for weeks. Haley says something bleep-able at the end of Iovine’s inanity and Seacrest has to tell her to watch her mouth. But Haley is safe. Is anybody else feeling like Haley’s making a shockingly unlikely transition frequently endangered oddity to viable dark horse.
8:30 p.m. Next to center stage is Scotty, who Seacrest really, really shouldn’t be calling “Scotty the Body.” It’s sheer laziness. At least when he called Scotty Savol “Scotty the Body,” it was a funny joke because Scotty was built like Frosty the Snowman. Jimmy Iovine’s idiotic comment is that if Johnny Cash were on the show, nobody would tell him to spread his wings. Jimmy Iovine knows too much about music not to know that Johnny Cash’s early recordings are diverse and hardly one-note, ranging between country, gospel and near rock. Scotty doesn’t get to hear his results, though. He’s told to sit down and hang tight.
8:32 p.m. Lauren Alaina’s called up next. I no longer care what Jimmy Iovine has to say. No results for Lauren either.
8:35 p.m. On to Casey James. I don’t care what Jimmy Iovine says, though “Casey’s got to realize that the family dog doesn’t vote on this show” is a funny line about Casey’s growl. Also, Jimmy seems to think everybody will be safe. He may not understand how “American Idol” works. No results for Casey either. But Seacrest teases that we may be surprised by the results, but I’ve already turned up the volume to hear about a big NFL Draft trade. Interesting move for the Falcons, but a fairly smart move for Cleveland as well.
8:40 p.m. Now James Durbin gets to hear what Jimmy Iovine thinks. Who cares? Anyway, James is safe.
8:42 p.m. Jacob’s turn. This is perhaps the worst results format “Idol” has ever experimented with. Let’s not do this again, eh Nigel? Jimmy says that Jacob “could possibly” be in trouble this week. Yeah. Way to make a definitive statement, Jimmy.
8:43 p.m. Lauren is safe. America just adores her wholesome, low-aiming mediocrity. And don’t think she isn’t going to get a boost from her shout-out to the South. She’s safe for a while. This also means “Idol” is gonna boot another man this week. And guess what? We know James is safe and it isn’t gonna be Scotty.
8:48 p.m. Bruno Mars time. Really, though, I’m wondering why the Tennessee Titans think that the QB who can’t play QB they just drafted (Jake Locker) at No. 8 is better than the QB who couldn’t play QB they jettisoned (Vince Young).
8:56 p.m. Yikes. Jacob is safe! It’s down to Casey and Scotty.
8:56 p.m. And the person going home is… Casey Abrams. Once again, James is overwhelmed with emotion. There’s not much to say here. I love Casey, but he took pride in messing with the audience and making choices that nobody craving mainstream acceptance would ever make in a million years. And it got him eliminated twice. Honestly, who would have guessed that a growly, jazz-loving dude with a scruffy beard and a standing bass would have finished sixth on “American Idol”? Making it this far — leaving the Judges’ Save aside — was a darned fine achievement and even if I’d have booted several contestants before saying farewell to Casey, I understand why he’s leaving now.
8:59 p.m. Casey reprises “Put a Spell on You” — still my favorite of his performances, if only because of its Top 24 intensity coming after a prolonged hospital visit — coming down and hugging each of the judges. He then goes into the audience and gives hugs and kisses to nearly everybody in the front rows. He sings the last words to Haley as all of America is praying for a kiss. No dice, but she’ll clearly miss him most of all.
9:00 p.m. Bye, Casey. You made this season better. And I’ll miss you.
What’d you think of Thursday’s “Idol” results? And what’d you think of “Idol” ignoring tornado victims in the South?