Earlier this afternoon, “American Idol” producer Nigel Lythgoe tweeted the following: “Okay no BS I am truly shocked by tonight’s #AmericanIdol result! #idon’tunderstand!”
Truly shocked, he says?
Color me a lighter shade of intrigue. Yes, Nigel may just be lying and trying to drum up a little hype for a show that really hasn’t had anything resembling a shocking elimination this season.
But I’m taking him at his word and using a picture of Hollie Cavanagh with this recap. My live-blogs pictures go to people I assume won’t be going home, because I don’t like to spoil things, and if Nigel isn’t lying and tonight’s results are shocking, Hollie is the only contestant who can’t possibly be going home, right? Because Hollie’s elimination would be the LEAST shocking result imaginable. Right?
Let’s find out…
8:01 p.m. ET. Yes. Last night’s show was very emotional. No, Colton & Skylar. Nobody REALLY thinks you’re dating. Enough of that.
8:02 p.m. Jane Lynch in the crowd. Jennifer Lopez in tight peach.
8:03 p.m. Tonight, we’ve got performances by James Durbin and Jennifer Hudson.
8:04 p.m. “I’m always worried,” Randy says about the pending results.
8:04 p.m. “Idol” Group Sing! I say “Group Sing” and not “Group Sing” because I can’t accept that Colton Dixon and Jessica Sanchez would be so flat on their introductory verse if this was pre-recorded. In fact, nearly everybody sounds awful tonight. Yay!
8:05 p.m. Wow. This has just been arranged an octave too low. Otherwise, how is the song outside of everybody’s range? It’s too low for Hollie Cavanagh. It’s too low for Joshua Ledet. This is like a “Glee” performance number only nobody’s done any sweetening or choreography. And it ends with Ryan Seacrest sacrificing all dignity — What dignity? — by sliding into frame holding a Coke cup.
8:10 p.m. Our Ford Commercial is set to “Great Escape” and it’s one of our high budget entries with animation and cute effects. I can’t tell if it’s shorter than usual or if it just feels less long.
8:11 p.m. Several positive tweets from folks whose songs were sung last night. Also, prom invites and at least one spring formal invite for Hollie. The audience is rather appreciative of Hollie’s possible date, who gets his picture on the screen. And Steven Tyler received a piece of feathered jewelry.
8:13 p.m. Hollie and Jessica take center stage to face recaps and Jimmy Iovine’s judgment. Wait. No Jimmy tonight? Oh. After both. Jimmy says that Hollie has habits that she needs to unlearn, while Jessica’s habits are better. “Jessica, of course, won the night,” Jimmy says, calling Hollie “contrived” and “stiff.” Jessica says that she’s been working hard all her life and that’s how she deals with pressure.
8:16 p.m. We’re forming groups tonight. Hollie is sent to the right side of the stage. Jessica is sent to the left. Neither is told the status of their groups. We all assume that Jessica’s group will be safe and Hollie’s group will be in trouble, but how shocking would that be?
8:21 p.m. Welcome back, James Durbin. James brought something to the show last season that it hasn’t had this season. I’m not necessarily saying I miss it. But I definitely kinda do. Now as for this performance? Hmmm… I’m so distracted by James’ bleached hair and the idea that this is a fine metal song from 1987. I’m not sure what to do with it in a current framework. And is this entirely canned? It sure sounds canned. In the end, the crowd roars, but that’s probably just because they’re deaf now.
8:24 p.m. Awwww… Stefano Langone was James Durbin’s best man! I’m glad somebody remembers Stefano Langone was a thing that happened.
8:29 p.m. On to Phillip Phillips and Elise Testone for evaluation. Jimmy Iovine calls both Elise and Phil-Phil “character singers.” Jimmy thinks Phil-Phil is going to be in the Bottom Three and he suspects Elise is headed there as well. Phil-Phil says he had a blast last night. Elise isn’t sure what’s going to happen. Phil-Phil joins Hollie on the right side of the stage. That means Elise is heading over to Jessica’s side.
8:36 p.m. Welcome Oscar and Grammy winner Jennifer Hudson.
8:37 p.m. Jennifer Hudson kinda rules. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we? I mean, she’s kinda putting everybody who has visited the “Idol” stage this season to shame.
8:40 p.m. Wait. Does Jennifer Hudson have a British accent now?
8:44 p.m. Come on, Ryan… Shock me!
8:44 p.m. Colton and Joshua hit the stage for results. [Veteran “Idol” viewers know that this means that Skylar Laine is The Huff. Non-“Idol” fans don’t have a clue what that means. I can deal with that.] Jimmy praises Joshua for his performance, but also Jimmy for his quiet interpretation.
8:47 p.m. Joshua joins Jessica and Elise. Colton packs his bag for the group with Holie and Phillip.
8:47 p.m. Here comes The Huff. Skylar doesn’t know what’s happening. The audience — FOOLS!!! — also doesn’t get it. Jimmy thinks Skylar’s a pro, but he worries that she might get left behind.
8:49 p.m. Skylar is safe, of course. Seacrest tells Skylar to pick the group she’s part of. “No,” Skylar laughs and she takes her seat. Interesting. Ryan pulls her over to join… HOLLIE, PHIL-PHIL, COLTON. They’re safe. Elise, Jessica and Joshua are in jeopardy.
8:51 p.m. The audience is astounded. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, America. You so crazy. And you’ve got an endearing problem [Note: Problem not actually endearing.] with minorities! Jimmy point-blank says, “That shouldn’t be the Bottom Three.”
8:51 p.m. Randy says he’s never seen this happen in 11 season. I’d like to remind Randy of The Diva Bottom Three. “We’re going to use our card tonight,” Steven says, looking at Joshua, Elise and Jessica.
8:55 p.m. Ryan asks Elise to explain the Bottom Three. Strangely, she cannot.
8:55 p.m. After the vote… Joshua is safe. It’s down to Elise and Jessica.
8:56 p.m. The person in danger of leaving is… JESSICA SANCHEZ. Jennifer Lopez’s eyes pop out of her head.
8:56 p.m. Why are they making her sing? Last year, they stopped Casey after after only 10 seconds. Will they make Jessica sing a whole verse? Nope? The judges run up on stage. J-Lo confiscates Jessica’s mic and tells her they’re using the save.
8:57 p.m. Jessica is relieved, but clearly totally shaken by this. I hope that she can recover from this, because we’re not talking about a girl who has dealt with all that much adversity. “We are saving Jessica without any doubt,” Randy says.
8:59 p.m. We’re instructed to use the hastag #thesave. Well, OK.
8:59 p.m. Jessica gets to sing again. That’s weird. I mean, they had to end the episode somehow. She sounds much more relaxed now than she did when she was singing for her life. And she closes incredibly strong, like she’s gonna kill somebody next week. She’s got the eye of the tiger now. Jessica Sanchez is gonna have to choke a bitch!
Well… That was a stupid piece of voting, eh America?