So, we start out the show with a whole lot of nothing. The girls get care packages from home, yay! But Camille doesn’t. She gets a box of bills. And you know why she gets a box of bills? Because she’s OLDER than everyone else. She has RESPONSIBILITIES. Given that Camille reminds us no less than three times that she’s older than the rest of the contestants on the show, I’m starting to think she may also have early onset Alzheimer’s disease because she just can’t let this go. Someone, get the girl a walker and a box of denture cleaner, fast!
Camille may be old, but at least she isn’t on death’s door. That seems to be the case with Kayla, who starts throwing up and hyperventilating for no apparent reason. An ambulance is called and the models proceed to mourn as if Kayla is a close personal friend and not someone they secretly hope is going home and staying home. The models all act tremendously relieved when Kayla returns from the hospital at 2:12 a.m., even though I’m sure at least one of them thought about packing her bags for her. In any case, Kayla isn’t going to die, as she just had a cardiac arrhythmia. She reveals it could be stress related, so everyone keep an eye out for other all-stars sneaking up behind her and screaming “SPIDER!” or “BOO!”
Time for the first challenge! Jay Manuel tells the girls they will be auditioning for “CSI” and show creator Anthon Zuiker, who pops up. Literally. He was pretending to be a corpse and abruptly tosses off the white sheet to a cacophony of screams. Did someone keep an eye on Kayla?
The all-stars have to memorize a scene in thirty minutes, and it’s a scene full of words like gas chromatography mass spectrometer, hydrocodone and methamphetamine. Well, they should know that last one. Camille shakes like a leaf. Angelea is sure she can nail it and she does, if nailing it means pronouncing the names without showing up. Bre also manages to get through the list. But Lisa, the self-proclaimed actress in the bunch, falls apart. But she has an excuse. Actually, a lot of excuses. She wasn’t allowed to look at the script for an hour and a half, she was the last one to go, she was tired, blah blah blah. That and two bucks will get you a cup of bad coffee, Lisa.
The two finalists are Bre and Angelea, and the winner is Bre. Angelea is pissed because, after all, she nailed it! Angelea, please take your 716 back to the 716. It’s not attractive, even if Jay tells you it is.
Next, an Express photo shoot at a mansion in Beverly Hills. The models will be expected to play one of four characters: the girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick or the socialite. And to spice things up, they get to interact with three hot male models: Josh, David and Sean. Not an exciting challenge, but I think Kayla’s probably had all the excitement she can stand for the week.
Even though the challenge seems pretty straight-forward, a number of the models really struggle with it. Bianca wants to push the limit of flirt, but she’s too pose-y and awkward. When Jay points this out, Bianca gives him attitude, pointing out she’s the “real” model in the competition. What? Bianca, this is a good way to get sent home to be a “real” model somewhere else. Camille knows she needs to bring it because she’s OLDER — so she doesn’t. Lisa decides that the best way to show off Express clothing is to have weird, spastic jumping fits for the camera. Lisa says she isn’t drinking on this season, which is admirable, but she might benefit from some Ritalin.
Judging from what we see at the photo shoot, Camille is really in trouble (but not because she’s OLDER — she took terrible pictures) and Bianca’s attitude could catch up to her. I wasn’t a big fan of Shannon’s shots, either.
Soon it’s time for judging. Crazy Tyra introduces the panel: Nigel Barket, Andre Leon Talley and Anthony Zuicker. I’m so glad Anthony Zuicker stuck around… because he will be able to tell us which model looks dead and which doesn’t? I have no idea. But really, he picked Bre, he has his actress, he should just go home.
Laura shows up in a ghastly Wanda Sue special, but her picture is adorable, and the judges agree. Anthony thinks Kayla’s shot is stunning. Nigel thinks Dominque sells just the right amount of sexy and she creates an attractive S shape with her body. Bre’s shot is not a hit, as it does look a little JC Penney. Alexandria’s photo looks mannequin-like and matronly. Nigel thinks Allison’s photo is relaxed, which is surprising given how awkward she is in real life. Camille, unfortunately, looks frozen. She tries to blame it on tripping. Oh, Camille, don’t make excuses. The judges all give her a disdainful look and, thank God, she shuts up.
Andre thinks Lisa’s photo is unhappy despite the smiling. I’m not sure where he gets unhappy, but it’s not a great shot. Nigel thinks Lisa makes a lot of excuses. The male models were tired and hungry! She couldn’t interact with tired, hungry hot guys! Tyra tells her it was up to her to get the male models to stop being cranky. Bianca’s photo is so-so. Andre thinks Angelea looks like a Russian wife, and this is apparently a compliment. I think. Tyra says she looks like new money and she thinks it’s fabulous. I think this is code for rich and trashy, but okay, the judges seem happy with it, though I doubt Express will be. Shannon’s photo is a hit, surprisingly, because I think it’s pretty awful.
The juges send the models away to mull things over alone. Laura’s photo is, of course, a hit. Allison is deemed an innocent doll who needs more control. Nigel loves Kayla’s picture, but Anthony thinks she doesn’t command his attention. Shut up, Anthony. Andre loves Dominique’s shot. Nigel thinks Alexandria’s photo skew 40-plus, which is sadly true. It’s like a horrible St. John catalog shot. Nigel thinks Camille’s photo is personality free. Andre is annoyed by Lisa’s excuses, but Nigel points out that, hello, her clothes look awful in the shot and it’s a shot for a clothing ad. Ouch. Bianca is boring but Andre likes her picture and Tyra thinks it’s amateur. Ooh, dissent in the ranks! Nigel thinks Angelea is selling it. Tyra thinks she has great confidence. Shannon’s horrible shot gets mixed reviews — Nigel doesn’t love it, Tyra wishes she’d pushed a little more and Andre likes it. Nigel doesn’t like Bre’s smile. Anthony wants a full face, not a half face. Although on his show, he probably prefers a half face, because that means the rest of the face has been blown off. Why are we listening to him?
Tyra calls Angelea first, as she’s the most fantastic trashy Russian wife out there! The runner-up is Dominique, who turned in the better picture if you ask me. Then we have Allison, Laura, Kayla, Shannon, Bre, Bianca, Alexandria. Tyra tells her Alexandria she’s more talented than her shot implies, and Alexandria sighs with relief. Lisa and Oldie McOlderson Camille are in the bottom.
Tyra informs us that Lisa and Camille have nothing in common — except excuses. Lisa stays, Camille goes. I have to say, this was pretty obvious from the beginning. Camille psyched herself out with her “I’m OLDER” mantra, and the unfortunate result is you can see her fretting about whether or not she has a blossoming wrinkle in every shot. Honestly, if she hadn’t said she was 33 over and over again, I wouldn’t have guessed it.
Camille is disappointed, but she ha to reinvent herself. She actually seems a little relieved to be getting the boot, and she gives herself a pat on the back for having done as well as she did. Maybe someone will give her an ad campaign for wrinkle cream or those peach-colored Depends they keep plugging. There’s a market for older, Camille, never fear!
Do you think Camille deserved to go? Did you think Angelea’s photo was the strongest? And what did you think of the promo for next week with the Kardashian sisters and LaToya Jackson?
It’s down to ten and the Kardashian sisters and LaToya Jackson.