You know what show didn’t get a single Emmy nomination this morning? This morning at 5:40 a.m. PT? Many many hours and many many cans of new Zero Carb Blueberry Rock Star ago? That’s right. “Big Brother.” That doesn’t mean, though, that the early start to my Thursday (July 16) morning won’t add extra enjoyment to the season’s first elimination episode. It just means that if Julie Chen doesn’t cut to the chase and evict somebody, I may get punchy in a hurry.
[Recap and results after the break…]
8:00 p.m. ET Surrounded by a live studio audience and mostly shot from the bare-shoulders up, Julie introduces a lovely recap of Sunday night’s s-h-o-t-g-u-n-driven Power of Veto stunner.
8:03 p.m. It’s Braden vs. Chima tonight. Will it be a Brain or a Brainless going home?
8:04 p.m. Is Julie’s dress coral? I’m not good with colors. Or fashions.
8:04 p.m. “Let’s go have a pool party,” was Braden’s public reaction to being put on the block. “What the hell’s going on here?” was his confessional reaction.
8:05 p.m. Russell justifies his decision by saying something about the head-of-the-snake and lemmings. This was all the plot of “Riki-Tiki-Tavi,” if memory serves. Watch out for the mongoose, Russell.
8:06 p.m. “That’s how the cookie crumbles,” Braden sings, seemingly to the tune of Montel Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It.” Jordan (blondie, not Montel) is particularly broken up at Braden’s jeopardy, wondering who’s been spreading secrets. Jordan warns us that without Braden, she and Laura are going to be “a hot mess.” Have I mentioned that I never want to hear the phrase “hot mess” come out of a reality contestant’s mouth ever again?
8:08 p.m. Why does nobody but Russell suspect Ronnie is a deceitful twit? Is Russell much more clever than I’m giving him credit for?
8:09 p.m. Lydia is relieved to be off the block, but she’s also questioning Jordan’s friendship. Since we haven’t seen a second’s conversation between Jordan and Lydia this season, it’s hard to be invested.
8:11 p.m. “I sensed that Lydia have been betraying me,” Braden tells Russell, going all Michael-n-Fredo. Russell, playing mindgames, stirs up Braden’s insecurities. Braden’s now worried about Lydia’s “falsifications” and Russell urges Spicoli Junior to go confront Lydia.
8:12 p.m. Confronted, Lydia insists that she never suggested him. A flashback reminds us that, remarkably, she’s telling the true. Putting Braden up was Jessie’s brilliant idea. Braden instructs Lydia she should get something tattooed on her leg about not betraying her friends. I believe Braden may be confusing Lydia’s lifestyle with the plot of “Memento.” I don’t think her ink is meant to remind her of important life lessons. Unless she’s trying to remember not to believe Hello Kitty’s lies.
8:13 p.m. Kevin stands up for his girl and things briefly get intense, with Lydia helpfully recommending that Braden kiss her Latina rump. “Hey, go back to Burbank,” Braden tells her. See? That’s low. I would never tell somebody to go back to Burbank. Kevin instructs Braden that he’s the house’s running joke.
8:16 p.m. Watching Julie Chen covering her belly with her prompt sheet is giving me flashbacks to the most recent season of “How I Met Your Mother.” She’ll be standing behind flowers and basketballs before the summer’s over.
8:17 p.m. Why does it matter if Jordan cried about Lydia? “Everything I thought was cool isn’t,” Lydia says. This is not an intellectual conversation. All I know is that sometimes you think you’re cool with somebody and you’re totally not cool with them. Finally Lydia pushes Jordan too far. “I was just like, ‘Oh hell no,'” Jordan says. She runs after a departing Lydia, screaming, swearing, lips all a-blur. Now Jordan’s crying over Lydia. You happy now?
8:18 p.m. In her secret life, is Lydia the Unabomber? She’s got the shades and the hoodie going. The Unabomber did not, so far as I know, have a Hello Kitty tat.
8:19 p.m. Jeff comes running in to protect Jordan’s honor. Are they boogering yet? Would somebody tells me when the boogering begins? “I have no doubt she would have won against Chima,” Jeff says, warning that Lydia has sold her soul.
8:21 p.m. Jordan wants to play powerbroker, luring Laura in to see what can be done to get the Athletes out. Laura goes to Ronnie with this masterstroke, which begins with voting Chima out. Ronnie promises he has the ability to control Michele.
8:22 p.m. “I’m always going to do what’s best for me in this game,” Ronnie promises the camera, as the ladies go and attempt to sway Casey, who says, “I feel a little bit powerful, but in the end, I’ve got to do what’s best for me.”
8:24 p.m. Time for Julie Chen to earn her keep. She stars by asking Russell why he went after Jeff. Russell says he doesn’t expect a postcard from Jeff for his birthday and, “If you don’t like me, take a number and get to the back of the line.” Jeff responds with his mother’s wisdom about not saying anything if you don’t have anything nice to say.
8:25 p.m. Jeff and Russell aren’t friendly now, but Lydia and Jordan have made nice. WHEW.
8:29 p.m. Live from the Head of Household room, it’s JESSIE… “I’d say the target’s a little bit bigger than last summer,” Jessie says about himself. Is he referring to his ‘roided-out physique? Jessie says that Russell’s is the brains of their Brawny Bunch, but he doesn’t want to sell himself short.
8:30 p.m. Braden pleads his case first. He says they’ve had the best first “Big Brother” week in history. He vows to prove himself if they keep him around. Chima, who isn’t playing nice. She reminds the houseguests of Braden’s past words and boldly ends with, “A vote for Braden is a vote for a biggot. Anyone who aligns themselves with a racist and a misogynist gets what they deserve.” Yikes. Julie praises her passion.
8:32 p.m. Russell votes to evict Braden. Natalie follows suit. Jeff votes to evict Chima. Jordan joins her booger-buddy in voting Chima out. That’s two votes apiece, but we have products to sell first.
8:37 p.m. Let’s break that deadlock. Kevin votes to evict Braden. Laura equalizes things again. Lydia puts Braden back into the lead. Michele gets the first gasps from the studio audience, when she stabs her clique-mate Chima in the back. Casey votes out Chima or, specifically, “Chima’s melodramatic behind,” which is different from Lydia’s Latina behind. Ronnie declares that he’s going to hell and votes against Braden. Interesting choice, Ronnie.
8:39 p.m. It’s the season’s first elimination and our first tie. That gives Jessie all of the power. I love the fur collar on Braden’s leather jacket. He must think it’s cold outside.
8:40 p.m. Sans prologue, Jessie says, “Braden, I vote to evict you.”
8:41 p.m. Braden shrugs as he walks out the door.
8:41 p.m. Braden calls it “mindblowing,” but insists that he wasn’t surprised to be leaving. Julie asks Braden to guess who sold him out. Braden guesses Ronnie, Michele or Casey. After Julie outs Ronnie, Braden agrees that Ronnie’s “a great liar” and dubs him sinister.
8:43 p.m. The messages from the houseguests are mostly uninteresting. Kevin and Lydia are hostile. Casey actually had some sage advice on the dangers of playing the clown. Takes one to know one?
8:47 p.m. Head of Household time.
8:48 p.m. This competition is called “Most Likely To…” It’s based on an online poll regarding the cliques. Which clique does America think would most likely skip school because they have a zit? Laura knows the answer is “Popular” and eliminates Chima. Which skit does America think would most likely misspell “athletes”? Jeff knows that answer is “Athletes” and gets rid of Kevin. Laura gets a second question right and boots Russell. Casey gets a question right and eliminates Natalie. Laura misses a question and is eliminated. This was a stupid survey and has nothing to do with the actual people in the “Big Brother” house.
8:51 p.m. Casey eliminates Jeff, the final Athlete. We’re going to have a new Clique in power. Lydia eliminates Jordan, the last of the Popular contestants. It’s down to Ronnie and Michele for HoH. Ronnie is the winner. And America is stupid.
8:53 p.m. Does anybody else worry that Ronnie is going to be an insufferable HoH? Ugh. And, more importantly, how long will it be before Lydia starts humping Ronnie’s leg?
8:56 p.m. Why is Dan, the winning of “Big Brother 10” coming back on Sunday? Guess when you’ll find out? That’s right. Sunday. It’ll be up to Liane Bonin to tell you.
8:57 p.m. This isn’t interesting eavesdropping.
Who do you reckon Ronnie will target? And will you tune in tonight to see if Lydia shows up to cuddle in Ronnie’s bed?