Wow. I thought as of Thursday, this was a completely changed game, what with Eeyore Jessie (I am totally borrowing that from Daniel Fienberg because it is so, so true – I mean, someone should get him the little saggy ears and a pin-on tail with a pink ribbon, word) getting the boot and Michele taking the HOH reigns. But man, things got interesting tonight. And it’s a Sunday. When are Sundays ever exciting? And I’m sure you heard – someone is going to melt down on Tuesday and get removed from the house. The crazy is all kinds of coming down! I can’t wait!
[We’re pretending we don’t already know who’s gonna melt down… Full recap after the break…]
Anyway, let’s get back to business. I had been thinking Eeyore Jessie was being overly dramatic and paranoid about the mystical, magical wizard last week. But hey, he was dead on. And I was even a little sad to see him go when, in the midst of Natalie and Chima going apecrap crazy on Jeff’s ass, he had the presence of mind to give the guy kudos for a smart move. Because let’s face it – Jeff’s Coup D’Etat? Brilliant. Chima and Natalie can whine and scream all they want, but Jeff did the only smart thing he could do. Gutsy, yes. Dangerous, yes. But if he had drank the Chima Is All Powerful Kool-Aid, he was going home in two weeks.
The best part of Jeff’s power play, though, is watching Queen Chima crumble like stale Milk Duds. Somehow she thinks she has magic eyebrows, and that by saying “I will be most displeased if you stand up for yourself and do not bow to my will” while making a snotty face she will convince her housemates to bow before her and paint her toenails while they’re there. I love to see full-bore crazy at its most high-falutin’, and Chima is nothing except delusional.
Jordan informs us that she was completely shocked, mind you, shocked that Jeff was the magic wizard, which suggests to me he should really, really consider marrying her, because he will be able to sleep with any woman he wants to until the day he dies, as Jordan will believe “We had a work meeting at the strip club,” “The prostitute giving me CPR just happened to be walking by my car and pulled me into that motel room,” “Lipstick on my tie? Oh, the secretary fell into me on the elevator. My pants, too? She fell really, really hard,” as excuses. I mean, seriously, he may not want to trust her with a checking account, but he could do worse.
Russell, seeing that the target on his back just got a whole lot smaller, is absolutely thrilled that Jessie’s gone, even if Michele is HOH. It’s a little weird seeing him smile so much, because with the shaved head and no beard, he looks like a really muscle-bound baby, and I keep waiting for him to giggle or spit up when he’s so darn happy.
As happy as Russell is, Chima is livid in equal parts. She informs us that, though she was prim and proper at the elimination ceremony, she really wanted to curse like a sailor and commit a felony involving Jeff. Which tells us the girl is, as we always suspected, pure class.
But the real star of the evening is Jeff. He informs the diary cam that he wanted to use the gift America gave him, to which I say, you are absolutely right, my friend. But now, of course, he knows he has to take non-stop crap from Chima and Natalie, which is the price you pay for being a wise and benevolent leader.
Chima barely waits for the door to hit Jessie in the ass before she begins her attack on Jeff, and screechy little Natalie is right behind her. Chima tells Jeff he’s being power hungry, to which I say, pot, meet kettle, but whatever. Then she calls Jeff disloyal, which makes me want to bust out the pot and the kettle again, which just makes me hungry and think that maybe pasta would be good for dinner.
Anyway, Jeff isn’t taking any of this nonsense lying down. Yes, he’s been busy canoodling with Jordan and pretending they live in a private corner of Switzerland, but it’s game on now, people. He tells Chima she doesn’t control anything and to just cool her damn jets, which inspires Chima to keep yelling, but with a slightly startled look on her face, as if she can’t really believe he still has his head after dissing the Queen in such a rude manner.
Chastened thusly, Chima tells Natalie that she’s going to win HOH, if not this week, then next week, or maybe the week after. Because now, at day 40, she has won exactly… um, once. So she has a record to be reckoned with. Wait, she doesn’t. Chima is so toast. Yay!
But now it’s time for things to get really messed up. Because it’s time to be canonized as Saint Jessie. Not the best name for a saint, but that’s all we have to work with. Still, there will be weeping and hand-wringing and possibly the rending of clothes, so I’m only hoping Jessie actually dies so we can use bits and pieces of him for a reliquary in Italy somewhere. But maybe he left some sweaty wifebeaters behind, so maybe one of the girls can turn those into a shroud or something.
I know you think I’m joking if you didn’t see the show. But I’m so not. Did I mention things were getting full-bore crazy? Alright then. I do not lie.
First Natalie has to weep in the confessional that only the bad and the ugly get rewarded in the game, and the good and the smoking hot don’t. I may be adding the bit about the smoking hot, but the girl is weeping like her dog died and it’s hard to understand her.
Chima is also beside herself, and tells us that Jessie leaving is like a family member dying, which makes me think she’s not getting enough protein in her diet or maybe the BB producers are holding her antipsychotic medication from her for better TV, which is totally the makings of a lawsuit.
Kevin, who sort of reminds me of Duckie in “Pretty in Pink” sometimes, gives us a big reality check and points out that Jessie is a self-involved megalomaniac, so hey, time to go.
And then, it’s time for a word from our stalker. Lydia also seems to think her one and only friend on earth has shuffled off this mortal coil, and, because she tends to quote bad songs and Hallmark cards to convey her emotions, she tells us Jessie didn’t get in her head, but her heart. To which I say, um, do you remember he tried to evict your ass? But oh, love is blind.
The attack on Jeff continues in the kitchen as Natalie and Chima chase him around and scream like harpies. Chima tells Jeff he’s a liar, and he says he never voted against Jessie, which is technically true, and Chima shrieks about semantics, and Jeff tells her he doesn’t want to talk to her crazy ass anymore. And that’s a good thing, because I am so tired of her.
Then, we are reminded that Michele is HOH, and she is thrilled! She’s been waiting for this moment from the beginning! And all I can think is, oh, girlfriend, you now have to put up with Chima and Natalie coming to kiss your ass, so don’t get so excited.
As expected, Chima is torn between feeling happy that Michele has won HOH and feeling distraught, because she just doesn’t know if Michele will follow her marching orders and put Russell on the block. Russell doesn’t know either, so he’s nervous, and even Kevin admits Michele is a big question mark. Jeff, however, feels he and Michele have mutual respect, in that he knows she’s really smart and she doesn’t make fun of him for being a little slow, which is really the best anyone could expect.
Back in the kitchen, Jordan waggles a finger at Jeff for totally snowing her on the magic wizard thing, but she forgets about it pretty quickly, which suggests that even if she does come home one day and find him rolling around with the babysitter in their king-size bed, she’ll try to forgive and forget.
With the house freshly divided, it’s interesting to see how the two camps split up. And the dividing line? Who is mourning Jessie like he was run over by a tanker trailer and who is not. I’m not even kidding.
Natalie moans that she’s being put up, and she and Chima agree the game plan must be to push Russell to the point of violence, I guess so one of them ends up in the hospital with a broken neck but at least he’ll be kicked out.
Time to show off Michele’s HOH room! Michele has stuffed rats, used to have platinum blonde-and-blue hair, and a geeky husband named Tim. Chima and Natalie have to tell Michele that rats are REALLY awesome and her geeky Revenge-of-the-Nerds-castmate husband is SOOOO CUTE, and you can see their faces actually start to twitch from the stress of it all.
Then, the Michele ass-kissing sequence begins. Russell slaps on a pair of glasses (look, I’m smart, too!) and apologizes for existing. Michele slaps him on the wrist for being too aggressive, then lets him out of her room. She admits the house has made everyone crazy, and she knows Russell is a sneaky snake she has to keep an eye on. So no, the glasses did not turn him into Clark Kent, unfortunately.
Then, it’s dinner time, and I keep thinking Jessie will show up in an old robe and call Jeff his Judas and they’ll all drink wine and nibble rustic-looking bread, because it SO goes there. Chima, Natalie, Lydia and Kevin decide to open the merlot Jessie left behind, and the girls start crying into their Chinese food. All we need is for them to find some pints of Ben & Jerry’s and a sink to eat them over. I mean, this is really, really weird. Lydia even goes so far to say Jessie was even fun when he was kicking her ass, to which I say, huh?
Kevin, who looks like he wants to peel his face off with his fingernails during this descent into Crazyland, tells us that this is, yes, REDONCULOUS, and admits he really wants to say, please, girls, the guy was an idiot. I will always love you a little for that, Kevin, that’s the truth.
Chima admits Jessie wanted to evict her, but sobs that he never spoke ill of anyone, which suggests she wasn’t party to the right conversations. Then Natalie rails at the injustice of it all and tells the American public they’re not exactly stand-up people, which makes me snort half a glass of water across the room.
Too bad Chima, Natalie and Lydia are too busy sobbing into their merlot to keep an eye on Michele, who is admitting to Jordan, Jeff and Russell she wants to put Chima on the block. This makes Russell do his happy bald baby dance, which makes me want to give him a pacifier and burp him.
Then, it’s time for the have and have-nots competition, which is called, ew, Chaosseroles. In short, everyone has to eat some of an array of casseroles and match them to… look, let’s just skip over the details. Everyone has to eat stinky food after they’ve slid into a bucket of possibly toxic slime. If they identify the stinky food correctly, they get to eat. Enough said.
It’s all going smoothly enough until Jordan starts using her hands and spitting things out and Chima and Natalie start sniping at Russell and Jeff, who snipe back, so it’s generally a pretty unpleasant afternoon as people are pretty much acting like they’re four. Kevin realizes that Lydia gets “butchy” when she competes, which apparently means she yells at him to get his turtle-slow ass in gear.
Despite all the carping and spitting, the only day the gang won’t get food is on Monday, and they get to take hot showers, so all’s well that ends well.
Because this episode hasn’t been disturbing
enough, it’s now time to meet Dae Yum Yum.
This is the name of Lydia’s stuffed toy unicorn.
Lydia also loves her blanky.
Did Glenn Close have a stuffed animal in “Fatal Attraction”? Because she should have. This gives Lydia a whole new level of messed-up, deeply disturbed, what happened when you were a kid? nuttiness.
Kevin says her attachment to Dae Yum Yum is kinda cute, but not that cute, which is being very generous. I should also note that Lydia uses her baby voice when she talks about her toy, which takes this way deep into horror movie, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane land.
So when Jeff proposes to Jordan, it seems a little anti-climactic. Russell asks Jordan if she’d date Jeff, and she says maybe, because she’s 22 and he’s 31 and she doesn’t know what she wants, which sounds very level-headed, except Russell isn’t listening because he’s too busy giving Jeff high fives. Then Jeff asks Jordan to marry her, and she says she wants a cute ring. And Jeff tells us she thinks she’d be a good wife. And I think everyone’s joking, but seriously, I think it’s going to happen. Especially since being with Jordan should not put any kind of crimp in his sex life with other women.
And then, the Michele ass-kissing continues. Natalie tries to convince Michele that Russell is a snake, then Chima tries to convince Michele that Russell is a snake. Chima doesn’t even seem to realize that she’s the most likely to be evicted, because she is SO FOCUSED on getting rid of Russell, it doesn’t occur to her that anyone would gun for her queenly self.
Michele says that being HOH is really tough, which I guess means she’s starting to get some chafing, which can’t be comfortable.
Chima informs us that she will question Michele’s ability to reason if she doesn’t put up Russell, while Russell is still doing his happy baby dance that Chima Pet is going on the block.
Finally, it’s time for nominations. Michele tells everyone not to take anything personally, as it is only a game, which Ronnie may have wanted to remember, but then again, I think, huh, Ronnie? Who’s Ronnie?
Anyway, Chima and Natalie are on the block, and Michele claims this is because Chima is the smartest person in the house after her, which I initially scoff at, until I remember Jeff thinks a coup d’etat is a European dessert, so maybe she’s right. Natalie joins Chima on the block because, well, you need two to tango.
Natalie says she’s coming out guns blazing, which reminds me of that ineffective little angry chicken that used to bother Foghorn Leghorn in Warner Bros. cartoons, and happy baby Russell says karma’s a bitch.
As for Chima, she doesn’t care. She looks like she’s just done two tours in ‘Nam. I’m reading between the bleeps, but basically she says she’s effed, the game is effed, her friends are effed, so she doesn’t care.
But, because that’s not enough, the announcer has to inform us that SOMEONE SELF DESTRUCTS in the house and has to be removed. So we see that on Tuesday. And I really don’t know how I’ll be able to handle all this excitement. And what can they do next to follow this up? Jeff and Jordan tie the knot in some crazy made-up witch doctor ceremony? Lydia strangles Kevin with her blanky for touching Dae Yum Yum in a bad place? Natalie and Chima escape the house and run crazy through the studio lot? I’m just saying, the bar is now pretty damn high.
Who do you think will self-destruct [No fair cheating if you’ve already read the news stories]? Who do you think will win POV? Who do you think will make the final two?