Okay, Jessie. Here’s your chance to prove yourself to be more than a musclebound lunkhead by taking Ronnie down. But rooting for Jessie to do the right thing is kind of like hoping the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series. Just give up and consider a new hobby.
[Full recap of Sunday (July 26) night’s “Big Brother 11” after the break…]
Casey’s sorry to see Laura go, but he figures that as long as Darth Ronnie has a target on his back, he’s a happy man. Ronnie, who is crumbling like a stale toaster strudel under the stress of being so completely hated, keeps giving himself corny little pep talks about how he promised his wife to fight the good fight, while I have to suspect she’s watching this at home and thinking, god, I can’t believe I married a walking Jell-O mold and is possibly packing a bag and looking for the cat carrier. Russell, who is sporting one of those already-tired-of-it porn star mustaches, is tickled that all eyes are on Ronnie, as that means a whole lot fewer eyes on him, at least until he does something jerkfaced.
Jessie, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, has to gloat about being HOH, which makes me hate him a little more than I already did. Casey, who is also working the porn star mustache, is hoping Jessie sticks to the get-Ronnie-out script, but Kevin is not convinced, not one little bit. He knows that Ronnie thinks he can sweet talk Jessie into letting him stay, and I can’t say he’s wrong.
Michele isn’t thrilled about Jessie being HOH because she’s been flying under the radar. But I’ve got to think that’s the smart (thank God, someone in the Brains clique is actually, I don’t know, not a drooling idiot) move, at least for the time being. As she rarely works it in a bikini, Jessie may not even know she’s in the house to vote her out.
Just as Kevin suspects, Darth Ronnie is thinking he just may be able to twist Jessie around his pasty, pudgy little finger. And just when I’m thinking, heh, sucker, Jessie then turns around and basically confirms he’s still a big Ronnie fan. After all, the little weasel never lied to him. Because really, who would lie to such a good looking hunk of man meat? Please, someone find Jessie and break his nose, Owen Wilson style.
Then, just to make things a little more twisted/interesting, Russell reveals he’s in a secret alliance with the Darth Dork himself. No one will suspect they’re in cahoots, since Russell has been terrorizing the guy like a high school bully day in, day out. As much as I hate to see Ronnie emerge from the ashes of certain termination, I’ve got to hand it to Russell – he really is working all the angles. Not bad for a guy whose eyes cross trying to count change.
So, if not Ronnie, who are they athletes gunning for? Freakin’ Casey, who is not only smarter than Ronnie (whose Brains status clearly is based in his wearing glasses and nothing else) but has the added advantage of not being pure evil and mostly made of gelatin. I like Casey, but I think that probably means his time in the house is limited, as the gods would prefer I scream at the television and yank out my hair as anyone even mildly deserving of the big win is eliminated one by one.
Nathalie urges Ronnie to go outside and talk to people, which seems like a set-up for a big confrontation, but the editors just skip over it and cut to Jessie’s HOH room, which is mostly pictures of himself and his muscles and his motorcycle, which gets Lydia all hot and bothered.
Casey tells Nathalie that Jessie will have a target on his back if he doesn’t run Ronnie out of the house, which Nathalie quickly runs to tell Jessie, because Nathalie stays in athlete form by being a very speedy tattletale.
Then Jessie and Lydia get all cozy in the hammock, and she admits to having a “kindergarten crush” on the guy, which makes sense since the guy’s sense of humor seems to have stopped developing at age 6. Then Jessie describes Lydia as a caterpillar that needs time and attention to reveal her beautiful butterfly-ness, adding that he’s sometimes a butterfly hiding away in a caterpillar shell, at which point I stopped listening because I really needed to throw up.
Jessie tells Lydia he thinks she’s cute, and she tells him she’s never had a relationship, and I’m thinking they deserve each other. Lydia then tells him he owes her a kiss, or maybe a slap, because that’s all she got. That kindergarten moment of true like is destroyed when Nathalie moves in, takes Lydia’s spot next to Jessie on the couch, and gets all grope-y with the big lug, who, of course, digs it.
Nathalie then whines to Jessie that Lydia doesn’t like her, which is about the most disingenuous comment short of “I did not have sex with that woman” I’ve ever heard, and Jessie follows it up with his own equally ridiculously untrue statement about how he hates being in the middle of a catfight over his man meatiness, and how being super hot is a curse.
After Michele has to listen to a sack of B.S. apologies from Ronnie, which she wisely realizes are total crap, the girl decides it’s time to get her game face on and kiss Jessie’s sculpted ass. Jessie, though, isn’t impressed with her non-promises of loyalty, and possibly the fact she looks like she’s in the middle of a job interview with a smelly guy. Really, I have never seen a more uncomfortable butt-kissing.
After a break, Jordan shares with us the agony of being a have-not, which does seem pretty darn sucky, especially if it reduces little Miss Cheerful to being a foul-tempered wench. So she’s pretty darn motivated to win the Have/Have Not challenge, which is a beer themed footrace, which seems a little too much like an endorsement of drunk driving, but whatever. Vision-blurring beer goggles are provided, which really they should have to wear later in the house so someone other than Jessie gets to hook-up. There’s foam and foam ice cubes and the whole thing gets pretty ridiculous and messy. The Brains are the have-nots for the week, which is a thrill, since Chima always throws such a tantrum when she doesn’t have her aromatherapy pillows or whatever the hell. Always the gracious loser, she tells America it sucks for adding cabbage and cocktail weenies to her menu. I’m really hoping she’s such a big baby someone remembers, oh yeah, we can eliminate her ass, because I am still flabbergasted she isn’t gone.
Jordan lobbies Jessie to get Ronnie out of the house, and Jessie doesn’t have to say much to make her feel warm and happy, which is a little sad, as it’s like watching a squirrel wander into traffic. And we know how that usually plays out.
Then Russell and Kevin talk about their relationships while sharing a hammock, which is sort of like watching a rabid wolverine and a bunny rabbit hanging out, chewing the fat, but hey, this show makes for some weird friendships.
Things get even weirder when Lydia tells Nathalie it’s time for her to give up her bed, which is really subtext for “her Jessie,” but whatever. Lydia vows to stay up all night to prove her point, though I’m not really sure how that works. Kevin tells Lydia she needs to be a little nicer to the girl who’s the tiny, annoying voice in Jessie’s ear, but Nathalie may be digging her own grave by bitching to Jessie about how Lydia’s being so mean to her, especially when he and Lydia are both little caterpillars or butterflies or at least insects.
Then, finally, it’s time for elimination. And… RONNIE IS SAFE. Michele and Jordan, not so much. And to this I say, WTF? And, even though I’m thrilled Casey isn’t on the line, these two seem like incredibly random choices. I mean, I kinda forgot Michele was even still in the game. But Jessie feels confident he can backdoor someone he really wants out, and, watching Ronnie gloat over his key, I can’t help but wonder if the pasty jellyfish of evil might, finally, get kicked to the curb. But that’s probably hoping for too much from ol’ lunkhead. No matter what, though, the POV contest is going to be a whole hella lotta something else.
Do you think Michele and Jordan should be on the block? Who do you think Jessie wants out? And do you think Russell’s alliance with Ronnie is really a double cross?