Welcome, Friends… It’s premiere night for “The Chenbot and the Merry Hamsters,” better known as “Big Brother 13.” Before continuing this this recap, a couple words on HitFix’s coverage of “Big Brother” this season:
In order to maintain collective sanity, we’re splitting recapping duties into three nights done by three bloggers. I’m taking Thursdays, because Thursdays are results nights and results nights lend themselves to minute-by-minute recaps and as I’m profoundly lazy, I like that. Liane Bonin will be handling Sunday nights. And Monkeys as Critics regular Ryan McGee will be subjecting himself to the amusing experiment of his first season of “Big Brother,” recapping the Wednesday telecasts. All recaps will be in the Monkeys as Critics blog, rather than asking you to seek them out through different corners of the site.
And with that… let’s go see what Julie Chen and her perpetually uncovered shoulders have to say about the new season of “Big Brother”…
Recap: ‘Big Brother’ Season 13 Premiere
9:00 p.m. ET. Oh gracious. Julie Chen’s shoulders are covered. What am I supposed to do with this information? Down is up. Up is down. Dogs and cats are cuddling together. This truly will be a “Big Brother” season unlike any other!
9:01 p.m. “Dynamic Duos have ruled ‘Big Brother,'” Julie reminds us. It turns out that even the new players will have to play the game with a partner, a partner they have to select on-the-spot.
9:02 p.m. Let’s meet our hamsters, including Cassi, who receives her key in a stylish bathing suit. Team Cassi!
9:03 p.m. Dominic is an adrenaline junkie, but he also lives with his mom. He likes his adrenaline thoroughly mixed in with his mushy carrots and apple sauce. Cassi is a model and she describes herself as a guy’s girl. If that means “a girl guys think is hot,” I’m inclined to agree. Lawon calls himself “bold.” If that means “setting the cause of small screen racial representations back by 35 years,” I’m inclined to say “DYNO-MITE!” Keith is a deacon and a youth minister, but he spends all of his free time chasing tail. Ummm… Good for him. Shell’s philosophy is “Look like a woman, act like a man and work like a dog.” And Adam becomes my immediate favorite by declaring himself a huge fan of “90210.” I assume Adam’s talking about the original “90210.” Kalia describes herself as “a real-life Carrie.” She’s a blogger and insists she’s, “like, really good with words.” Kalia should be warned that I don’t much like the fictional Carrie and I’m not instantly warming to the real-life version. Porsche is “a VIP waitress.” Frankly, if you name your daughter Porsche and she *only* becomes a VIP waitress, she’s won the legitimate vocational lottery.
9:06 p.m. Keith packs his Bible. Lowan packs his afro wig. Kalia loves sex. Dominic is a virgin and doesn’t plan on having sex, but he’d be happy to have an older woman to cook and clean for him. Adam doesn’t like people who are too religious. ACK. This is too much information. Hugs are exchanged and everybody heads off for “Big Brother.”
9:07 p.m. The hamsters see each other for the first time. They can ogle, but they can’t talk. They also may not be able to count, because Julie has to point out that there are only eight of them. Or, as Dominic’s mom would explain it to him, “10 little piggies, minus two little piggies who went to market.”
9:08 p.m. Dominic, Shelly, Porsche and Lawon enter the house first. “I am just so HAPPY,” the excitable Lawon gushes. “I’ve gotta be honest, ‘Porsche’ sounds a little bit like a stripper name, but she seems cool,” admits Shelly.
9:09 p.m. Adam, Kalia, Keith, Cassi enter. “The Lord is my Shepherd and he knows what I want,” says Keith, looking at his summer flock. Keith and I have different ideas about spirituality. Then again, *my* God hasn’t given me Cassi and Porsche as summertime playthings. We get our first weird phobia of the season: Kalia doesn’t like hair.
9:10 p.m. Porsche admits that while her personality is real, her breasts are not. Thanks, dear. We’d… guessed.
9:11 p.m. It’s math time. They’re counting glasses and beds and other random things around the house. “I’m gonna take these people, I’m gonna use ’em up and I’m gonna spit ’em out,” Adam says, looking at his rivals.
9:11 p.m. Keith begins by lying and saying that he’s actually a matchmaker. He admits his weakness for women, but not his healthy appreciation of Jesus. Adam isn’t just a fan of “90210,” he’s also a big fan of bacon. Team Adam!
9:13 p.m. Keith loves God and God has blessed Kalia with “puppies.” Awww. Puppies. Wait. He’s talking about her breasts? Grow up, man. They’re booby-melons.
9:13 p.m. Porsche’s immediately taken with Dominic, who’s everything she looks for in a man (she doesn’t know yet that he’s not sexually available unless she first helps him design a Halloween costume). Porsche’s Big Lie is telling the houseguests that she’s a student. She’s afraid they may think that her life as a VIP waitress is too glamorous. Gracious, Porsche. A student? Why didn’t you just claim to be an astronaut or Rihanna?
9:14 p.m. Cassi’s Big Lie is to say that she’s a stylist’s assistant. She doesn’t want the stigma of being a model attached to her. Yes, she says “stigma.” Not bad, Cassi. Team Cassi, again!
9:18 p.m. Come on, Julie. Tell me who the other three couples are.
9:18 p.m. Not just yet. Julie sits the houseguests down and tells them to expect the unexpected. She reminds them that dynamic duos have ruled the game and then tells them the first twist: They’re about to get to choose their partners. If you win Head of Household, the player and his or her partner will be safe. And instead of nominating two players for eviction, they’ll have to nominate one partnership.
9:20 p.m. Keith had planned on aligning with the women and calling themselves “Keith’s Angels.” He’d been planning on running the game. Oh well. Keith declares his intention to woo Porsche, who admits she might be sad to go against Keith and his outfit. “You’re not picking a prom date,” Dominic grumbles. Shelly and Cassi form a partnership based on shared Southern heritage and, um, other stuff. Adam picks Dominic, who is too scared of the big guy to say no, which leaves Lawon with a less-than-eager Kalia.
9:22 p.m. Julie promises that “the twists are far from over” and warns that they aren’t the only pairs playing this game. But she won’t tell them anything else. They don’t know what Julie means, but they vow that if All-Stars walk in, they’re all going to stick together.
9:24 p.m. The doorbell rings. Oh God. Rachel and Brendon walk in. They’re engaged now. “BrEndOn took me OUT on a hOt aIr baLOon ride,” Rachel reveals. Oh, Rachel. how I’ve not-missed you. Kalia thinks Rachel’s breasts should be their own houseguest. Adam is not pleased. “I’m bACk, bitchEs. I’m bETTer thAn evEr,” Rachel promises. Shelly doesn’t do a very good impression of Rachel’s laugh, but I’m sure we’ll hear the real thing plenty.
9:26 p.m. Everybody is MUCH happier when Jeff and Jordan walk in next. Even I’m content to see them again. Lawon is especially happy to have them back. Shelly describes herself as “star-struck.” Jeff and Jordan are still together after a year and a half. Or that’s Jordan’s version of the math. Jeff thinks it’s closer to 21 months and takes the opportunity to make fun of her. Good times. “I’m freaking out big time,” says Dominic. Oh Dom, surely momma said there’d be days like this.
9:30 p.m. The doorbell rings for the last time. Who will it be? It’s Dick and Danielle. If you thought Shelly was star-struck before, she’s utterly agog at Evel Dick’s appearance. But she’s not the only one. “It was like Tori Spelling walked in the door,” Adam says. “My mind is like a Twizzler,” says the confused Lawon. Gotta love that Dominic has no clue who Dick is and instantly assumes that Danielle is his girlfriend.
9:32 p.m. Danielle is a brunette now and Keith is ready to ditch Porsche for Danielle. [Is nobody gonna mention that Evel Dick has been living HARD since his “Big Brother” win? It’s like his face was run over by a cement mixer. Also, I resent having to remember that it’s “Evel” Dick and not “Evil” Dick.]
9:33 p.m. Evel Dick introduces himself to the houseguests as “the only winner here.” Jordan is offended. Or Jordan isn’t sure if she ought to be offended. “Dick makes me feel like chopped liver and I hate chopped liver,” Jordan giggles. It turns out that Dick and Danielle haven’t spoken in three years. Or at least that’s what they’re saying and why would anybody ever lie to their fellow houseguests on “Big Brother”? Jeff, to his credit, doesn’t fully believe the feigned tensions.
9:38 p.m. There are bananas everywhere and the first Head of Household challenge is appropriately titled “Going Bananas.” The task? Each player has to hold onto their bananas for as long as possible. Wasn’t last year’s first challenge all about weiner-clutching? “Big Brother” is not a production that rewards subtly. Of course, each two players are clutching a single banana, forcing some unexpectedly Kama Sutra-y positions. “This is very awkward having my daughter’s ass in my face,” Dick cracks.
9:40 p.m. They get hit by great gouts of chocolate, prompting Cassi to ask, “Is it edible?” First to go out is Shelly, who claims that she and Cassi decided they don’t want to win, because they don’t want to be seen as targets. Out next is Jordan. Jeff notes, “Jordan is first to fall off my banana. Big shocker.” After perching with his butt on Porsche’s head, Keith goes out, followed by Cassi and Lawon. Rachel’s beginning to get cocky about her position as only Rachel can.
9:43 p.m. Adam falls and has to pray to “the Banana Gods” for Dominic’s success. Jeff goes down. Dominic falls. Brendon topples. “I’m riding that banana like a bucking bronco,” says Last Man Standing Dick. After Kalia goes down, Porsche’s the last Newbie left. “It’s all well and good riding a big banana and then you get shot with whipped cream in the face,” Rachel says.
9:45 p.m. Porche and her pixelated thong goes out next. It’s down to Rachel, Danielle’s thong and Dick. Deal-making begins. Rachel promises to protect Dick and Danielle. She swears. And the Donatos go out. Our first Head of Household for the summer? Rachel. “nO onE cOMes betwEEn me aNd MY BANana,” Rachel says, while Brendon says he’d marry her today. Adam is growly. But Julie promises another twist is coming.
9:51 p.m. One last twist… oh give me one last twist. It never felt like this… Oh give me one last twist.
9:51 p.m. Being nominated for eviction this summer will be both a blessing a curse. The Big Brother Golden Key will go to the member of the targeted partnership who isn’t evicted. That Golden Key is a ticket directly into the Top 10, which is a pretty big deal, at least for a few weeks. “That’s crazy,” Rachel says. “I’m plotting against Danielle right now,” Evel Dick tells everybody.
9:54 p.m. “It’s bound to be an exciting summer,” Julie Chen says, before cutting to a long clip package that appears to be almost entirely bikini shots. Suddenly I’m not missing Britney from last season nearly so much.
9:55 p.m. We return to the House for a few seconds with Jeff trying desperately to explain The Golden Key to Jordan. It’s going to take more time than we have…
Sound off, fans. What do you think of the new hamsters? And which of the returning hamsters are you happy to have back? And two questions about the Golden Key: How do you expect it to impact the game? And will Jordan ever understand its ability to impact the game?