I've been on MTV VMAs duty tonight, so this “Big Brother” recap is a bit late.
Since's it's already a bit late, I'm also not sure how much I'm likely to care about a Sunday telecast.
Apologies for that as well.
But I'll try to convey the basics of what goes down on Sunday's (August 24) “Big Brother” telecast.
8:02 p.m. When we left things, Nicole had just reentered the game and Zach was permanently dispatched and there was the potential for anarchy amongst the hamsters. And yes, “Anarchy Amongst the Hamsters” is also the title of my autobiography.
8:03 p.m. “I have a second shot to win this game and I am so ready,” an excited Nicole says. “She's definitely not my No.1 choice to come back into the House,” Derrick says. Ariana Grande's Brother says he's looking forward to getting Nicole and Donny out, while Donny figures that Nicole could take some of the target off of him. Jocasta departed telling Nicole to stick with Donny, leaving her with a big kiss-mark on her cheek. “Now I'm scared for my life,” says Christine of Nicole's return. Cody knows that Donny having somebody to “walk and whisper with” is bad news.
8:05 p.m. Amongst the outsiders, Donny is boasting to Nicole that he won the Battle of the Block all by himself. Nicole is skeptical, but for once a piece of “Big Brother” bluster is entirely on the level. “You're the only person I trust,” Nicole reassures Donny. The biggest beneficiary of Nicole's return is actually Victoria, who has done almost nothing all summer and yet finds herself moving up the totem pole by virtue of additions beneath her. Cody is especially irked with Donny, who has been trying to drive various wedges between members of the core alliance. The person most threatened by Donny's talk is Derrick, who acknowledges that what Donny has been telling people is correct, but vows he won't let this hinder him. Derrick just needs to keep the other Detonators from blabbing and he controls them like a general, while Nicole aggressively files her nails.
8:14 p.m. Why are we spending time watching Caleb do his round-up kicks? And what does it have to do with the large piece of fish? “Caleb literally is having flashbacks to when he was a ninja assassin,” Frankie explains. “I am a third degree blackbelt,” Depeche Mode Cowboy tells us. Cody is impressed. And the sound effects guys are having a lot of fun. And, finally, Caleb falls on his butt. Is that what this was all leading to? Yup. Nothing more than that.
8:15 p.m. Head of Household time. It's boxing-themed, but karate isn't boxing, so I sure hope that this isn't why the editors were showing Caleb being a fool. As with so many “Big Brother” challenges, it's really just a memory game with boxing gloves. “This competition takes brains and brawn,” says Christine, who doesn't understand the concept of “brain.” Or “brains,” I suppose. Nicole is eliminated first. Victoria goes out next, followed by Christine. Caleb goes out next, leaving Donny standing against Derrick and Cody. Either Donny pulls it out and things get interesting, or else this is going to be a boring week. Derrick goes down and it's Cody versus Donny. And this is intense enough that we have to wait tip after a commercial.
8:28 p.m. We're back. Both Cody and Donny agree that they want to win this matchup, which is a relieve. “I feel nauseous. I want to vomit everywhere,” Nicole admits. The HoH hinges on know what day Amber won her third competition. Neither of them really know, but Cody guesses correctly first and he's the new Head of Household. This is all perfect for Derrick and devastating for Nicole.
8:30 p.m. The Detonators are bro-ing out, bumping chests and hugging each other and celebrating their victory. Nicole, meanwhile, keeps telling everybody that she doesn't even know what day it is now, much less when anything else happened in the House. “Congratulations, you scoundrel,” Donny tells Cody. What? Not varmint?
8:32 p.m. Who wants to see Cody's HoH room? Meh. The Head of Household room is all Cody's and he's got lots of pictures, including his sister. Naturally, Caleb is in love. Cody's big prize? Papa Roach? Unpleasantness ensues with Donny either praising Cody's actual intelligence, or insulting his previous perception of Cody's intelligence. It's not fun.
8:34 p.m. Cody tells Nicole that Donny is his real target, but she tries to make a pitch of her own. She suggests she'd be willing to do work for him. Cody's having thoughts, specifically suggesting that he might trust Nicole more than Christine, so Derrick has to steer him back onto the path.
8:41 p.m. Derrick has been undercover as a “young person” this season. He's lost weight, grown facial hair and added glasses. “If you're looking for 'BB Jump Street,' look no further,” he says.
8:42 p.m. This is quite the “time killing” episode. In the HoH room, everybody wants to hear stories about Nicole and Hayden and how far things went at the Jury House. “We're not a couple!” Nicole protests.
8:43 p.m. In the middle of the night, Donny is waking Cody up. “I'm doomed. You're my only hope,” Donny tells the groggy Cody. “They have played ya,” Donny tells Cody. “Now is the time to play 'Big Brother,'” Donny says, leaving Cody thinking. Actually, it should leave everybody at home thinking as well. Playing “Big Brother”? Is that what Donny has been doing for the past two months?
8:51 p.m. Donny and Derrick are chatting about Team America and what it has meant to their game. Derrick is contemplating saving Donny this week, saying he's his second favorite person in the House after Cody. The problem is that he's heard Donny wants him out. Come on. GET TO NOMINATIONS.
8:53 p.m. Nomination time. Will Cody do the safe thing or will he make a big move? Oh, what kind of silly question is that? We all know that the chances of Cody making a big movie are nil.
8:54 p.m. Cody's nominees: Nicole and Donny. Color me shocked. His rationalizations are feeble and unnecessary. This was the safe move. “What can you tell a group of mad wolves that want to eat you at that particular time? Nothing,” Donny says.
8:55 p.m. “I'm definitely thinking about making a big move in this game,” Cody says. Yeah. Sure you are, Cody.