Let's see… Where did we leave things?
Frankie was still one Head of Household.
Caleb had gone into the first challenge in Beast Mode and he was also Head of Household.
Julie Chen had explained the whole “challenge” thing and how a former Head of Household could potentially go up on the block, but I napped through it.
And already, the people who dedicate their lives to watching the feeds have a wealth of knowledge about why all 16 of these hamsters are bad, bad people. And I'll say it again: For purposes of these recaps — and purposes of comments — ONLY STUFF FROM TV IS CANNON.
Good times. On to the recap!
8:03 p.m. Oh right. The Battle of the Block. I forgot what Julie called the twist. Tonight we're getting nominations plus the first Battle? Bring it on, “Big Brother.”
8:04 p.m. Who wants to see Frankie & Caleb's HoH room? Everybody! I look forward to later in the season when people hate people and they couldn't give a flying fudge about seeing their HoH room. There are two beds in the HoH room. They also have a nice shower, which Victoria figures has her name on it. Frankie is determined to bond with Caleb, even if it means pretending to love Rascal Flatts and beef jerky. In the room, they agree to have each other's backs and when Frankie proposes that they work together, Caleb agrees. Frankie figures they could flip-flop all summer. “We mesh so well together,” Caleb says, claiming this is the alliance nobody will expect. Just like the Spanish Inquisition.
8:06 p.m. Nicole and Christine are bonding over their “big nerd glasses,” their love of Wal-mart and their insecurities about the skinny girls. They're future besties. Awww. I can ship this. Nichristole? Nictine? Get to work on this, folks. [UPDATE: Twitter follower @jhkim73 notes that Nicole and Christine's shipper name should be Nicotine. And… Of course it should be.]
8:07 p.m. Frankie and Caleb decide they need soldiers and the first recruits are Minor League Devin and Undercover Derrick. They all bond over their hatred of floaters and Devin's hatred of ladies and their sensitivities. The idea of an all-guy alliance comes up and everybody nods politely. Derrick isn't sure how he's been brought into this conversation with relative strangers. They decide six is a good number for an alliance and that the other two people should be Zach and Cody. Nobody makes a “Suite Life” reference. What's wrong with these people? It turns out that Caleb wanted to come into the house and form an alliance called The Bomb Squad. Oy. Frankie is astounded that he's been included in this alliance upfront. Caleb declares the women in the house to be stupid and the nefarious “Big Brother” editors cut to a conversation about nails between Nicole and Brittany. Yes. I'm sure this is a representative conversation.
8:11 p.m. Zach and Cody bring their Suite Life into the HoH room, where they're inducted into The Bomb Squad. Zach — Or “The Zach Attack” — thinks he's been brought in to provide brains and he's going to blow up the floaters. Boom. It's Day 1. Who the heck is floating? One person who sure isn't floating is Jocasta, who feels secure in her alliance with God, who definitely isn't a floater. “It's so early in the game that realistically, I just need to be worrying about myself,” says Cody, unsure if this is another Brigade, or another Moving Company.
8:16 p.m. Seemingly as the men are strategizing, Nicole and Christine are growing tighter in their Outsiders alliance. Nicole suggests that they should use their glasses to gain the perception of intelligence… Naturally.
8:17 p.m. Nominations Today! Pao-Pao thinks that the game has gotten real. Victoria thinks she and Frankie are fine, but she isn't sure about Caleb. Devin and Duck Donesty reaffirm their Double-D alliance. Why are there so many alliances already? I guarantee you that most of these people can't name half of the other people. Devin is just keeping up a charade with Duck Donesty, when he's prioritizing The Bomb Squad. “You are the beast. I am the… I don't know what I am,” Donny tells his partner-in-first-initial.
8:19 p.m. Caleb and Frankie strategize. Caleb thinks that Brittany has a fake smile and isn't trustworthy. I'm not sure if this relates to her having a body unbefitting a mother of three. Or was that Cody's worry last week? I'm not sure we need both Cody & Caleb in this game. Frankie wants to take the easy way out, putting up Brittany and Victoria because they fell first. Caleb, though, wants to put Hayden up and he suggests they each put a guy and a girl up. Caleb thinks splitting the genders of the nominees will protect the Bomb Squad.
8:25 p.m. Let's nominate! After picking eggs, Caleb has to nominate first. Eggs? This process is very complicated. They just have to reveal their nominees. No passing of keys. Caleb has nominated Donny and Pao-Pao, claiming he based it off the HoH competition. Frankie has nominated Victoria and Brittany, using the same explanation. Victoria cries. Brittany looks like she wants to cry. Victoria feels betrayed. BETRAYED! Brittany doesn't want to let her family down. Donny thinks Caleb's rationale is totally logical. Pao-Pao knows that Donny is her teammate now and she's ready to fight. Donny asks Pao-Pao what she likes about him and she calls him a father figure.
8:30 p.m. Nicole and Christine are giddy. Nicole is living out a fantasy moment by jumping up and down in the storage room. “Big Brother” is giddy because when people jump up and down in the storage room, all of the brand names in the storage room get extra screentime.
8:32 p.m. Caleb is so guilty about making people unhappy that he's crying. And it looks like his tears are real, rather than Devin's water-splashes-on-the-face tears. So much crying. Frankie pulls Victoria aside and tells her there's no way she's going home, hugging her as the camera leers down her shirt. Frankie's excuse is that Caleb chose first and he had no choice and blah blah blah. “I'm never gonna trust him in this game,” Victoria tells us.
8:36 p.m. It's early in the morning and Devin is breaking with the Bomb Squad already. He hasn't gotten clearance for this, but he tells Christine and Amber all about the Bomb Squad. How stupid is Devin? He names every member of the Bomb Squad and Christine is laughing and laughing. “He probably shouldn't,” Christine says. Amber is flummoxed. Devin goes to Caleb, wakes him up and tells him it's necessary to bring two girls into the alliance. “They know, bro,” Devin tells Caleb, as if they just came to this understanding on his own. Caleb, with boogers in his eyes, is introduced to the new Bomb Squaders. “We are honored to have you,” Caleb says, wondering how the blazes this happened. “There's eight of us now,” Devin tells Derrick and Frankie. And then Cody. “Devin's just completely lost it,” Cody says, predicting that the Bomb Squad will blow up in his face.
8:42 p.m. Duck Donesty, Joey, Amber and Hayden are doing pre-Battle of the Block yoga. All of the stretching is making Donny feel like “busting a bean.” Ew. Donny's just an entertainer, telling a possibly apocryphal story about a pastatute, a woman who only had sex for spaghetti. Devin is disturbed by Donny's new-found popularity. Or should we call it “pastalarity”? No. We should not. Devin doesn't trust Donny's stories and Frankie tries to talk sense into Devin. Devin says this is the mistake everybody makes. I love those “Big Brother” episodes that are a full week in one hour, but why is Devin playing an entire season of “Big Brother” in one hour?
8:50 p.m. Battle of the Block time, “Great Gatsby”-style. There are swings, giraffes, elephants and Donny looking might Hasidic. The competition, titled The Pouring '20s, is just to fill up a flute of champagne, while swinging. I love how Mom-of-Three Brittany is able to teach everybody to swing. “There is something very fun about swinging,” Donny agrees. Pao-Pao can't get the mechanics. Pao-Pao is just horrible. In contrast, Brittany is having a great time and yelling, “We are professionals!” Things get worse and worse for Pao-Pao, who at least was wearing undergarments for this task. Suddenly, Pao-Pao gets in the swing of things, while we realize that Victoria hasn't been transferring champagne to Brittany very well. It's close. But Victoria and Brittany win. This means that Frankie has been dethroned as HoH. “It's 'Big Brother.' Anything can happen,” Frankie knows. Pao-Pao is ready for the PoV!
Bottom Line. So… Devin is as bad at “Big Brother” as he was at minor league baseball. And Christine and Nicole are adorable. And Hayden didn't say anything all episode. That's about all I've got here.
What did you think of the first Battle of the Block? And were you amused by the birth and demise of the Bomb Squad?