I don’t know about y’all, but I haven’t been all that impressed by the intelligence of the hamsters on “Big Brother” this season.
One way or the other, Thursday’s (August 23) episode will make the end of one of the dumbest Head of Household reigns in recent memory. It wasn’t that Dim-Bulb Pretty Boy Shane did the wrong thing with his nominations. When the opportunity to get rid of Mike Boogie and 21st Century William Katt Frank presents itself, you have to take it. But watching Shane justify his picks on Wednesday’s episode was comically awkward, as he threw Britney under the bus and Britney tacitly threw Dan under the bus and Dan sat in stoic silence throwing himself under the bus. The lone beneficiary of all of the bus-throwing on Wednesday was Ian, whose status as undercover-weasel remains safe.
But how long would Anemic Harry Potter Ian be able to keep that secret? Would Boogie be able to convince enough people to vote Jenn out to survive another week? And how many combined sentient statements would Shane and Ashley — Seriously, how have those two not hooked up yet? — be able to make in an hour?
9:01 p.m. ET. Bare Shoulders!
9:02 p.m. OOH! Tonight’s a double-eviction episode. It’s that old “Big Brother” standby where they send somebody home and then do a week of “Big Brother” challenges in one episode. That’s one of my favorite episodes each year, because it really screws with the slower hamsters.
9:04 p.m. Before getting to the fast-paced insanity, we have to flash back to the moments after Shane named Jenn as his replacement nominee for Frank.
9:04 p.m. Boogie is pissed. Jenn is pissed. “Usually I lean back. I like to chill,” Jenn says, but now she volunteers to fight. For Frank, things are bittersweet. He’s relieved to be safe, but he doesn’t want his shobromance with Boogie to end. “This is not going to be an easy decision,” Ian tells Frank and Boogie. “You’re kidding, right Ian?” Boogie says. His eyes are practically popping out of his head. “I can’t blow my cover here,” says Ian, who’s a less believable secret agent than Cody Banks.
9:07 p.m. Oh Dan. Lose the jaunty hat. Lose it now.
9:07 p.m. There’s great tension in the House. Boogie’s mad at Dan. Boogie’s mad at Shane. “Stuff your sorries in a sack,” Frank says. “You’re just Dan’s bitch,” Boogie tells Shane. “Dan likes to play silent, but the guy’s really just Satan,” Boogie tells us. In the living room, Boogie keeps trying to stir things up with Dan, who’s pretending to read quietly. “Everyone knows I’m never gonna crack under pressure. Bullying doesn’t work on me,” Dan reassures us. He hopes Ian appreciates what he’s doing for him. Boogie’s giving Dan so much credit. “The only thing I’ll ask of Dan is don’t do wrong by Ian,” Boogie says. Oh, Boogie.
9:10 p.m. “I’m pissed off. I’m gonna raise hell,” Jenn says. Ummm… Why? You haven’t done a damn thing all season. Why are you being hostile about being put up as a pawn? Maybe if you’d played the game in any notable way previously, maybe you wouldn’t have been an easy pawn. Jenn just goes around telling everybody what a huge mistake Shane is. Seriously, Jenn. You’re nobody. “This tattooed rocker is over-reacting,” Ian observes.
9:12 p.m. Julie Chen tells the hamsters about the double-eviction and reveals that the second evictee is the first member of the Jury.
9:13 p.m. The nominees make their speeches. Jenn babbles and says she doesn’t want pity. Ugh. Boogie thanks his business partner Lonnie Moore and gives a shout-out to his son. He decides to speak directly to Joe, telling him that he needs his vote and reminds him, I guess, of his wife and kids. Of course, he doesn’t know Ian is stabbing him in the back. “Let’s go New England Patriots,” Boogie concludes.
9:15 p.m. Ashley votes to evict Jenn. Because she has no clue what’s going on. Britney votes to evict Mike Boogie. Joe votes to evict Mike Boogie. Frank wants the broshomance to continue and votes to evict Jenn. Dan votes to evict Mike Boogie. Ian votes to evict Mike Boogie. And that’s all. Danielle adds another vote against Mike Boogie.
9:17 p.m. Julie reveals the vote. Mike Boogie has been evicted. Ian tells him that he may see things he doesn’t like, but he respects him. Oh, Ian. If you’re gonna be evil, be EVIL. “Ian is not to be trusted,” Boogie tells Frank.
9:18 p.m. Boogie exits Tebowing. Mike Boogie is realizing that Ian was his Judas. He’s almost showing humility. “If he did me wrong, it’s just going to reflect on him,” Boogie says. “Them flip-flopping jokers duped us,” Frank says. Britney gets a “call” in the Diary Room from Janelle. It’s pretty funny. I like Britney. “I wasn’t the one who ratted you out,” Dan says. Ian outs the Quack Pack and his role in orchestrating his demise. “I learned from one of the best and that is why you’re sitting with Julie right now,” Ian says. Boogie doffs his cap graciously.
9:25 p.m. Head of Household time!
9:25 p.m. The game is “Before or After.” Ashley goes out first . Joe, Jenn and Dan go out in a rush. Frank is out next, making a last-second swap to a wrong answer. Britney’s out next, leaving only Quack Packers Danielle and Ian remaining. Ian, twitching and biting his fingernails like a deranged lunatic wins Head of Household.
9:32 p.m. We see Ian making a last-second deal with Joe who is, of course, willing to do absolutely anything.
9:33 p.m. “I hate to do this…” Ian says, putting Frank and Ashley up, apologizing over and over again. Ouch. Geez, Ashley. Maybe if you’d made out with Ian instead of Frank, this wouldn’t be happening…
9:38 p.m. Power of Veto time!
9:38 p.m. It’s called “Somewhere Over the Veto” and it’s pretty much everybody against Frank, isn’t it? It’s something about collecting clovers from pots of Chuck E. Cheese gold. The crowd is very vocal as Frank takes a lead and… to the surprise of nobody, he takes the Power of Veto. “You have just a few minutes to decide if you’re going to use it,” Julie Chen observes. The crowd laughs.
9:45 p.m. Frank reminds people that his top target remains Dan. Lots of deep-breathing.
9:46 p.m. Ian can’t stop pacing. He’s absolutely bonkers.
9:47 p.m. “I wish I two of these jokers,” Frank says, using the PoV on himself. “Pop a squat, man,” Ian tells Joe.
9:47 p.m. Gracious! CBS loves the “Full week of ‘Big Brother’ in one episode” because it’s pretty much all commercials.
9:51 p.m. Ashley and Joe get to plead their cases. “I think you guys know it’s been a rough game… The house is pretty separated,” Ashley says, complaining that she’s been underestimated. “Obviously I’m not articulate,” Ashley says. The audience laughs. Ashley can’t get out her speech. She just can’t get the words out. It’s kinda sad, really. Much more sad than funny. Joe pantomimes something. Britney’s amused. Ashley’s entirely unamused.
9:53 p.m. Jenn votes to evict Ashley. Shane votes to evict Ashley. Britney votes to evict Ashley. Frank votes to evict “The Terrible Chef Joe.” Danielle votes to evict Ashley. That’s it for Ashley. “Fireworks in the air,” Dan says, before voting to evict Ashley.
9:54 p.m. I can’t believe that I actually feel bad about this. Ashley is evict. Ian apologizes to her. Ian is going to spend the next three weeks apologizing to people non-stop. “See you guys in Jury,” Ashley says. What happens to Ashley’s stuff since she didn’t have time to pack a bag?
9:56 p.m. “I can’t believe you’re here! I love your side-pony,” Ashley tells Julie Chen. Lots of deep-breathing back in the house.
9:57 p.m. “I made the house very mad,” Ashley says. She admits she’s been considered a floater. She always felt expendable. And then she aligned with Frank and Ian and Boogie, which wasn’t the right idea. “Ashley, I hope your back feels better,” says Julie, who really has nothing she wants to discuss with Ashley.
9:59 p.m. Nobody’s caught their breath back in the house. So much panting!
What’d you think of the double-eviction episode? Are you sad Boogie’s gone? Are you glad Ashley’s gone?