(You like the picture I chose above? Doesn't it look like a creepy Victorian portrait of two dead Silverlake hipsters? Anyway.)
I didn't think there was a way to make a double eviction night on “Big Brother” anticlimactic, but Julie Chen proved me wrong when she announced several times (in her favorite “sinister newsreel” voice) that the evening's evictees would earn the chance to reenter the game. Ugh. What? Already? I half-expected Julie to kick a hole through the big studio TV screen and laugh, “This episode doesn't even matter!” There is nothing about getting 10th or 11th place on “Big Brother” that strikes me as reentry-worthy, but tonight's evictees, who would normally rank 11th and 10th, may well be on their way to a highly unimpressive victory. Hooray?
Bottom line: It's hard to know what to make of tonight's episode. So instead of lamenting the evictions of bow-tied sorceress Jocasta and goofball prince Hayden, let's count up 10 moments that did matter in this kooky, breathless hour of TV.
1. Cody revealed he is terrible at looking unsuspicious.
Though Cody ended up in the right alliance, one that would end up saving Zach and voting out Jocasta, he sure looked like a damn moron trying to play cool as other houseguests walked in on him conspiring. When Frankie waddled in on Cody and Derrick's discussion about evictions, Cody's immediate cover-up was to — yes, this is real — yap, “Hello, sir!” in a cockney accent. That impenetrable ruse. J. Edgar Hoover developed that technique in the '30s, and it's still the FBI's chief form of espionage. Cody added to his brilliant disguise by asking, “How was your nap? W-was it good?” Cody may as well have covered his eyes with his hands and cried, “YOU CAN'T SEE ME, FRANKIE, SO THERE'S NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HAPPENING HERE.”
2. Frankie looks like Diddy Kong when shocked.
And when we can see his hair, he's more Dixie Kong.
3. Zach's rhymes? Were hot.
Even when we knew Zach wouldn't be going home during the eviction ceremony, he dazzled us with an inspiring and defiant series of “Seussical”-style rhymes for his pre-vote speech. The final quatrain in the poem was pure magic: “Your decision tonight is crucial / The wrong choice may cost ya / So when you walk into that Diary Room / Please vote to evict Jocasta.” Leave it to Zach to point out that “cost ya” rhymes with “'costa.” Love you, new Chaucer.
4. Jocasta revealed that God is a sh*tty ally.
After Jocasta (literally) sashayed out of the house during her eviction, Julie quizzed her about her performance in the game. Was she shocked by her elimination? “No! God gives you great discernment! I think this is what God wanted! That's my homie!” Apparently Jocasta worships a god who wants her to finish in 11th place. To quote the immortal Tori Amos, “God, sometimes you just don't come through.”
5. Ariana Grande is a ponytailed Chicken McNugget from an '80s McDonald's commercial.Subscribe to UPROXX
Frankie's sister, the renowned problem-haver Ariana Grande, appeared in the audience for a brief moment this episode. We caught the footage on tape. At 0:05 she even gets in a fun soundbite.
6. There hasn't been a grimmer moment on TV than when Caleb of all people won a challenge called “Mathcathlon.”
Caleb won a math-based challenge for HOH. Spoiler: Caleb is stupid. This is horrible. The only math he knows is how many times he'll let Amber refuse his advances before giving up on a date with her. The answer is double infinity + never.
7. After being put up on the block, Donny won the veto challenge for reasons I still don't understand.
Caleb threw Hayden and Donny, two of his four non-alliance members left in the house, on the chopping block as HOH. The Power of Veto competition was a “Big Brother” classic: Jump into a ball pit and retrieve objects in a speedy fashion. In an outcome that defies all sense of normalcy and decency, kindly caterpillar Donny defeated Hayden, Zach, Caleb, Christine, and a non-living pile of molecules named Victoria. What? How? Donny is SLOW. I'd be suspicious except Donny's entire life seems to defy space and time. After the competition, he panted loudly and for a long-ass time like Odie after being kicked off a table. Whatever. Wheeze on, Donny, you precious prospector prince.
8. Angry Nicole is the best Nicole.
Nicole tried to act angry after Hayden was evicted. She announced, “This is ridiculous!” She sounded like this.
9. Hayden was blindsided by his elimination.
He declared, “I got boned!” Then he awkwardly laughed and added, “Sorry.” Word to the wise, Hayden: Never apologize for getting boned.
10. Turns out we still have two HOHs to worry about. Ugh.
I thought we'd heard the last of the Battle of the Block competitions, but they'll resume this Sunday. I suppose that's better than the old standby, those pointless Have/Have-Not grudge matches. The only slop I want to hear about is the mushy affection between Frankie and Zach, thanks.