Recap: ‘Big Brother’ Thursday: More muscle hustles home

08.27.09 8 years ago 2 Comments

Sonja Flemming/CBS

Ever notice that the studio audience for BB always looks REALLY happy? And maybe a little bloodthirsty? That’s particularly disturbing tonight, as Thursday is always Live Eviction Night, which is really only one step removed from Live Execution Night and I’m telling you right now, it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing those in prime time. Just saying. Until then, whoo hoo, a head is gonna roll tonight! And possibly a big, bald, baby head at that! Of course, judging from the promo leading into the show, it may not just be Russell’s noggin, as Jordan went all gangsta and chest-butted him, but as I hadn’t heard any rumors of her unfortunate demise, maybe she survived after all. 

[Full recap of Thursday’s (Aug. 27) “Big Brother,” with spoilers, after the break…]

Anyway, I definitely get the impression that Russell unleashed hell in the house, as promised, so this should be good television. Lydia just sulked and refused to wash her dishes, but you know when Russell gets pissed about being on the block, there could be broken arms and eye gouging.

Kevin’s way too happy about being off the block – and Jeff is way too relaxed. He explains to the diary cam that he has a deal with Kevin and Natalie (ha!) and he simply had to take out a tough competitor like Russell. I see his logic. And I can’t argue that maybe Russell was going to throw him under the bus the first chance he got. But, um, so are Kevin and Natalie. His only hope is that they continue to suck ass at challenges. Which they probably will. Go, Jeff!

But who cares about that, it’s time for Russell to go all ape crap crazy! Oh, wait, not yet. After Russell delivers a little diary cam threat that Jeff has no idea what he’s in for, we cut to Kevin and Natalie kissing Jordan’s increasingly chubby ass, reassuring her that next week will be sunshine and lollipops. Jordan, acting blonde, nods enthusiastically. Yay, lollipops!

Kevin and Natalie then proceed to do that jumping up and down like fat kids on the trampoline thing, while Natalie wrongly assumes that she and Kevin have a HUGE advantage in the HOH competition. Because she and Kevin win so many challenges. Um, I think Michele and Jordan can probably wipe the floor with both of them, and Jeff must have assumed that, too.

Elsewhere in the house, Michele gives Russell a hug, even though she admits to the diary cam she doesn’t really like him that much. But, given that Russell was her golden ticket into the final two, she feels lost and vulnerable and yes, that big, bald, baby head is really pretty irresistible, I think, so how can she resist crying on Russy-wussy’s highly developed shoulder?

Michele’s tears bring out Russell’s inner (but really, not so inner) Cro-Magnon he-man, and he admits to the diary cam he feels like he’s let her down – and he now wants to slap the crap out of Jeff for making his nice friend cry. Okay, bring on the crazy! Come on! I’ve been waiting long enough, BB!

Jeff, because he’s been feeling crazy powerful and talks about himself in the third person, decides that a big, bald, baby head isn’t all that scary and decides to go out on the patio to have a chat with Russell. This, I predict, will not be good.

Eager to see bloodshed, Natalie and Michele head outside, as does Kevin. Russell calls Jeff a traitor and threatens to mop his face with something expletive, and Jeff tells him he’ll bust him in the mouth if he talks like that again, and adds that Russell needs to man up and admit when he’s been beat.

Natalie, all excited like a third grader tattling about a playground beat down, informs Jordan that Russell’s threatening her big, strong man. So, of course, Jordan goes hustling out to see what’s up, because these people don’t have television and they’re so bored they’d probably try to train roaches to fight each other just to liven up their day.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Russell are comparing who is better at beating the crap out of people. Next comes the penis measuring competition, to be followed by an awkward discussion about who is more heterosexual. Then Jordan has to get in the middle of it, while Kevin giggles on the sideline. I am not liking him right now, devious little floater man.

But Russell sees Kevin as a different kind of floater, as in a life raft, because he decides Kevin is the only one whose vote he might be able to swing. Kevin appears to think about it, which I think he should. Russell wisely brings up the fact that, if Kevin takes Russell into the final two, Russell ain’t getting the big win even if he does have a very appealing head due to everyone kinda hating him. I’m not sure Kevin will go for it, only because he’s pretty set right now. I mean, why bother when he and Natalie are so happily plotting Jeff’s demise?

Russell tells the diary cam that it’s time for his last ditch plan of attack – making Jeff look like more of a threat while driving home the point that he’s the only guy who can take Jeff on. I have no idea how this works, but apparently it entails getting into a screaming match with Jordan who goes all apocalypto on his ass, screeching that he’s GOING HOME while dropping F-bombs like peppermint sticks. Then comes the exciting chest bump, which just annoys the crap out of Jeff who tells Jordan to just sit the hell down, as she’s making him look like a big wuss. Well, he didn’t say that, but I thought it.

Russell then barks like a mildly retarded pit bull and tells Jordan she’s fat and should be eating cookie dough, which seems like a bad idea, but whatever. There’s more assorted screaming between Jeff and Russell, and the crazy seems to be contagious, because Natalie tells Kevin that if he gets any ideas about keeping Russell she’ll stab him in the heart, but knowing Natalie, she’ll miss and get him in the arm or something.

Russell then becomes kinda like the doomsday guy in a cartoon, telling everyone else in the house the end is near and Jeff is going to vote them all out and all Russell needs is a little sandwich board and a long beard and he’d be perfect for a bad commercial or something.

And then, OMG, they’re taking us to the Jury House! I am so excited, because Lydia may kill Jessie or glue his junk to his stomach or do something equally Fatal Attraction-y and that will be SO fun!

Jessie tells us life in the Jury House is lonely, except he’s there with his guns and he gets to tan and work out a lot, so really, he’s in narcissist heaven. He then gets to watch a video of messages from his housemates, and even though Lydia hints she’s going to shave his head while he sleeps (okay, that’s me, but I may not be wrong), he says he has nothing to discuss with her, as they were playing A GAME and maybe she’s just completely insane. But he has no idea how insane, because she’s already told us she’d like to get revenge on him while he sleeps, so I’m thinking that Superglue-meets-junk scenario is really within the realm of possibility here.

Lydia walks into the house and gives Jessie a big hug and calls him a jerkapotamus, then punches him a little. I suspect she’s going to show him Dae Yum Yum, kiss her creepy unicorn, then hold Jessie down and try to shove it down his throat. It just seems in keeping with the whole wuv-you-but-will-still-kill-you vibe she’s got going on. But then she totally disappoints me and curls up with Jessie on the sofa to watch a DVD of Chima’s bad behavior.

Not the fireworks I was hoping for, but Jessie does say he might actually vote for Jeff if he makes it to final two, which is kind of great, as it tells me Jessie understands the game, which can’t be said for the girl sitting next to him in the house, who is so totally going to mutilate him in some way.

Then, it’s time to go to the house and Julie’s dumb questions. Jordan admits she never gets mad, unless some bald guy calls her fat. Kevin was thrilled to be taken off the block. Jeff likes to try to kiss Jordan. Michele liked her churros. Then, Julie tells us food restrictions and cold showers are off the schedule, but that the hamsters shouldn’t get too excited, because CBS will find other ways to make them suffer, like removing fingernails with pliers or mandatory head shaving.

Julie then talks to Jeff one-on-one. He admits his bargain with Kevin and Natalie is shaky, but he pretty much says that he can wipe the floor with them in a POV competition, which is absolutely true unless he suffers a massive head injury or loses an arm. He also admits that he and Jordan have been a little pissy with one another, but he needs her to get her damn act together because she’s gonna cost him big money if she doesn’t, and considering she’s getting a little hefty, he’s not even that interested in the sex anymore. Okay, I’m reading into it, but that’s the impression I get.

Finally, time for last words from the nominees. Natalie wants to thank the CBS producers and the Academy and her agent… okay, just the CBS producers. But she also wants to thank her castmates, who have all told her they wouldn’t vote her off. So Russell obviously feels just great. He said he tried to be one of the greats of the past by being a dick, in which case I think he wasn’t a big enough dick, but oh, well, he’s toast anyway.

Then, the always exciting voting process. Jordan votes for Russell. Kevin votes for  Russell. Michele votes for Russell, to which I say, disloyal bitch.

Anyway, Russell is out. And it’s a shame, because he looks so grown-up in his nice black suit. And, though I thought he might throw a few punches on the way out, he’s exceptionally well-behaved and gives everyone a hug. And, sitting down with Julie, he explains he’s actual a big pussycat and he was just playin’, and by the way, he was going to uphold his final four deal. So, Jeff totally picked wrong, although Russell admits Jeff was only smart to get rid of him. Who is this guy? He’s all corporate and smiley and stuff.

He even laughs it off when Jordan’s good-bye message is that she hates him and Jeff’s is that he’s a totally unclassy guy. Natalie, however, says she considers him a friend, Michele apologizes and Kevin is super nice about everything. Damn floater man.

At last, it’s time for the HOH competition. Jordan better focus, or Jeff’s marriage proposal is totally off the table. The game is The S’more the Merrier. Yes, the S’more. The hamsters run across a graham cracker and get a mug of hot chocolate, oh hell, now I’m hungry and I’m totally not eating refined sugar these days.

The graham crackers are apparently greasy, which is gross, plus it slows the action down to a mind-numbing crawl. Or stumble, as the case may be. But I suspect Jordan will do well in this, as she does seem to be hitting the cookie dough lately, which is probably why she was so mad at Russell. Shoot the messenger, Jordan, why don’t you?

Even if it does make me hungry, I can’t wait to see the winner of HOH this week, as it could potentially change the whole show. Or maybe that will come from the secret twist Julie’s all excited about. Either way, Sunday should be damn interesting. Even without a live execution.

Who do you think will win HOH? What do you think the secret twist will be? And do you think Jordan is as fat as Russell says she is?

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