Thursday’s (August 18) “Big Brother” results show is sure to be anti-climactic, right? There’s no way that Daniele fails to finally lop the head off of Zombie Brendon, is there? I know Shelly’s been getting on everybody’s nerves, but she couldn’t find a way to become more obnoxious than Brendon, right?
Let’s find out… After the break…
9:03 p.m. Do I really have to type “humilitard”? Really, “Big Brother”? Thanks for nothing.
9:04 p.m. Also? Stop staying “Brenchel” in official contexts. If bloggers and ‘shippers want to do it, that’s our business, but every time Julie Chen is forced to say “Brenchel,” a tiny piece of me dies inside. And if you’ll recall the Australian doctorologist report,
9:04 p.m. OK. Let’s kick things off in the aftermath of the Power of Veto ceremony. “Nobody’s going to be able to evict me twice in the same summer,” Brendon glowers. “Brendon has to go home this week,” Daniele says, vowing to clean up Kalia’s mess from last week. Rachel thinks it’s stupid for Daniele to make the same two enemies she basically made last week, but speaking of deja vu, Rachel is back to bawling. “I don’t want to lose you,” Rachel cries to Brendon, who says he came back into the game to teach her that she can do this for herself. Brendon and Rachel realize that Jeff and Jordan are the key to the vote this week. Brendon thinks he can stay if he convinces Adam or Porsche to vote for him.
9:07 p.m. Daniele in a bikini.
9:07 p.m. Shelly swears she isn’t going to come out like Rocky. She’s just going to hold back, which Danielle-in-a-bikini reassures her will be the right play.
9:08 p.m. Brendon’s charm offensive is first targeted at Adam. He tries to convince Adam that Daniele is gunning for the men. Brendon vows to protect Adam and notes that as long as they’re both around, Brendon will always be the biggest target. “Now you made my head hurt and my stomach hurt,” the no-longer-bearded-floater groans.
9:10 p.m. Off goes Rachel to have a meeting of the minds — or at least a meeting of the fake boobs — with Porsche. The VIP waitress notes that last time she voted to protect Brendon, that put her on the outs for a week. “Don’t be all boo-hoo face, though,” Porsche tells Rachel. Good gracious. This exact same conversation happened last Thursday. Or was it two weeks ago?
9:11 p.m. Jeff tells Shelly he’s not voting her out, but he tells the camera that this week’s decision is a big one. Shelly’s vowing that she’s done with her “Trojan Horsing.” Jordan, a natural in the humilitard, doesn’t get the reference and stares off into space in a way that can only be described as Jordan-esque.
9:13 p.m. Wait. Is Jordan allowed to take her dunce’s hat off? Because she’s not wearing it now, as Daniele is trying to convince Jeff and Jordan that she sees the error of trying to backdoor Jeff last month. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing else I can do,” Daniele says. “You were playing the game and it backfired,” Jordan explains helpfully. Daniele’s loose truce has Jeff tentatively ready to vote Brendon out, but he knows this decision will suck.
9:15 p.m. Seconds (in TV time) later, Jordan’s back in the dunce’s hat and she pragmatically tells Rachel and Brendon that she’ll vote with them if they have the votes, but they don’t want to alienate the house. “Worst alliance ever,” Rachel grumbles. “I don’t appreciate Brendon and Rachel ambushing Jordan about the vote this week,” Jeff roars. He goes outside intentionally to get ambushed himself, laying into Brendon and Rachel for putting them on the spot. Rachel pinches her face, rolls her eyes and squirms. “I might be emotional, but I’m not stupid,” Rachel insists to a disgruntled Jeff.
9:22 p.m. Time for a little live conversation. Shelly is still glowing from her conversation with her husband and daughter. “For me, I feel like I won the game on that day,” Shelly says. If only Shelly had decided two months ago that being able to say “Hi” to her family was like winning “Big Brother,” she could have stayed home and let people with less interest in their families compete. Jordan, all humilitarded, feels no regrets about giving the call to Shelly. Brendon thinks America chose him last week because “America wants to see a competitor win this season.”
9:24 p.m. Whoever gets evicted tonight will be the first member of the jury.
9:24 p.m. Ugh. We’re going to ask Shelly’s daughter about how her mom has been playing? Do we really need to interview 8-year-olds? Thanks, Husband Tony, for telling us that Shelly was a homecoming queen. OK, fine. Josie’s really cute in a Scary Little Kid From TV way. She wouldn’t be out of place in the cast of “Full House.” And she’d have been a total natural on “Kid Nation.” When is CBS gonna get its act together and either bring back “Kid Nation” or at least give us a reunion show? I’d watch “Kid Nation 2: Josie vs. Taylor.” Where is Taylor now? Anywho… Josie thinks her mom needs to stop lying and pick a side. She’s not wrong. “My mom’s on the block and it’s really a huge bummer,” Josie says. Awwwww… Barf.
9:31 p.m. That’s a really big “2 Broke Girls” chyron, CBS. I wonder why the humilitard isn’t sponsored.
9:32 p.m. Head of Household Room chat with Daniele. “I’m a very logical player,” Daniele says, explaining her original nominations. Her logic in this particular instance wasn’t so bad. She’s feeling like she held true to her deal with Brendon and Rachel. She’s certain, though, that Zombie Brendon is about to leave the game. “The smallest girl, evicting the biggest guy, twice,” she giggles.
9:34 p.m. Case-pleading. Shelly’s trying to pass on her wisdom as the “old lady” in this game. If she succeeded, I missed it. Brendon thanks his department at UCLA — FIGHT ON, SC! — and vows to spend his next five years doing cancer research. Brendon warns that if he’s the first juror, his vote will go to somebody who played hard, not a floater. His final word to Daniele is, “You will always be Judas to me.”
9:36 p.m. Rachel calls everybody else in the house “cowards” and votes to evict Shelly. Kalia votes to evict Brendon (“For good,” she adds).
9:40 p.m. It’s currently a tie. Up next? Porsche? The sports car votes to evict Brendon. Adam votes to evict Brendon. Jeff votes to evict Brendon, but he shrugs his shoulders, as if the decision were tearing him apart a little. Jordan, dunce propeller spinning, votes to evict Brendon.
9:42 p.m. Farewell, Brendon. “I’m sorry you’ve gotta go again,” Rachel says. “Don’t worry. I’m used to it now,” Brendon tells her. This departure was much less emotional than the first one.
9:43 p.m. And with that, last week’s “Big Brother” twist proved every bit as meaningful as the “Survivor” Redemption Island twist. One week back into the game and then done. Whatever.
9:44 p.m. Would Rachel and Brendon have kept their end of the truce with Daniele? “Maybe,” Brendon says, though he makes it clear the answer was “No.” Brendon and Rachel had a plan: First Rachel’s going to win HoH and then she’s going to shake things up. If she doesn’t? FLOAT!
9:45 p.m. In their prepared messages, Daniele gloats “I swear to God that if you come back again, I might have to evict myself.” “I have no idea why America voted you back into this game,” Kalia says. “I’ll look after Rachel for you as much as I can stand her,” Jeff says. “I’ve found my inner strength,” Rachel says, promising that she’s going to kick butt and take names. There are only seven or eight names left, so she should be able to keep track of them all.
9:50 p.m. It’s time for the Head of Household competition. The game is called “All Washed Up.” the challenge is to fill big fishbowls with detergent. Of course they’re running across a Slip-n-Slide to do it. Adding elevator music isn’t adding to the drama or the comedy. And it’s also instantly clear that this isn’t an HoH that will be completed anywhere within the confines of this episode.
9:52 p.m. Foam party!
9:53 p.m. The funny thing is that it’s only 9:53, but this episode of “Big Brother” is basically over. The episode started at 9:04. If you were to actually extrapolate the amount of programming in a “Big Brother” Thursday episode, you’d probably get something along the lines of 25 or 35 minutes.
9:56 p.m. Spinning wheels.
9:57 p.m. Oooh. Double-eviction episode next Thursdays. It’ll be the ol’ “Week of ‘Big Brother’ in one night’ gimmick.
9:57 p.m. Here comes water. That’s bound to make things pleasant.
9:59 p.m. As we leave, nobody has any sort of advantage in the HoH competition. Glad we stuck around! Good thing I was mostly watching the Red Sox game.
Are you relieved Brendon is gone? Or do you secretly fear that the “Big Brother” producers will find a way to get him back into the House?