“I was impressed when I made a Lego castle. With directions.” Jeff’s little “Wow, am I a dumbass” confession from Sunday’s episode is our intro into this one, and I’m really hoping the editors chose it because it’s funny and it’s easy to make fun of hot people and not because Jeff is, indeed, a little slow. Because this week, as HOH, he’s got to use that little pea brain of his if he wants to make it to the final four. But even I couldn’t tell him who he can trust in this house, except for Jordan, so maybe being a little dense is no big deal – as long as you’re street smart or good at reading eyebrows or something.
[Full recap of Tuesday (Aug. 25) night’s “Big Brother” after the break…]
Anyway, right off the bat Jeff tells the diary cam that he’s perfectly happy about putting up Natalie and Kevin, although he admits he might (might, mind you) backdoor Russell. But I’d tell Natalie and Kevin not to get too comfortable, because Jeff seems to be flip flopping more than your average dolphin or presidential candidate, and really, anything could happen.
In the diary room, Kevin seems to have more of a pulse than usual, and actually says he’s amped, which makes me think Jessie might have left behind some of his protein powder or some steroids or something. He’s gonna get that POV and he’s gonna use it, boo-yah!
Natalie, on the other hand, seems almost zen about her fate, as she’s been on the block four times and she’s getting used to it like any death row inmate. And I’m sure part of her kinda wants to go to the jury house to give Jessie a piece of her mind, or at least make sure he isn’t sleeping with Lydia again, so I’m not really sure her heart is in the game at all.
Meanwhile, big baby head Russell is climbing on his crazy train of paranoia again, asking Jordan if she’s mad at him and rubbing his hands over his shiny little head so much I think he’s going to remove some skin. He’s glad Jeff didn’t put him on the block, but he admits he’s not stupid and he knows there’s a possibility of getting backdoored. So Kevin, amped or not, better watch his ass during the POV, because if he thought Russell was trouble last week, he has no idea what Big Baby Head has in store.
But when Russell isn’t polishing his head, he’s kissing Jeff’s ass, thanking him and telling him he owes him and reassuring him his word is good, which is absolute crap, but with that little happy pumpkin head of his, how can you not believe him? I mean, it is kinda cute. Well, Jeff doesn’t believe him, and he remembers Russell hasn’t been exactly loyal anyway, and maybe ol’ Russell has stayed around long enough. Well, Jeff, I have to say, those Lego castles must have been more challenging than I though, because that’s some pretty decent deductive reasoning, buddy.
Jordan is, of course, loyal to her honey bunny, but the two are long overdue for a lovers’ spat (even though Jordan’s pretty much ixnay on the ovinglay lately), so I’m not surprised when he gets frustrated with her for a lack of focus in preparing for the POV and she shrieks “What do you MEAN I’m not FOCUSED?” And the rest plays out pretty much like every fight every couple has had since the beginning of time.
Jordan: (sulky) “I don’t want you to feel like you have to bring me along.”
Jeff: (frustrated) “But I do want to bring you along”
Jordan: (whining): “But you feel like you’re dragging me along. I’m retarded, too, okay?”
Jeff: (all manly) “I’m trying to help you.”
Jordan: (hurt) “I hate when you raise your voice at me.”
Jeff: (over it) “Do whatever you want.”
Mutual sulking ensues. Ah, young love!
So, Jeff and Jordan go to bed mad, and Jeff adds an extra layer of “F You” by wearing headphones, so he doesn’t hear Russell when he buzzes the HOH doorbell. Russell, being completely Colonel Kurtz-level paranoid, takes this as a sign with a capital S and goes to Michele to wonder what does it all MEAN, which makes him sound like nothing more so than a 15-year-old girl with a big, bad crush on her math teacher who has no idea that she exists.
Then, it’s time for everyone to sit on the patio and talk. Jordan kicks things off by asking Kevin how he knew he was gay. This seems to be a stupid question, as the answer is usually “when I wanted to have sex with guys, duh,” but Kevin, being on the block, is very patient with everyone else in the house treating him like a lab animal or a carnival freak. Jordan says she wouldn’t mind having a gay kid, and Kevin reveals that he thinks all the houseguests have been very accepting of his sexuality, and it’s a warm, fuzzy moment, until you remember everyone is going to try to kill each other in the POV contest later in the show.
Actually, Jeff and Jordan might kill each other sooner than that, because happy la-la dating land has given way to financially strapped, can’t pay the mortgage, why don’t you EVER do the dishes, married for twenty years land. After Michele comes into the HOH room to kiss Jeff’s ass, a conversation which Jordan completely ignores, he lights into her for not paying attention or asking any questions of Michele herself.
Jordan doesn’t like this new, mean Jeff and it turns out Jeff is finally realizing the big drawback of being paired with Jordan – he has to do the heavy lifting and dirty work, while everyone else in the house thinks she’s just an adorable little angel. See what happens when you rob the cradle, Jeff?
Michele, who has an amazing ability to walk in at the worst possible moment, decides to give Jordan a hug when she sees the unhappy couple quarreling, which only confirms to Jeff that he’s the unholy henchmen in their relationship, which could cost him a whole lotta money and he’s not even getting any. And Jordan’s cute and all, but I think she could hang from the ceiling and wear a French maid’s outfit and it wouldn’t be worth $500,000 to Jeff or any straight man, for that matter.
Jordan reassures Kevin and Natalie that they have nothing to worry about, but then Kevin, “I love everyone and they so accept my sexuality” Kevin, snickers that he’s going to stick around and then stab Jordan and Jeff in the back, which would be more threatening if he and Natalie ever won anything, but whatever.
Finally, it’s time for the veto competition, and you know it has to be good because they have palm trees and a fog machine in the backyard. There are bananas everywhere, which inspires Jeff to think of Casey, and lo and behold, he’s the voice of the ape explaining the rules to everyone. People have to find bananas with their housemates names on them… oh, whatever, it’s a banana hunt. Which is not a euphemism.
Jordan is the first to be eliminated, which pisses Jeff off to no end, because it’s just further proof she’s more annoying than he initially thought. Natalie’s next, no surprise, and she’s so mad… as usual. Russell’s out next, then Kevin.
Then, it’s down to Jeff and Michele, and Jeff, because he’s been kinda pissy all week, starts trying to annoy the crap out of Michele by saying he’d found the right banana when he really hasn’t. And it doesn’t work, but maybe it does, because he wins and leaves Michele in the dust.
So Jeff has POV, which seems to go to his head and he even starts talking about himself in the third person, which is always a bad sign.
Another bad sign is when Russell, who earlier had said Jeff would only be stupid not to put him up on the block, admits to the diary cam that there will be hell in the house if he does end up on the block. When he says that, he does not look like a happy bald baby at all, but more like a convict or a pumpkin-headed serial killer, and that’s just not a good thing. I so don’t want to rub his head when he gets like that, either.
Things take another turn for the worse when Natalie swears to Jeff that, if she stays in the game she won’t put him on the block next week – then turns around and tells Kevin that eliminating Jeff next week is the only way for them to win. Oooh, sneaky! And Jeff thought Michele was devious because she’s all brainy and stuff.
Russell continues to be more serial killer than baby pumpkin head, and promises Michele that he’ll be worse than Chima if he ends up on the block, which is worrisome because I don’t know how much production equipment the producers can afford to get waterlogged.
Jordan and Jeff manage to mend fences, and she even stays in the HOH bed and gives him a goodnight kiss, which is more like a grandma kiss than anything but Jeff seems happy to get even a little G-rated action, so all is well in lover land.
Finally, it’s time for Jeff to do the POV dance (wasn’t that by the Pointer Sisters)? Natalie tells Jeff he can help her get closer to the money, while Kevin says he’s been a straight shooter. Which he hasn’t. Whatever.
Then Jeff does something only slightly less stupid than building a Lego castle. Jeff rescues Kevin and puts Russell on the block. No, no, no, no, no!
Russell’s pissed, Michele’s worried and Kevin and Natalie are jumping up and down in the kitchen like fat kids on a trampoline. Oh, I have such a sense of dread now I feel like Conrad Murray looking for a pulse.
Of course, Jeff didn’t really have a good option here. Russell’s a strong player, Michele’s, well, Michele and Kevin and Natalie are mostly incompetent, so he’s got a good chance of winning POV even if they do try to take him out. So, I’m being a little harsh here. Not using the POV was probably a bad idea as well. But how are Jeff and Jordan going to make it to the end? Although really, do we want Jordan to have $500,000? Because I suspect she’ll spend it on gum.
Do you think Jeff was smart to backdoor Russell? Do you think Natalie and Kevin will be able to oust Jeff? And do you think Jeff is ever getting any?