I thought about it. Then I thought about it again. Turns out I'm not exaggerating or brainwashed (like Zingbot, our precious gyrating robot pal who visited the houseguests this week) regarding this week's episode. It really was fantastic, from the stupid Team America challenge to the POV game to the climactic final moment. Best episode of the season? Could be. Here are five reasons why.
1. Donny is innocent but loves being scary as hell.
For whatever reason, Donny has ended up outside the game's major alliance and there doesn't seem to be much of a way in. Our poor bearded chickadee. Sigh. But you have to give Donny “props” (quoth Zingbot) for using one of the few tools left in his arsenal: manipulation of the most impressionable person in the house, Zach. The little speech Donny gave Zach that planted necessary paranoia in his head about getting backdoored? Flawless. And also terrifying. Because Donny is terrifying. Here is the whole speech paraphrased:
“I do hope you win the veto, Zach. I had a special meeting with my alliance — just me and a couple of napkins and a penny — and we all agreed that you better win that veto. I don't really know nothing. Nothing at all, really. Truth is I just tied an old mitten to a weather vane, spun it around, and saw that it was pointing at — well — your demise, Zach. If you don't win, all I know is I got my mouth organ and a ditch down by the crossroads, and I'm prepared to give you a proper burial. Right proper with the sun shining and the vultures hovering and my cousin Myrna screamin' at God. You better win that veto, Zach. Or else the devil will exact his ultimate Zach Attack right up in this prairie barn.”
And then Zach ended up on the block with Cody. Thanks for the tip, angelic/Satanic Donny!
2. Kathy Griffin is both a superstar and a superfan.
Rare is it that outsiders get a chance to visit the “Big Brother” house during an active season and bask in the fluorescent glow of the gigantic Les Moonves ceiling portrait that only the houseguests can see. But Kathy Griffin is no ordinary outsider. The peerless comic visited the houseguests with our old pal Zingbot to prove that she is, in fact, the true Zing Queen (or in Russian: Czingrina). Griffin actually visited “The Talk” last year to discuss her feelings on BB15. “I don't care who wins,” she said. “But I want to see a show about that jury house!” A sophisticated opinion from a true viewer, y'all. Sometimes I wonder if Amanda sat in that jury house vacillating between fingerpainting and punching herself in the face. She was not OK.
And it was awesome seeing Frankie react to Kathy's entrance. He clearly loved her. He also clearly thinks he's funny like her, which is a shame. I think Frankie would be bearable if he didn't insist on attempting humor ever. Every one of his confessionals amounts to, “WELL, NOW I'M USING A SILLY VOICE! ISN'T THAT SOMETHING? HMMMM?!” Unfortunately I stopped finding that technique funny at around the time my mom removed the “Sesame Street” mobile from my crib.
3. Zach's childish reaction to Kathy's zing could not have been gone better.
How cool was it that we got a round of zings from Kathy and the rehabilitated Zingbot? Double your rancor, double your fun. There were a couple of fantastic jokes in the mix, but the best of all was when Kathy asked Frankie, “Hey, what do you call someone who's not afraid to cry, wears pink, and cuddles with men? Zach!”
This is such an important part of the episode. First of all, Zach had no time to prepare himself for the zing, and God knows Zach can't handle a joke without 48 hours notice. While the other houseguests laughed it up, he scowled like the sensitive kid at the first grade lunch table who left his sandwich at home. Naturally Kathy decided to nuke his ass by walking over, leaning in, and hissing, “Zing, motherf*cker!” He laughed for a second, but it was a rough second. I don't have a problem with egomaniacs like Zach, but it is always, always, always funny to mock someone who refuses to laugh at himself. Thanks, Kathy, for approaching him like the bad colonel in “Cool Hand Luke” and needling him like the parking meter-clipping delinquent he is.
4. I don't think Victoria realized her robe was stolen.
Secretly the greatest part of this episode was not when Cody roamed the house shirtless searching for his disgusting hat or when Christine realized her marriage was in shambles because of Zingbot's wisdom; nope, it was when Caleb discovered the stolen Team America items in the recycling bin, began handing them back out to the houseguests, and Victoria realized for the first time that her damn robe was missing. At the top of the episode, Derrick — who stole it — said, “She wears this every day. She'll definitely notice it.” But Derrick: Victoria hasn't even noticed that she's on “Big Brother.” She thinks she's at a Barbizon modeling school graduation, and she's here to show us that she perfected her stare-and-pivot. Man, she is so effortlessly useless. How does she do it? She's giving the ultimate second-place performance, and you have to love her for it. Did I say love her? I meant try to remember her name.
5. Like it or not, Frankie's kiss-off to Zach was great.
For whatever reason, Frankie used the Power of Veto (after a tough puzzle challenge involving electrical tubing and Zingbot's malfunctioning personality) to save Caleb and screw over Zach, his biggest ally in the game. I'm not sure who that move impresses, but I'll tell you one thing: Frankie's rhyming rationale for why he picked Zach was righteous as hell. It wasn't quite a rap, but his flow was sick in a gay poetry slam way. His damning ode ended “So Zach, my friend, go and have a seat / It's time for you and Julie Chen to finally meet.” Yow! Electric! Is it possible for Zach to worm his way out of this? If the power of rhyme is any indication, the answer is: Zach Attack ain't comin' back.