It's time to see what the “Big Brother” Rewind actually means, because no matter how many times Julie Chen half-explains it, I don't have a clue.
All I know is that there was a button, it was pushed and it's going to undo an impressive run of challenge excellence from the otherwise irksome Frankie.
And that's going to be fun.
Or is it?
Honestly, your guess is as good as mine.
Let's find out…
8:03 p.m. ET. Julie Chen has gone dark for the second straight week, as she promises that “the game is about to be rewound,” which she warns us won't impact the target on challenge “beast” Frankie.
8:03 p.m. Cody is confident that Victoria is this week's real target, but anxious that Frankie might choose to take the opportunity to outset him. Victory is making rabbit faces into the camera, on the verge of tears. As she sniffles and weeps, Frankie puts aside something mayonnaise-y to hug her. “There's a .01 percent that I could possibly change their vote,” Victoria estimates. Derrick adds his own hug as the clock ticks down to three days and counting. Later, Derrick is feeling ill and Victoria is wondering why Frankie is Team Cody. Derrick tries to listen patiently, doing his best to guarantee Victoria's vote if/when she makes the Jury. But The Button looms.
8:07 p.m. Derrick and Cody and Caleb hope that the Button brings something good, rather than something that reverses the game. Derrick's goal is keeping this trio united against Frankie in the long-run. Gracious. How many times have we seen Cody showering this season? And how do you think that number compares to the number of times we've see other hamsters showering? Is he just cleaner than the other hamsters? In this case, we're watching him shower because Caleb surprises him and then mutters in incoherent joy. Still playing the game, Derrick is trying to make Frankie think that Caleb and Cody would be likely to beat him. “I'm not counting Derrick out of winning the $500,000 at all. He hasn't convinced me,” Frankie observes skeptically.
8:12 p.m. Spinning a different way, Derrick wants to use Victoria to craft a little more insecurity or confusion. Victoria, the willing pawn, goes to Frankie and rants and tries about how Derrick told her he wasn't voting to keep her. The strings play on the soundtrack as Victoria sniffles and whines and acts. I don't think it's a great performance, but the signs are that Frankie is buying it. “It takes a player to play a player and guess what, Frankie? The joke's on you,” Victoria says. “Me and Victoria? We're a pretty good team. I am gonna miss her,” Derrick acknowledges.
8:15 p.m. The TV tells them that the next live show starts in 48 hours. That lines up with the Button Clock. Nobody's been paying attention to where they are in the schedule, I guess? Cody, in fact, thinks there will be a second eviction on Thursday and the finale will be on Sunday. Nope! Sorry! Caleb, however, thinks that four celebrities are going to come in to compete. He's hoping that Mila Kunis will be there to play for him and if he wins, he'll get to marry her. He's probably incorrect.
8:21 p.m. We're live. “I almost felt like I got to attend a family event. It just brought so much joy into my heart,” Frankie says of being part of Jeff and Jordan's engagement. Then we see footage of the Mouse Hunt for the nonexistent mouse-in-the-house. “Hey. They bite. I know they do. And I don't want rabies,” Cody says of his fear of rats. Victoria outs Caleb and Frankie as the biggest slobs in the House.
8:22 p.m. Let's see what's happening at the Jury House. Zach had a birthday and he received a pink hat of his own. “You shredded your own hat and I got a brand new one,” Zach tells Victoria. Hayden hopes that Nicole won't be returning soon. Oh well. Nicole shows up. Watching highlights from the season, the Jurors are all pretty impressed with Derrick and Frankie. They all want Christine to join them and not because any of them like her. In fact, she enters just as Donny is doing his Christine impression. It's awkward and unpleasant. I get that Christine was annoying and a bit of a liar, but the ongoing hostility is a bit much. Donny claps and cheers when he hears about the audience booing. A consensus is growing that Derrick was the one who voted them all out and that Frankie is a challenge beast. It's like they've been watching the season!
8:32 p.m. Julie's pretending this is business as usual. Final Statements: Cody congratulates Jeff and Jordan and tells Julie she looks great. He also reminds the guys of their deal. “I think you for treating me like the princess I know I am,” she tells the other hamsters, before condemning Derrick for violating her trust. She's really acting hard, eh? Derrick approaches the Diary Room when… SIRENS BEGIN TO BLARE AND LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLASH.
8:34 p.m. “It will affect everyone's game and perhaps your life in the 'Big Brother' House,” Julie teases. Again. Because this “twist” has now been drawn out for a full week. Why won't the twist just TWIST?!? Nobody knows what to do and Victoria is anxious to get her suitcase.
8:38 p.m. There's an obnoxious cheerer at the live show. Whoo-wee! Whoo-wee!
8:39 p.m. “You're all about to do a little time traveling,” Julie tells the hamsters as they watch the week's events play out backwards. Wait. Does this mean Jeff and Jordan aren't engaged anymore? The hamsters now have to replay the entire week and Cody and Victoria get to leave the Block. They're going to have to do the Seed Saw HoH competition again and Cody has to go back to being Dino-Cody. And we just wasted two+ hours of our lives. If you're a regular feeds viewer, you just wasted a full week.
8:42 p.m. Dan Gheesling is very over-prepared, telling Julie that he's impressed by the way the guys have stuck together. Dan thinks the Rewind Button will only have impacted Frankie. “I wouldn't have waited as long as they did,” Dan says of the Button-pushing. Dan hopes Derrick wins, but he acknowledges Frankie has played well this summer.
8:44 p.m. OK. This twist SUCKED. We're now going to return to a competition that Victoria was inept at, that Cody kept screwing up and that Frankie was terrific at. Victoria has no chance of winning. Cody gave no indication he'd be able to win. So it'll be down to Frankie and Caleb again, but… I can't believe we need to do it again. Do we have to do the mashed-up-faces Veto again? And tell me we don't have to listen to Brett Eldredge again… It's like the twist was “The only thing duller than a dull week of 'Big Brother' is having to reexperience it.” And make no mistake: This was a dull week of “Big Brother.” It was so dull they spent 15 minutes from Sunday's show on a montage of two former contestants kissing.
8:50 p.m. “The games may be the same, but the outcomes have yet to be determined,” Julie says, before repeating the rules to Seed Saw again.
8:50 p.m. Yes. I've seen this challenge before. Why couldn't we at least Rewind the challenge where everybody fell down and cramped up and Caleb had to be dragged off like the conquering hero? That was a fun challenge. This challenge was an OK challenge to do once. I don't need to watch it again.
8:55 p.m. This week we'll have a repetitive Sunday, featuring a return by the Jurors (killing the time we previously wasted on Jeff & Jordan). We'll evict somebody on Tuesday, leaving the Final 4. Then on Wednesday, we'll evict somebody else. And then — DEAR GOD — they're also doing a Friday episode next week. And Julie says we're not allowed to miss it.
8:57 p.m. Fake rain starts to fall. It mirrors my misery.
Well, that was just horrible.