Recap: ‘Big Brother’ Wednesday Results – The first hamster scurries home

07.03.13 5 years ago 18 Comments


Hi all! Dan here. I’ll be doing the “Big Brother” results shows this season. Wednesday tonight and then Thursday for the rest of the summer.
OK, since you asked, here’s my problem with “Big Brother,” hamster bigotry, live feeds and CBS:
The people passing around petitions trying to get various houseguests removed from the show are silly. Unless Aaryn wins the prize, “Big Brother” is doing far more harm than good for the smoking hot, xenophobic homophobe. She’s been fired by her modeling company and she will return to a world in which most reasonable people know that she’s disgusting and ignorant. For the rest of her life, when future employers Google her, guess what will come up? Exactly. And it’s not like she’s espousing reasonable conservative-leaning positions on things. She’s just a bigot. So that’ll be hard to defend going forward. Ditto with the rest of the stupidity spewing from the various hamsters. [This is me being naive, I understand. CBS not only covered up Jeff Schroeder’s gay slurs, but they employed him again on both “Big Brother” and then “The Amazing Race” and only a few disgruntled people said a word. I like to believe there’s a paper trail. I fear it’s not as easy to follow as it should be.]
What bothers me, though, is actually on a practical game-play level. Various hamsters are saying nasty things, but they’re only being heard on the live-feed. If you watched only the “Big Brother” telecast, you’d think the hamsters were dumb — M-O-O-N, as Dave would spell it — but I wouldn’t have any idea that they were also just fundamentally bad people, many of them. And CBS’ condemnation of what’s being said is, of course, comically inadequate and disingenuous. Fine. But CBS and “Big Brother” have added a twist this year in which America is voting for a weekly MVP and that MVP has an awful lot of power in the House. And since most of America doesn’t watch live-feeds or read blogs or other stuff, most of America is voting based on a sample that is skewed by CBS’ editing. Editing always will shape out perception of “real” people on reality shows, but in this case, CBS and the “Big Brother” editors are actively impacting the results of the show. America is voting on the MVP because of a perception of the hamsters based on editing decisions and if they’re not being given full information on the hamsters they’re voting for, their vote and, by extension, the results of the show have been permanently manipulated. If one of the bigots wins this season and an MVP-related decision leads to the eviction of any of the few acceptable houseguests, I’d get out and sue CBS and “Big Brother” promptly for playing a direct role, through editing, in a competition they claim isn’t rigged. 
With that rant out of the way… I’ll be recapping Wednesday’s results in my usual live-blog form after the break…
8:00 p.m. ET. OK, Houseguests! Let’s rock this.
8:00 p.m. “People are starting to show their true colors,” a bare-shouldered Julie Chen says. Of course, even if this is true, CBS won’t show those true colors.
8:03 p.m. Julie Chen is going to a gala of some sort after that. I feel really underdressed.
8:04 p.m. “Safe to say it’s been a busy seven days,” Julie says. So busy we haven’t been able to see the best parts!
8:05 p.m. Nick is confused that Elissa was put up on the block, but he’s determined to take David down, no matter what. For her part, Elissa sees this as incentive to be more open and she sits down with all of the hamsters and confesses. “It’s really nice to hear it from her,” says Andy, who calls it “a gamechanging moment.” She also admits to people that she was the MVP this week. “I really am thankful. I have Elissa’s fans on my side,” she says. “Maybe she’s human. Maybe,” says Amanda after hearing this moment of truth.
8:08 p.m. Jeremy and Kaitlin have what he describes as “a good chemical balance.” This means that they’re lounging by the pool together and in the hammock and she’s being dragged off to bed. “Sorry Dad. It’s all fun and games,” Kaitlin says, without an iota of actual shame.
8:09 p.m. In the Have-Not airplane suite, everybody agrees that it has sucked having cold showers and whatnot. But Judd is eagerly awaiting midnight to have booze again and get the party going. For normal people, this wouldn’t be so hard. “I don’t want to wait til 12 to drink. I want to drink right now,” Kaitlin whines. Or maybe it’s Aaryn. Does it even matter? Probably not. They crack open the wine and begin pounding grape without Judd’s permission. The Have-Nots emerge and they’re shocked and saddened that wine has been taken elsewhere. Oh. It was the only bottle of red wine. Now I understand. Or now I understand something. Helen and Elissa are glowering. “I’m just getting sick of how two-faced these people are,” Aaryn says, inexplicably. I love the things that matter to these people.
8:11 p.m. Out by the hot tub, Aaryn and Jeremy are whining. For some reason, Aaryn thinks that a smackdown is in order because some people were annoyed at her being a lush. “I drank the [blank] out of it,” Jeremy tells everybody, claiming he was the only one drinking. I… don’t understand any of this. “I’m really confused,” Helen says. “Aaryn is, without a doubt, the head of the snake,” Andy diagnoses. “I will not stop until all of these jerks are out of this house,” vows Aaryn. “Jerks.” Yes. Aaryn has interesting standards. “I’m not trying to cause the boo-boo stains,” Jeremy tells Amanda, again taking responsibility for for the wine-drinking. “It doesn’t have to be like this,” Helen cries. Remember when Helen was some sort of cut-throat political operative? And now this is making her cry. “I’m about to throw spears at buffalo,” vows Jeremy.
8:17 p.m. Well that was one of the dumbest rows in “Big Brother” history. 

8:18 p.m. “Being in the ‘Big  Brother’ house can make you crazy,” Amanda says, befor illustrating her point by going and bedding down with McCrae. “To be honest, I’m scared. She’s a man-eater,” McCrae confesses. Amanda wants information from McCrae and she’s not opposed to getting kissy with the pizza boy to do it. “This is pretty sweet,” McCrae decides after things get a tiny bit hot and/or heavy. All together now… EW. Or else… All together now… HUH?
8:20 p.m. “All is good in the world of Aaryn and David,” Aaryn says, reassured that Elissa is the target and not her Ken doll.
8:20 p.m. The less cool kids, though, have decided that they may be about to “weaponize” Elissa’s popularity. And Amanda agrees, even if Elissa isn’t “the sharpest Botox needle in the tray.” Spencer, though, has the difficult responsibility of getting the Moving Company on-board with the decision, which is exactly what Nick wanted anyway. 

8:22 p.m. We’re live!
8:22 p.m. “The mood of the house is kinda weird, Julie!” squeals Andy. Helen originally didn’t think the MVP twist would impact the game, but now she’s realized that “anything’s up for grabs.” “Well, we always say ‘Expect the unexpected,'” Julie Chen says smugly. ” Judd doesn’t like the Have-Not room and doesn’t want to go back. “That’s why it’s called The Have-Not Room.” Julie Chen says smugly. Candice is giddy at not being on the block anymore, but for Jessie, David and Elissa… There is no giddiness.
8:27 p.m. Let’s talk to the nominees. Opening statements. Jessie wishes her dad a happy birthday and she wants them to keep her so they can party on this summer. She’s safe tonight and she’d probably tell you it’s because she’s the cutest. Elissa says it would be smart to keep her around because she’s a target and she reminds people that she’s related to Rachel. “M-O-O-N that spells Keep Me,” says David. 
8:28 p.m. The voting process won’t change despite the extra nominee. Amanda votes to evict David. Aaryn votes to evict Elissa. The studio audience boos. Is it because they love Elissa? Or because Aaryn is history’s worst, hottest monster? Nick votes to evict David. Candice votes to evict Elissa. The audience boos that, so they may just inexplicably like Elissa. Spencer votes to evict David. The crowd has evidently been muted. Or else they no longer care. Kaitlin votes to evict Elissa. No boos. More after the break.
8:34 p.m. Come on! Let’s boot David! I wanna see Aaryn’s reaction. She’s gonna unhinge her jaw and eat somebody. I can tell!
8:35 p.m. Helen votes to evict David. Howard votes to evict David. GinaMarie votes to evict Elissa. Like Aaryn, GinaMarie has been fired by her outside job. Winner! Judd votes to evict David. Interesting, Jeremy goes against Nick’s urging and votes Elissa. Andy votes to evict David. 
8:36 p.m. Julie Chen delivers the news. Jessie is relieved she got zero votes. But with seven votes, David has been evicted. Several people are stunned. And swearing. Aaryn is in tears. Where or when will she ever find somebody so pretty and so willing to ignore her anti-gay and anti-Asian slurs? WHEN?!?
8:38 p.m. “I love you America,” Elissa says. Or I’m guessing it’s Elissa. Practically everything being said in the house is being muted, so I assume it’s mostly racist, sexist or homophobic. Better we don’t know. Thanks for protecting us, CBS.

8:39 p.m. “What do you think happened?” Julie asks. “I think because I’m a likable guy, I’m pretty smart,” David says. Huh? “I have that type of personality where I attract people right away,” David adds. He swears that he wasn’t actually shocked, claiming that he detected that people weren’t looking him in the eyes. “She’s been the type of girl I’ve been waiting for my whole life,” David says of Aaryn. The crowd goes, “Awww.” David says that he was getting bored anyway, because he’s mostly a beach guy. Julie asks him about failing to spell a single word in the Veto competition. He blames his inability to pop bubbles on his chest.
8:42 p.m. Jeremy tells David he felt “somewhat responsible,” but vows to avenge him. Nick tells David that he was a victim of The Moving Company. “You started hooking up with the biggest bitch on this show,” Amanda says bluntly and awesomely. “It’s gonna suck without you here,” Aaryn says. “David, there’s a wave out there with your name on it,” Julie Chen tells him. “M-O-O-N, that spells Good-bye,” David says, departing.
8:47 p.m. Head of Household time!
8:48 p.m. McCrae has to sit out. Julie tells the hamsters that tomorrow is July 4, so the challenge is titled BB Barbeque. The hamsters are competing in pairs for some reason. The game is for teams to transfer large quantities of BBQ sauce between a pot and a jar. The winning team is the team that fills their jars first. Idiotically, CBS and “Big Brother” cut out audio as Julie Chen is explaining the rules, so we don’t have a clue how we’re going to go from a winning pair to a single Head of Household. Are the hamsters this year total animals who legitimately aren’t capable of not swearing when they know they’re on live TV? 
8:50 p.m. This is a task that won’t be finished tonight, so we’re basically watching people slip and slide and cart BBQ sauce.
8:52 p.m. Yawn. Come on! Somebody say something racist!
8:55 p.m. Yup. More slipping and sliding and BBQ sauce. 
8:56 p.m. Ah. The winning pair must decide… Wait. Did CBS just cut the audio AGAIN as Julie Chen was explaining? How will this be decided? By whom? Screw this, CBS and “Big Brother.” Do you really have that much contempt for your viewers?
8:57 p.m. Apparently.
Thoughts on tonight’s eviction? Do you agree that David was totally voted out because of how smart he is?

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