Recap: ‘Project Runway’ and Heidi Klum get high on stilts

So, this week’s challenge looks… well, really wrong-headed. Heidi addresses the designers while wearing stilts. She then informs them that they must create an outfit for a stilt walker. But that’s not the REAL challenge. Our diva-ish designers must also work in teams of two. Oh, the fun never starts!

If you’re wondering why I think the challenge looks wrong-headed, my reasoning is this: the judges are CONSTANTLY harping about how they don’t want to see costume on the runway. But this week, they’re dressing women wearing stilts. Are you really supposed to make a refined, sophisticated dress for someone wearing stilts? Why not make gowns for clowns? At least it rhymes. I’m just saying, if the judges want real clothes that real women can wear, here’s a hint: most women do not wear STILTS.

Anyway, Heidi tells the designers which other designers they’re stuck with. Viktor is paired with Bert. Things between these two start off badly before we even get away from Heidi’s velvet bag of horrors. Viktor doesn’t want to deal with Bert, and Bert is offended by Viktor’s childish behavior. I see a cat fight brewing! Although I’m really not sure on which one I should put my money. Bert’s shaping up to be quite a pain, but Viktor doesn’t strike me as Mr. Rogers, either.

Anthony Ryan is teamed up with Laura. Joshua M. is paired with Julie. Joshua M. thinks Julie’s a little bit lost. A little bit lost? That’s the understatement of the year, especially coming from Josh, King of the Overstatement (fashionwise, at least).

Danielle is paired with Cecilia. Anya is with Olivier. Kimberly gets Becky and is none too pleased. Kimberly thinks Becky’s work is plain. Ooohkay. I think Kimberly’s work tends to be disco tacky, so this may not end well. Bryce and Fallene, two designers who’ve been circling the drain for a while, are stuck with one another. 

Heidi informs them that they will be hitting the runway in front of the public and the media for ultimate humiliation value. Then, she cackles. Okay, not really, but Heidi does seem to take a certain glee in giving the designers something new to stress out about. 

In the workroom, it’s time to talk ideas. Or yell at one another, whichever works. Viktor suggests old Hollywood to Bert. Bert nods and says, “Mae West.” But Viktor wants pants. Bert snottily tells Viktor that Mae West NEVER wore pants. Things are going so well for the two of them!

Model fitting! Viktor tells his model to think Queen Victoria, but sexy. Bert points out that Victoria was in mourning for 50 years, so she wasn’t exactly sexy. I can see that Viktor is a clueless, but Bert’s a tiresome know-it-all and I’m not sure which is worse. 

Anya and Olivier are happy together, which doesn’t surprise me. On the other hand, Josh M. is ready to kill Julie with a length of gold-encrusted piping. Oh, look! Viktor and Bert are also ready to kill one another! It’s so fun watching simultaneous meltdowns happening throughout the workroom. It’s like watching a natural disaster on CNN when the tsunami hits AND the nuclear reactor starts to fail. Okay, that’s not fun, but honestly, this isn’t, either.

On the bright side, everyone else just looks like cuddly newlyweds compared to Bert and Viktor. Even Josh M. and Julie iron things out and start working well together. Even though Cecilia gets pissy after Danielle implies she doesn’t know how to make pants, they make up almost immediately. Oh wait! Bryce and Fallene are sniping at one another. And Becky is taking a stand against Kimberly’s tacky gold lamé (I’m telling you, the girl is taste challenged, even if she can sew). So, maybe not everyone is ready to hug it out. 

Tim Gunn time! Our favorite avuncular guidance counselor works his way through the room, sprinkling encouragement and understated frowns where applicable. He loves Josh M.’s pants. He’s unsure about Danielle and Cecilia’s look. And then there’s Viktor and Bert. I feel like we need to give them one of those horrid joined names like Bennifer or Brenchel. Viktor and Bert (Vert? Bertor?) start fighting in front of Tim almost immediately. Tim tells them they have to be a “we.” All the more reason to go with Bertor! 

Tim thinks Laura and Anthony Ryan’s shoulder pads are very on-trend, which is so true. But they’re also being done to death right now, so that might not be a great thing. Tim tells Fallene and Bryce to go go go. He tells Anya and Olivier their fabric choice is unexpected. Anya thinks he just can’t bring himself to say he hates it. Oh, I think Tim would find a way, Anya, if he wanted to. 

Model fitting time again! Fallene can’t figure out how to cut a bodice on-grain. She cries. Bryce is wishing he could leave her in Grand Central Station with train fare, but he’s pretty sure the producers of “Project Runway” will stop him. Danielle and Cecilia have a brief blow-up, then make nice. 

New day! Fallene can’t find her soul. It’s suggested she might find it under a table in the workroom. Fallene is so depressed she doesn’t even find this funny. Fallene is about ready to drop herself off at Grand Central Station.

We quickly discover the runway show will take place in Battery Park. Anya thinks it’s exhilarating. Fallene wants to throw up. Tim gives Fallene a pep talk while she cries. Seriously, Fallene needs to go home. Or get a prescription for something. This show does not agree with her. 

Nina and Michael are ready to get their judge on. And the guest judge is Kim Kardashian. Really? I mean, she’s a beautiful girl, but she’s pretty regularly on worst dressed lists. 

Josh and Julie

I’m not sure about the proportions on this outfit. She looks thick through the waist. And there’s so much going on. Those pants! They’re just too much. I kind of hate this. 

Bert and Viktor 

The fabric choice is very ’80s curtain fabric. I think they actually sold this at Z Gallerie. The strapless top with the hardscape skirt at least lends proportion, but egads. I feel like the model should be carting around a Mexican pine armoire and cast iron candle holders. 

Fallene and Bryce

This is so dull. It looks like a yoga outfit with a  tutu. But the headpiece is cute. 

Becky and Kimberly

I actually like this. The pants are nice. Not sure about the collar, but it’s well-tailored and I like the detailing on the pants. 

Anya and Olivier

I actually like the fabric choice here, and it is unexpected. The top is an interesting interplay of modernism and a neutral palette with something frothy.

Cecilia and Danielle

Egads! The hair, the horrible top that emphasizes the model’s sloping shoulders, the loud color and the crap around her collar. Words fail, really. It’s like Dr. Quinn, Crazy Woman. But the pants are wonderful.

Anthony Ryan and Laura

Love this, love the shoulder pads, love the ruched top. Such flow, too. Red was an excellent choice. 

The runway is over, and it’s time to start judgin’. Heidi tells Oliver and Anya they’re safe and can leave the runway. Anthony and Laura, Danielle and Cecilia and Kimberly and Becky had the highest scores. Joshua and Julie, Bert and Viktor and Fallene and Bryce had the lowest scores.

So, Cecilia and Danielle’s vomitous outfit is in the top three? Seriously? Maybe that looked better on the runway, but the pumpkin head hair certainly didn’t make me think top three. 

Heidi thinks Anthony and Laura’s outfit showed lots of work. Kim loved the color and the little black belt. Nina thought it was beautiful and that it flowed. Her only worry was that it was a little referential. But it was beautiful. Michael thinks it would be fabulous even on a normal sized woman.

Heidi likes the atrocious Dr. Quinn Crazy woman look. But she hates the hair. Michael thinks the hair is crazy. Kim thinks it’s so chic. Yes, Kim, you would. Nina thinks it’s a pretty outfit, but it’s too quiet. Quiet? I have a headache just from looking at that top. 

Heidi thinks the Becky and Kimberly outfit is almost perfect. Michael thinks they’re kick ass tailors. Nina loves the pants. She feels the collar is a little circus-y, though.

Now, on to the losers. Michael thought Bert and Viktor’s outfit looks really old. Kim says it reminds her of “The Sound of Music” when Maria makes clothes for the children. Kim has a retro film reference! Who knew? Okay, I now love her as a judge. She says it looks like curtains. Absolutely right! Nina says it’s a bad costume. Bert blames Viktor. Viktor tries to take responsibility for the look until he realizes that will get him kicked out. He backpedals so furiously you can actually see the wake. 

Bryce tries to sell his idea for the black swan outfit. Kim says it looks like a tank top she wears to bed. Nina thinks the idea had promise, but there’s no detail. Michael loves her headpiece, which makes Fallene SO happy. Bryce calls it a team effort, but he finally throws Fallene under the bus and says she’s the one who screwed up. Which is true, so I can’t really blame him for saying it, even if it’s a tad tacky. 

Michael thinks Josh M. and Julie’s outfit is a horrible Halloween costume. Nina says she has bizarre proportions. Heidi does say it looks well made. Josh, following Bryce’s lead, quickly throws Julie under the bus. Julie and Fallene both stand there, as if they’re taking a beating. Yes, Fallene probably should, but I’m surprised Julie doesn’t point out that DJ Flashy Josh was responsible for the crazy-ass bling. 

The judges send the designers away to talk over the outfits. Heidi thinks Viktor is full of it. So does Kim. I do, too, but I’m certainly not sold on Bert, either. 

Time to announce a winner! Anthony Ryan and Laura did a great job, according to Heidi. Laura is the winner of the challenge! Wonder if Anthony Ryan is still happy about suggesting that she should win it. But I’m very glad he was chivalrous. Even if he had to be chivalrous to Laura. 

Becky and Kimberly as well as Danielle and Cecilia are in.

Time for the losers (waah waah). Josh M. and Julie are in. Bert is in. But Viktor is still on the runway facing possible execution. Bryce and Fallene are next to be assessed. Bryce is in and can leave the runway. That leaves Viktor and Fallene. 

Fallene is… out. Viktor survives to argue again. Poor Fallene. But yes, she was out of her depth. Tim sends her to the workroom to clean out her space. 

Next week, the designers are designing for Nina. Oh my. Talk about a tough customer. 

So, what did you think about the stilts challenge? Do you think it was time for Fallene to go? And do you think it’s fair of the judges to ask the designers to throw their partners under the bus?