Oh, crap. If you’ve seen the promo for this week, you know that Michael Kors, who has never come across as more than a little bitchy if you ask me, makes Christopher cry. So either MK came back from his TV vacation wearing underwear that’s two sizes too tight or Christopher is so stressed out from making insanely beautiful period gowns he’s melting down like the Wicked Witch of the West. All I can say is, bring on the waterworks, because the curiosity is killing me.
[Full recap of Thursday (Oct. 1) night’s “Project Runaway” after the break…]
But first, let me say how much I hate Nicolas. Not only was it completely stupidly unfair that his crappy white ice queen a la K-mart Halloween costume won over Epperson’s Western look and Christopher’s, again, insanely beautiful period gown, but he’s just a big bitch with bad hair whose resemblance to that killer doll Chucky is starting to become unnerving. This week, his bitchy opening statement is that it’s time to start getting rid of the girls, adding, “Shirin, you’re out.” Which makes me hope she wipes the floor with him even more than I did before. And before, I wanted her to wipe the floor with him a lot. Because I just want anyone to wipe the floor with him, even batcrap crazy Chatty Cathy.
But he won’t be going home this week, because that ugly ass K-mart gown got him, yes, immunity. Like I needed further proof that life is unfair.
Heidi pops in to show off her rockin’ leather skirt and tell everyone they have to go meet Tim Gunn. Poor Tim. It’s time for his Shameless Plug, and today he introduces Martin Reardon, EVP of Macy’s INC International Concepts. Which is the private label brand for Macy’s, FYI. Martine learned public speaking at the “How to sell crap on infomercials” school, because she’s just that annoying. But she does very clearly and carefully enunciate the day’s challenge, which is to create two looks appropriate for the INC brand in the hue of blue (which is totally different than the key of life). Because blue is this fall’s purple. Which was last season’s black. Anyway, the winner gets a holiday dress in select Macy’s stores and online. Which is Macy’s out to make, like, ten dresses if they think the winner kind of sucks.
But Christopher ignores the fine print and gets all hella excited because he hopes he’ll be able to walk into his neighborhood Macy’s and point to his gown. Oh, Christopher.
Then, Tim points out that they’ll be working in teams of two, which depresses Carol Hannah so much she makes the Peanuts schoolteacher wah-wah noise, which she’s surprisingly good at doing. Tim then explains that everyone gets fifteen minutes to sketch, then will have to pitch to Martine, who will pick the five team leaders. Pressure!
Unfortunately, no one pitches anything too crazypants, so Martine’s glazed, frozen smile never breaks into “hell, no!” mode, which would have been kind of great to see. She makes her picks, and guess who knows the Macy’s shopper? Irina, Althea, Carol Hannah, Christopher and Louise. The girls dominated four to one, which hopefully made bitchy little Chucky/Nicolas crap his pants with jealousy.
Althea picks Logan to work with her, which I’m sure pissed off Carol Hannah to no end. Christopher picks Epperson, to which I say, good idea. Louise picks Nicolas, to which I say, good luck. Irina lets Gordana pick herself, and Carol Hannah’s stuck with She Who Can’t Shut Up, Shirin.
Off to Mood! This is more fun than usual, because you get to see the cracks forming in the teams right away. And who does not play well with others right off the bat? Irina! I love Irina, but she’s clearly a solo act and I fear she’s going to beat Gordana over the head with a bolt of fabric, and let me tell you, those things can be heavy so we’re at least talking a concussion if not traumatic brain injury. But I’d hit Gordana over the head, too, because she seems to be a little all over the place. And if there’s no way to drug her into a stupor, hey, a good whack on the head should slow her down.
So, back to FIDM. Carol Hannah doesn’t know how to delegate. Irina feels she has to do everything herself. Excuse me, I think I’m having a bad bosses flashback. Nicolas takes the role of disgruntled employee, because he hates ruffles and thinks Louise is stupid, basically, and has to gossip about his horrible lot in life to Althea, who most likely has better things to do.
Epperson, because he’s Epperson, tells Christopher he’s friggin’ awesome because, having survived Qristyl and her psychedelic Spandex passive-aggressive craziness, he probably thinks being partnered with a houseplant or that YouTube cat that plays piano would be an improvement. And Christopher loves him back. And I love them both, because I thought they’re designs were so much better than Nicolas’ last week I just want them both to beat his ass. Maybe in the promo Christopher’s crying with happiness? Okay, fine, whatever.
Oh, boy. Did you know Louise makes bird noises while she designs? This calms her. Xanax is also calming, Louise. I’m just saying, think about it. You’re on national television. Even if it is Lifetime.
Oh yay! It’s Tim Gunn Holding His Chin and Nodding Time! He tells Carol Hannah and Shirin that they’re 80 percent there, which is a good thing. He tells Louise and Nicolas that he doesn’t love the ruffle contrast but he’s excited by the potential. He tells Althea and Nicolas he loves their modern, non-stereotypical suit.
Then, it’s time for Gordana and Irina. He has some questions about the top. Irina thinks the waistband will be separate from the top, Gordana disagrees. Gordana doesn’t want it to tie, Irina does. Tim says they have a lot to discuss. I think Irina is going to rip Gordana’s face off, so if that’s what he means by discussing, then yes, they will be discussing very, very soon.
Tim tells Christopher and Epperson he loves shirtdresses, but the textiles aren’t rocking his world together.
The models come in. Priceless comment #1: “Is the theme blue?” What gave it away? All the BLUE?
Priceless comment #2 “Look at my booty!” Only a skinny ass model would be excited when a skirt is way too tight. Carol Hannah and Shirin overrule the model, thank God.
Priceless comment #3 “I hate ruffles. Ruffles make me sick.” Oh, stuff it, Nicolas. Back at the apartment, he has to tell his suite mates that he thinks Louise doesn’t have a clue who she’s designing for. I think Nicolas just can’t stand not being the team leader. Have I mentioned that I hate Nicolas?
Time for the runway! Louise doesn’t think she’s sending finished work down the runway. Gordana manages to pull out a top that makes Irina happy. Christopher feels confident. Oh, Christopher. I’m not sure I can watch.
Off to the runway to meet the judges! We’ve got Michael Kors, Marie Claire senior fashion editor Zanna Roberts (does every editor there have a Z name?) and Martine.
Irina and Gordana
First look: Flowy, striped tent dress with spaghetti straps. Nice job.
Second look: The Problem Outfit. Not sure about this one. The fabric kind of bags over the model’s boobs, which I would consider not exactly flattering.
Althea and Logan
First look: I like the suit, but perhaps a skirt that covers her lady parts would be a good thing.
Second look: The crotch of the pants seems to be saggy. The top is too fussy. Don’t love this.
Louise and Nicolas
First look: It looks like a black-haired poodle exploded on this dress.
Second look: Nicolas can suck it. I like the contrasting ruffles. Is that enough to make up for the first look? Not so sure.
Carol Hannah and Shirin
First look: A perfectly acceptable tank dress.
Second look: A flouncy top with a wide belt and leggings. Not bad.
Christopher and Epperson
First look: I know this is supposed to be a reinvention of the shirtdress. But I don’t see the reinvention. It just looks like a shirtdress. Actually, I think I may have owned this exact shirtdress. Damn, now I have to go check my closet. And make sure I threw it out.
Second look: Lovely top, if you think the average American woman wants to look like a blue satin eggplant.
Judging time! Althea and Logan get a pass into next week. Time for winners and losers. Heidi announces that the lowest scores go to Louise and Nicolas and Christopher and Epperson. So, they get to go back stage and tear their fingernails out with their teeth, because it’s time to give love to the four designers who didn’t suck.
Carol Hannah and Shirin
So CH was right about knowing the Macy’s consumer! Martine thinks CH did a good job of interpreting INC. Michael likes the tunic and thinks it could also be a dress. Heidi says it doesn’t look cheap.
Irina and Gordana
Oh, boy. Heidi, of course, asks them how well they worked together, so Irina starts complaining about Gordana. Girl, you’re in the top four, shut up! Everyone loves the dress. Heidi loves the top. Michael was excited to get a pattern on the dress.
Onto the losers. As Carol Hannah would say, wah-wah.
Louise and Nicolas
Martine thinks the ruffles are too overstated. Zanna thinks the dress is pukey. Michael Kors thinks it looks like a shower loofah. Heidi thinks Nicolas is an ass for not saying he hated ruffles. I agree with Heidi.
Christopher and Epperson.
Heidi thinks the eggplant top looks like a lobster bib. Michael Kors thinks the dress looks like a librarian tablecloth. He thinks the top is a disco pumpkin. He says pumpkin, I say eggplant. He asks Christopher if he thinks the colors go together, then answers his own question, because Christopher is flat out bawling now, and says no, they don’t. Martine says she doesn’t like the fabric of the shirtdress. Christopher has found a Kleenex, which is a good thing.
Time for the judges to talk. Michael hates Louise and Nicolas’ ruffles. He hates Epperson and Christopher’s nightshirt Americana and disco bubble. Martine thinks it wasn’t fun, and Zanna thinks it was badly made.
As for the winners, they loved Irina and Gordana’s flowy dress. They gave props to Carol Hannah and Shirin designing multiple pieces, all of them wearable. Martine said they would sell. I smell a winner!
Time for Heidi to auf someone! Shirin is… in. Irina is… the winner! Shocking. Even with the boob saggage on the top and her throwing Gordana under the bus. Go figure.
Epperson is… in. Nicolas is, of course, in. Heidi has to remind him he’s lucky in an acid tone I really love.
Heidi calls Louise’s designs bad bridesmaid dresses. She tells Christopher his designs were badly made and horribly styled. This time, he just looks sad and slightly pink-eyed, like an unhappy Easter rabbit.
Louise is… out. Christopher is… in. So, he starts crying again. Louise leaves. Bye, Louise. I hate to say it, but she had started to lose steam in the last two weeks. It’s very, very clear that this season the level of talent is pretty damn high. It wasn’t that she was so bad, she just wasn’t mind-blowing. And this year, you’ve got to be close to perfect to survive. Unless you’re Nicolas, and you can float by on a pocket of spite and good luck.
Ooh, a look at next week! New models. Nicolas makes something hideous. Shirin cries. Gordana cries. Something looks like a garbage bag. And Michael says something is double ugly. So, thinks are getting nasty next week. Can’t wait!
Do you think Louise should have gone home? Do you think Michael was too rough on Christopher? Who do you think is going to Bryant Park?