Let me just say that this week’s “Project Runway” challenge should have been a home run (or at least a lot easier than dyeing crappy 1980s wedding dresses) for our intrepid designers, but instead it only results in some of the worst Stevie Nicks/Britney Spears bedazzled, craptastic leftovers you could ever imagine. But with a guest judge/sequinholic like Bob Mackie at the judges’ table, you couldn’t exactly expect subtlety and sophistication. I swear I’m crossing my fingers waiting for Tim to announce, in his sober and avuncular way, that one week’s challenge will be dressing pre-op drag queens or street hookers, because that will not only be super fun, but really, a natural progression.
[Recap of Thursday (Oct. 15) night’s “Project Runway” after the break…]
But let’s get to it, shall we? Christopher reveals that he is here to make it to Fashion Week. Wow, really? That’s original. Just once I’d like a designer to say they don’t care if they make it to Bryant Park because they’re really on the show to design dresses out of paper mache and human hair and they could give a crap if Heidi and her cohorts like them. Oh, well. Maybe next season.
Heidi, who really might as stand around looking pretty and babbling incoherently in this segment because it serves no real purpose, tells the designers they will need to shine in the next challenge, Tim is waiting for them, he has a special guest and no more immunity! Mwahahaha! Okay, she doesn’t cackle, but she seems to enjoy delivering bad news way too much. Poor Seal.
The designers walk in to the museum of FIDM to find Tim standing next to Bob Mackie. This is the guy who made Cher look like a spangled hooker train wreck through most of the 70s and early 80s, but the designers are super excited to meet him anyway.
As if the presence of Bob Mackie wasn’t a giveaway, the challenge is to create an extravagant stage look. Bob tells them they need to create for a goddess from a mythological kingdom. Nicolas is about to wet his pants, which I think he does any time he hears the words “mythological” and “goddess.” Then Tim says they will be designing for Christina Aguilera, and everyone loses it. Christopher says she’s an icon and he’s frightened. Nicolas says he does this kind of stuff for his theater and film work all the time, which is surprising, because I didn’t think they wore a lot of sequins in porn movies.
It’s off to Mood. Whee! It’s going to take Mood months to restock their sequin inventory. But Nicolas is going to create his own sequin patterns, because he and Bob Mackie work exactly the same way, except Bob Mackie gets paid. And doesn’t look like Chucky the homicidal doll.
Irina, who has gone from being a shy, retiring type to She-Ra, Queen Bitch of the Sewing Room, tells us that, once everyone returns from Mood, you can tell who the sucky designers are because they keep looking at their fabric like deer caught in the headlights. She might as well come right out and call Shirin a dumbass, because guess who looks most like a dazed woodland creature, albeit a babbling dazed woodland creature? Yes, that would be Shirin.
Irina spews a little hate toward Carol Hannah, as she thinks girlfriend bought Halloween costume fabric, which, sadly, may not be wrong, although I think everyone bought Halloween fabric. Sequins, Bob Mackie, ugly stage crap, remember, Irina?
Gordana is frazzled. But Gordana has immunity. She’s also about 20 years older than some of the other designers. Let her take a nap and join AARP, people, it’s only right. But no, she decides to trash her bead-sloughing dress and start over. Good way to break a hip, lady.
Nicolas tells us he knows Christina likes to show off the girls. The girls? It’s bad enough when actual women say that. Excuse me while I vomit a little.
Carol Hannah doesn’t know what Shirin is making. Shirin doesn’t know what Shirin is making. But everyone agrees, Shirin is making a mess.
Oh, yay, it’s Tim Gun Judgment Hour! Christopher tells Tim he’s making a tearaway dress. Tim thinks it’s too prim and that it’s a 1999 Halloween ice skating outfit. Althea is making a wow sequin look. Tim doesn’t seem very wow. Tim thinks Gordana’s look is very matronly. Why does Gordana seem intent on dressing Bea Arthur each week?
Tim thinks Nicolas has just recreated his winning look. Tim says that’s an uh-oh. Nicolas is praying Tim is wrong. But he’s not changing it. Dumb Chucky. Tim thinks Carol Hannah’s dress could have a major wow factor. Tim thinks Shirin’s dress is Guinevere meets Vampira. If you’re wondering, that’s not good. It’s student work for a 16-year-old’s prom. He doesn’t like anything about it. Tim is not holding back. Shirin looks like she’s going to fold up like a babbling, sad origami swan.
Irina, who is now our official Voice of Hate (that would be a great metal band name, right?), doesn’t understand why Shirin hasn’t been sent packing. She thinks her design sensibility is very bargain basement. And then she pulls the pins out of her dress and shoves them into Shirin’s throat. Okay, she doesn’t, but you know she wants to.
Logan says Carol Hannah is a little Southern belle who says crazy, crazy things. Clearly, he’s thinking with the part of his body that wants to see Carol Hannah naked, because nothing she says is all that interesting. Then we have to watch them make goo-goo eyes at each other while the show plays 70s sexy time music. Hands down, this episode has had the highest queasy factor ever.
Then, for no apparent reason, everyone starts freaking out and putting fabric on their heads, while Irina oozes silent contempt like the Wicked Witch of the West if she’d had a good conditioner and excellent volume.
The models come to visit, which gives Irina someone to be catty with, oh boy! She tells her model, who looks all kinds of uncomfortable, that Carol Hannah is painfully mediocre and has a crap personality. Which everyone can apparently overhear. Irina is that mean, pretty girl you knew in high school who judged everyone and whom you really, really wanted to see run over by an errant school bus.
Nicolas says Irina is a great designer, too bad she’s a bitch, to which I say, oh my God, I think I have now migrated from hating Nicolas to hating Irina. I am very confused right now and may need some smelling salts or a warm compress.
Finally, it’s runway time. Thank God, because if we spent any more time with the designers I was going to start hating even more of them. The judges are Bob Mackie, Nina Garcia (SO glad she’s back so we don’t have to deal with the insipid Z girls) and, of course, Christina Aguilera, who looks way too chubby and short to wear any of these designs, but whatever.
This is not wowing me. The jacket looks like a dead chicken. Pattern’s nice enough, but I smell Cher. That’s not a great smell.
Zebra print, 80s retro, whatever. Wah-wah.
Waaaaaay too witchy. The satin looks like it’s pulling in all the wrong directions, and the ruffles look cheap. Not her finest moment.
I think this is kind of cool, in that it’s a tearaway dress that reveals a rocker chick outfit complete with striped hot pants.
Chucky and his ice queen shtick, sigh. I do think this looks an awful lot like his winning outfit. Doesn’t he have a color wheel to work with? The feathers are nice, though.
This is not a stage outfit. More red carpet. And Tim was right, very Grandma. OMG, what are those things on the front of the dress? Are those supposed to be metal nipples? Egads.
This is sparkly lingerie. The model is walking so fast I can’t get a feel for the detail on this look, but it’s so dark I don’t think it pops.
Okay, I went through a Goth phase so I’ll admit, that colors my judgment. But I think this is actually kind of cool. It is totally Vampira or Elvira or whichever Queen of the Dark you prefer, but I don’t consider that a bad thing, even if Tim does.
Heidi lets Irina leave the runway. Sorta glad she’s not in the top three, sorta disappointed she didn’t get a good dressing down in the bottom. Gordana is sent off the stage with a slap on the wrist. Good thing she had immunity, because Heidi thought her dress was crap. Which it was.
Christina loves Carol Hannah’s dress and could see herself in it. Nina thinks it’s very glamorous. Bob loves the textures of black. Heidi says it’s a wow dress that doesn’t look cheap. Yay! One small step for Carol Hannah, one big step for Goth. I am so getting out my black eyeliner now and no one can stop me.
Heidi asks Shirin if she’s confident about her dress, which pretty much tells her that she shouldn’t be even if she is. Heidi tells her that it looks like a Halloween witch costume. Christina thinks she’d trip in it. Nina liked the top half but felt it didn’t connect with the rest of the Carmen Miranda disaster below it.
Bob thinks Althea’s dress is very clever. Heidi thinks it looks great on her ass. Althea suggests Christina whip off the chicken jacket and flash it like a toreador. Everyone laughs at Althea.
Heidi doesn’t love Christopher’s top and hot pants look. Nina thinks it’s too Lady Marmalade. Bob says he wouldn’t put the corset on a chorus girl. Christina gives him an E for effort. I have to say, I’m shocked. He did a ton of work, and what the hell are rocker chicks supposed to wear on stage except slutty hot pants and corset tops? Because Christina Aguilera is too classy for that now? Puh-lease.
Heidi loves Nicolas’ crap dress. Christina thinks it’s really pretty. Bob loves the feathers, though he wishes it had something else with it. I continue to be amazed by the judges’ enduring love for all things Nicolas.
Christina thinks Logan’s look is a little cavewoman. Nina thinks he took a chance, but wishes he’d run with it.
Okay, time for the judges to confer. Everyone looooves Nicolas’ dress, apparently having suffered a critical brain injury since he won with the exact same dress in a longer version a few weeks ago. Nina overcame her resistance toward black for the stage when she saw Carol Hannah’s dress. Heidi calls her a very good designer, which will certainly piss of Irina when she sees this episode. Bob likes the way Althea’s dress hugged the body.
As for the losers, Nina doesn’t know what happened to Shirin. Neither does Christina or Heidi. Bob calls Christopher’s dress road company of the Pussycat Dolls. Nina thinks it’s disgusting he’d revisit something Christina has already done. To which I say, huh? As I recall, Cher wore a variation on the same crap witch outfit for about 20 years. If that’s the attitude, they should be clubbing Bob Mackie to death with his chair.
Heidi says at least Logan tries to be hip. Bob says he should have put diamonds on the crotch, which gets Christina awfully excited. This is starting to be uncomfortable. Probably about as uncomfortable as a diamond-studded crotch.
The winner of this challenge is… Carol Hannah! Suck it, Irina!
Nicolas is… in. Shirin looks like she’s going to throw up.
Logan is… in. Shirin is actually shrinking. Is that actually possible?
Heidi tells Christopher he’s an idiot for rehashing Lady Marmalade. She tells Shirin her outfit was boring and unflattering. I hope one day a designer just walks over to Heidi and slaps her, just to make this part interesting.
Shirin is… out. Won’t Irina be thrilled.
Okay, I’ll gladly admit that dress sucked, but I will miss her crazy yapping. More than that, I hate that Irina was right about Shirin. There’s nothing worse than a total bitch who happens to be right in their venom spewing.
Next week, it looks like Irina may get hers, though, which excites me greatly, plus Nicolas has a mental breakdown! Now, I know I’ve been rooting for exactly that since the show started, but now I’m a little conflicted. Anyone who thinks Irina is a bitch can’t be all bad, can they?
Do you think Shirin deserved to go? What do you think crawled up Irina’s butt? And do you think the judges should have docked Nicolas for recreating his winning look?