By the end of last week”s Season Two premiere, Abbie had been rescued, Jenny had been rescued, and Katrina was still ensnared by Headless. Well, two out of three damsels no longer in distress ain”t bad? Unless Captain Irving counts (he totally does), in which case the distressed damsel to rescue ratio drops to an abysmal 50% success rate.
Can our heroes get the team back together by the end of “The Kindred”?
The world is upside-down, literally, as Headless and his horse canter across the moonlit night. Headless is riding towards a circle of fire, and sticks, and human skulls. Because he is nothing if not a stickler for evil traditionalism. Katrina is with him, and it doesn”t take long until she”s tied to the altar at the center of the circle, set to be sacrificed/married while her son officiates.
Henry pricks his mom”s hand and she is blood-bound to Headless. Gross. But right before they can be pronounced husband and recently decapitated wife…Ichabod wakes up. IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
Now we”ll never know who shot J.R.
But the dream was more of a premonition since Crane has been doing research. According to the codices of exposition, Headless is totally going to bind himself to Katrina in unholy matrimony. Abbie cracks a joke about the wedding industrial complex and Ichabod gets to be offended that the sacred right of marriage has been turned into a billion dollar industry and fodder for reality TV. Abbie declines to point out that in Crane”s heyday, most marriages were more business deals than love affairs. Because she”s a better person than me.
Instead she distracts Ichabod before he can get fired up into an apoplectic “Back in my day,” rant, by asking him where Headless might be keeping Katrina. After all, before he was the fourth Horseman, he was just plain old Abraham Van Brunt. Crane totally knew him as a person and should be able to figure out where his ex-buddy would be hiding. But Abbie can”t stick around to hold Crane”s hand through it, she has to go meet the new LADY sheriff.
WHERE THE EVER-LIVING HELL IS ORLANDO JONES!?
Abbie missed roll call on the first day of school but that”s okay because she knows Sheriff Leena Reyes. Or more specifically, the Sheriff knows Abbie. Mills was too small to remember, but back when Reyes was an officer, she responded a few times when Abbie”s mom called the police…or had the police called on her. The nature of the disturbances is left vague. If I were a bettin” woman, I”d say they involved demons but nobody believed her.
Anyway, Sheriff Reyes is tough as nails. She”s dealt with border patrol and drug cartels who leave body parts behind as warnings, so she”s not about to be spooked by some lone serial cop killer who decapitates people. Unlike Captain Irving, Reyes is going to restore sanity to Sleepy Hollow.
Excuse me while I laugh until the end of time. Oh man, poor newbie!
While Abbie was introducing us to this season”s non-believer, Ichabod figured out where Headless took his wife. To the family estate. Wow, really? You didn”t IMMEDIATELY think of that? Worst. Detective. Ever.
Anyway, we get a quick flashback to the emerald necklace Abraham gave Katrina when they were betrothed, in case you forgot that Ichabod stole his best friend”s girl. This is what happens when the wish from “Jessie”s Girl” is granted. Your ex-best friend makes a deal with Satan to be come an immortal warrior of Death to avenge getting cock-blocked.
On their way to the Van Brunt estate, Abbie hedges that maybe they”ve lost focus on the big picture here. Trying to get Crane laid isn”t exactly going to stop Moloch from heralding the end of times. Ichabod points out Katrina is a super powerful witch and they need her help, despite doing just fine without her up until this point.
Look, I”m just gonna say it. We”re all thinking it. If Katrina was that powerful, she wouldn”t be playing budget Princess Peach. Self-saving is kind of what powerful witches do, isn”t it?
By the time Crane and Mills find the old Van Brunt carriage house, it is the dead of night because time in Sleepy Hollow is wonky as hell. Death”s horse – whom I shall be referring to as Binky from here on out – is outside, so they know this is the right place. Crane catches sight of his wife and is ready to bullrush the place but Abbie is all, “Calm down kamikaze. Let”s go back to Cabin Control and get a plan that doesn”t involve instant death.”
Our heroes make a tactical retreat. Again, pointing out that Jenny…boring old non-magical human Jenny…would”ve escaped from the Horseman of War four times over by now. Get it together, Katrina.
Speaking of Jenny, she”s back at Cabin Control with the Scooby gang to figure out their plan. Turns out Katrina”s coven of witches had been in league with Ben Franklin to stitch together a creature powerful enough to match the Horseman of Death. They called it the Kindred, but it”s totally Frankenstein”s monster. Wait, no. It”s Franklinstein”s monster! Unfortunately, they were never able to turn on their abomination because they needed something from the Horsemen of Death to power it. Without magical batteries, it”s just a super disturbing doll.
Meanwhile, Henry has moved into the creepy house from last season. But he”s not there long before Moloch comes a calling and we”re back in Purgatory. Like any lenient parent, Moloch finally remembered he should punish failure, but the message is kind of diluted when you wait that long to dish out punishment. Rookie parent mistake. Moloch is all blah, blah, blah, I”ll find my own way the mortal realm. Blah, blah, blah, don”t fail me again.
Back at Cabin Control, Ichabod is super excited because obviously they have Headless”s head and can kickstart the Kindred and rescue Katrina. But Abbie and Jenny – as non-crazy people – are like “Hell no, you don”t fight fire with fire and you don”t fight unholy undead creatures with unholy undead creatures.” They point out there”s no way to know if they”ll be able to control the Kindred and this is a stupid plan. But then Ichabod gives them puppy dog eyes and they relent.
At least Abbie tells Jenny to go get the guns. Just in case.
Finally, we check in on Katrina. Headless is still using the necklace to appear as Abraham and not as an abomination against the natural order. He points out that Ichabod left her to rot in Purgatory for centuries, but rescued Abbie in less than a day. Clearly Crane has moved on and has a new love and no one will ever love Katrina like Abraham does. Girl, no. Don”t look sad and flashback to when Crane and Mills hugged! Your husband was literally dead for most of your incarceration and spent nearly every waking minute trying to save your ass since he rose from the grave. He saved Abbie faster because he already knew how.
Do not fall for this Stockholm Syndrome bullshit.
For the first time this season, we finally see Captain Irving! He looks like hell. Apparently prison inmates don”t cotton to former cops and make their displeasure known on said ex-cop”s face. Abbie gives him the watered down version of what happened since confessed to murders committed by a demon to save his daughter from being charged.* Irving tells Mills he put Headless”s head in a safe deposit box at the Sleepy Hollow Savings and Loan. Bless him, that is SUCH a cop thing to do. Irving and Mills agree he should start telling the truth and get transferred from prison to Terrytown Psychiatric, so she can visit him easier.
*Come on, Irving. Like those double homicide charges would”ve stuck. What jury in the world would believe a paralyzed twelve year old girl snapped the neck of a 200 lbs. priest and a veteran cop?
Knowing where to find the battery to power the Kindred monstrosity, Abbie and Ichabod hit the bank. To the surprise of no one, Crane is not a fan of the bank. Or the fact that they chain their pens to the desk. Or credit cards with no collateral. Abbie gets him under control and saves the hapless bank employee just as he”s frothing at the mouth at America being an “insolvent flock of debtors.” No one tell him about the housing bubble crash.
Also, the bank employee is totally an Ichabbie shipper.
Retrieving the head is an entirely anticlimactic occurrence. We get a quick cut of flashbacks to Season One for those of us just joining in this year. The remarkably good condition of Headless”s teeth is still really weird to me. Then with a flick of his wrist, Ichabod conceals the decaying human skull in his coat and they abscond into the afternoon.
Unfortunately, Jenny has worse luck. She successfully retrieved the guns but we all forgot the Exposition Library is on police property. Sheriff Reyes takes a hard line on escaped psychiatric patients breaking into the police station with a duffel bag of weapons. Jenny is promptly arrested. God, what a buzzkill.
Sheriff Killjoy”s rampage continue when Ichabod and Abbie return. Jenny takes the fall for having the guns so Abbie doesn”t have to explain to her superior officer why she was arming a mental patient. Reyes can”t figure out why Captain Irving was employing a historian with a penchant for period clothing. Crane just lost his only means of monetary employment. At least Reyes has the wherewithal to apologized to Abbie for her earlier insensitive comment on “bringing sanity” back to Sleepy Hollow.
Look, Sheriff Reyes isn”t a bad person. She”s worse. She”s a good person who is ignorant. You can bribe a bad person to look the other way. Good people try to be all noble and follow the rules and get everyone killed. Ugh.
Back in prison, Irving is taking a lie detector test. This a really nice parallel from Season One when Ichabod was forced to take one. Oh, how the tables have turned. Now Irving is talking about demons and murders and confessing because he felt responsible for those people”s deaths. And Sheriff Reyes is the one scoffing, saying it”s easy to trick a lie detector if you know how. But no matter. Irving is getting his transfer to Terrytown.
Under the city, Crane and Mills are looking for the Kindred in the old tunnels, but they”re totally lost. Abbie makes a crack about men and not asking for directions and for her terrible, outdated joke, she is rewarded with a bunch of bats and a Purgatory PTSD moment. Ichabod senses something is amiss and feels like an ass – as he should – for not asking earlier what happened to her in Purgatory. Abbie confesses NegaCrane showed up in her moment of weakness, right as insanity was about to take hold. Which means her faith in Crane is her biggest weakness. Um, okay? She then points out Crane”s biggest weakness is either Katrina or Henry. The former because of obvious reasons and the latter because failing at parenting guilt is real.
But before they can really get into it about why Ichabod is hesitant to go hard after the Horseman of War, they discover the secret hiding spot of the Kindred. Luigi Giovanni”s family crest marks the spot. What? Obviously, the thing is booby-trapped with electricity because Luigi invented the battery. There are some folks in ancient Baghdad who will be very surprised to hear that.
After making sure it”s safe…hahaha just kidding…after setting off the first deadly trap, they go right back in and start pushing buttons. Ominous gears grind behind the scenes and the wall spits out a coffin. Worst. Gum ball machine. Ever. They pop the top and inside is the magically preserved body of the Kindred. “Franklinstein”s monster,” jokes Abbie, forty minutes after I did. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, GAWD.
Back in the carriage house, Katrina has been granted “walking about” privileges instead of being tied to a chair. Which begs the question, “What the actual hell are you still doing here, Katrina?” No fireballs, no strangulation via vines, no lightning, no ice powers. Instead of booking it, she clumsily eavesdrops on a conversation between Henry and Headless about the return of Moloch. A conversation about how Henry knows Ichabod and Abbie are coming to save Katrina, and how they will fail. A conversation that is obviously meant to be overheard if they were having it five feet away from their prisoner.
Literally the most useless witch of her age, you guys.
Ah, man. We missed the hilarity of Crane and Mills trying to wrestle the emaciated corpse of the Kindred out of the underground tunnels and to…wherever we are. They also glossed over the part where they had to decapitate the corpse to put Headless”s skull on it.
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? They are performing the Kindred awakening ritual within line of sight of the Van Brunt carriage house. They brought Abraham”s head within spitting distance of his body without first attaching it to the creature meant to destroy him. Guys? Guys, seriously? You”re better than this.
Okay, here we go. Abraham reties Katrina to the chair and she just let”s him. This ‘perfect prisoner” schtick is getting old fast. Henry is using a fountain pen to summon his suit of armor? Ichabod is reciting the incantation to bring the Kindred to life. He screws it up because his diction is off and magic spells are more finicky about pronunciation than voice dictation software. Katrina stalls for time, and tells Abraham that he blew his chance with her by pushing the wedding. He pushed her straight into Ichabod”s arms and turned her escape route into her husband. If only Headless had been patient, none of this would”ve happened.
During Katrina”s confession, it has gone from twilight outside to the middle of the night. Complete with spooky ground lightning. Second time is the charm and the Kindred is up and moving, in all his zombie glory. And just in time. HEADLESS attacks! It”s a battle of apocalyptic colossi. That”s gotta be weird for Abraham, right? To see another guy attacking him with his own face?
Ichabod makes a beeline for his wife. Finally, she is free! Well, she”s free from the ties that bind her, but nothing on God”s green Earth can save her from her own stupidity. Instead of fleeing into the night like a sane person, she pleads with Ichabod to leave her behind. If she runs, Headless will only chase her down again. And it”s not like she can cast a spell of hiding or anything on herself. Instead, she”s going to convince Abraham he has a chance in hell if he just plays it right. But really she”ll be a mole, gathering intel on Moloch”s plan…and trying to bring her and Ichabod”s son back to the side of good.
Brutal honesty time. Katrina is an idiot.
Things are not going well for the Horseman of Death. The Kindred has him on the ropes. A new challenger appears! Henry astral projects himself into the War armor Moloch gave him and comes to Headless”s aid. But Abbie is having none of that shit, and breaks out the shotgun. Unfortunately, shotguns don”t do a damn thing against unholy constructs. War charges her on his horse and either that horse is bulletproof or Abbie can”t bring herself to shoot an animal. But no matter! The Kindred has a horse too! Where did it come from? Who cares!? HORSE BATTLE!
Ichabod and Katrina share a candlelight kiss. Abbie bursts in and is like “Let”s gooooo!” and Crane and Mills run off, leaving Katrina to her self-made doom. No one is more surprised – and pleased – to see Katrina still in the carriage house than Headless. This is such a bad idea, you guys.
Back at Cabin Control, Ichabod is musing on the pitfalls of fighting monsters with monsters. He says maybe the shouldn”t stoop to Evil”s level but wow, the cat is out of the bag there. Oh, and the Kindred is missing. So great job all around, guys.
As things wind down, Abbie goes to see Jenny to say they”ve got to play it by the book. Reyes isn”t messing around. Jenny quips that Abbie better not leave her to rot for another seven years, so I guess she”s headed back to Terrytown.
Which is where Captain Irving is, futilely trying to free himself from his bed restraints. Sheriff Reyes appears, but before she can question him…a wild Henry materializes in a snappy suit. He is Irving”s new lawyer, hired by Mrs. Irving, which you can file under “Things that make you go ‘Hmmmmm”.” The Horseman of War serves Sheriff Reyes with paperwork to basically keep her from torturing information out of Irving and she storms off in a huff.
Of course, that”s when Henry uses the fountain pen from earlier to prick the Captain”s finger like a modern day Sleeping Beauty. Only instead of falling into an eternal slumber, it only means Irving just signed paperwork – probably from Moloch – in his own blood. THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS READ FIRST!
Well, what did you guys think? Is Katrina doomed? What did Captain Irving sign? Will him and Jenny spring themselves from Terrytown? And what”s the deal with Abbie and Jenny”s mom?