Tonight’s episode is really just ABC’s attempt to milk a little more ratings juice out of this season of “The Bachelor,” though it does promise a welcome dose of drama. Courtney, aka Widdle Baybee Cowdney, the creepily childlike black widow who has somehow ended up in the final two, will be facing the rest of the women she shoved out of the way in her merciless pursuit of Ben. While these “Women Tell All” episodes can get catty, this is the first one I can think of that might actually end in gunplay. Although this season also featured the most milquetoast and homely bachelor in recent memory (and possibly ever), a lot of women seemed to dig him, and their resentment toward Courtney for being a two-faced monster is palpable. If nothing else, I’m expecting screaming and insults, and we’ll see how it goes from there.
But before we can get to the Courtney face off, we have to kill some time (this is a two hour Very Special Opportunity to Sell Advertising, of course). First, we take a look at a recent “Bachelor/Bachelorette” reunion party in Las Vegas. Have you ever been to a party where you suspected that, given the hormonally revved up guests and the large quantity of alcohol being consumed, the whole thing was just a few drinks removed from turning into an orgy? Well, that’s a “Bachelor/ette” reunion party for you. Hey, if you can’t find love, you can always find sex, people! We see a lot of familiar faces, all of whom assure us they’ve had great, healthy relationships that for some mysterious reasons have gone south, but they’re open to finding love! Possibly on the third season of “Bachelor Pad,” which we all know is most conducive to romance, what with the non-stop pool parties and bottomless margaritas. The only person of note was Ryan P., the solar energy entrepreneur whom Ashley crushed under her heel. He’s still looking for love, and apparently a lot of women are looking for love from him, as he doesn’t quite seem like the lovelorn guy we remember from “The Bachelorette.” But he seems to think he, too, can meet Ms. Right on “Bachelor Pad,” which makes me think we all may have overestimated Ryan P.
Finally, it’s time to get things started. The ladies — Amber T, Momica, Jamie, Samantha, Jaclyn, Erika, Brittney, Elyse, Jenna, Jennifer, Rachel, Casey S, Blakeley, Emily, Nicki and Kasie B. — are ready to throw down. Before the show has hardly started, Blakeley chirps that she wasn’t there to make friends. We KNOW, Crazypants.
While we review a few memorable moments from the season (everyone calling Blakeley a stripper, Brittney leaving, blah blah blah), it isn’t long before things get nasty. Samantha, whom I hardly remember, wants to talk. And talk. And talk. She thinks Blakeley’s a bitch and a bully, which draws everyone into a fight. Jamie, trying to play the peacemaker, thinks everyone was mean! Samantha is NOT buying it. Somehow Brittney and Samantha get into it because Samantha is convinced she quit the show because Blakeley was mean to her, which inspires Brittney to call her a chihuahua that won’t shut up. The show is thisclose to going COMPLETELY off the rails, which sounds good to me but Chris Harrison looks like he’s about to cry.
Now it’s time for the major players to take turns in the hot seat. Shawntell is up first. Amazingly, everyone tries to make nice after Shawntell says all the slams on her looks and chubby thighs made her sad. Elyse is sorry for being mean! So is Rachel! Erika says her thighs are big, too!
Then, Emily takes the hot seat. Her dress is hugely unflattering, as it seems like her breasts live in separate zip codes, but she’s still cute as a button. Emily may be cute as a button, but she is NOT letting go of her Courtney hatred. At the end of the day, she’s glad she got eliminated, as she would not want to fall for someone who’d like Courtney. Zing! And if he chooses her, he’s made his bed and he can lie in it. Zing, zing! I hope she’s the next Bachelorette. She can rap to all her potential suitors.
Nicki and Kacie B. take their turns on stage. They’re nice, they’re sad, but they’re getting over Ben. Moving on.
Now Chris Harrison invites the ladies get to complain about Courtney. Monica calls her vapid and manipulative. Samantha says Courtney is in it to win it. Blakeley never said anything nasty about Courtney but the bitch called her a stripper! Blakeley is REALLY hung up on people thinking she’s a stripper. I would argue part of the reason people think that is her make-up, but whatever. Nicki thinks Courtney lied to Ben about how hard she tried with the girls. But Casey S. thinks she’s sweet! The other girls think Casey S. is an idiot.
Yay! It’s FINALLY time for Widdle Baybee Cowdney to take the stage! She’s scawed! She has regrets. She would have done things differently! If she had known the tabloids would be mean to her! Yes, it’s pretty clear Courtney isn’t on the show to make amends — she just wants In Touch and Us Weekly to stop printing mean things about her. No one’s buying this, are they?
Short answer? No, they aren’t. The girls all pounce. Why was she so mean? Why should they believe her? Why didn’t she accept Emily’s apology? Courtney blubbers that she was just trying to keep her head above water! Apparently she can prevent herself from sinking by choosing extremely buoyant insults!
She wishes they’d had a chance to get to know her! She’s sorry! It’s been so hard on her family! She fake cries. Ah, that’s the other reason she’s on the show — she’s upset that all this bad publicity is hurting her friends and family. I’m still not convinced Courtney gives a crap about having been nasty to the other girls on the show. I am wondering if she can use her appearance on “The Bachelor” to become one of Charlie Sheen’s goddesses, as she was so awfully fond of saying “Winning!” at every opportunity.
Finally, Courtney hustles out the door, hops in a limo and flees while the women call her things that have to be bleeped back in the studio. Yeah, I wasn’t convinced, either.
One more guest, though he’s something of a letdown after Courtney – Ben. Jennifer is mad that he picked Blakeley over her, but Ben assures her he never compared the girls. Uh-huh. Since he’s handing out explanations as to why some of the girls got eliminated, Emily has to ask if she was sent home because she bashed Courtney (well, yes). Ben admits that he feels bad for how he dumped Casey S., and Jamie reveals that, should he find himself free, she’s still interested. Ben seems like a nice guy, but I almost feel like these ladies have Stockholm Syndrome from having been locked up in very nice hotels without sufficient contact with the outside world, because come on, look at him. Doofus could be written across his forehead and it couldn’t be any clearer, ladies.
Anyway, we get a look at next week’s Very Controversial Finale, which probably just means he picks Courtney. That’s what we’re all kind of expecting anyway. But I guess calling it a Very Predictable Finale doesn’t exactly draw in the viewers.
Do you think Courtney was convincing? Were you surprised by anything the ladies said? Do you think Samantha is a chihuahua?