The thing about love is that, when it’s happening to you, all you’ve ever heard about love becomes not just real, but vividly so. The sky is bluer, the trees are greener, Disney creatures pop up and dance around you like you’re in the “500 Days of Summer” dance number. And so, it’s no surprise that every tired cliche sounds REALLY insightful. If you, however, are simply watching people fall in love, unless said people are wildly inventive or naturally funny or somehow insightful in a way the average person isn’t (these types of people, on the rare occasion they end up on “The Bachelorette,” don’t tend to make it to the finals), they tend to say the same stuff over and over and over again. Thus, it’s not surprising that some people consider the repetitive nature of “The Bachelorette” a little tedious. However, those very elements are the perfect stuff for a drinking game. In two hours, you can get absolutely hammered. So, let’s dive in!
With only three fellas left, Emily has some hard decisions to make. The good news? She gets to make these hard decisions in really fabulous settings. It’s like getting your taxes done at the beach, or maybe intrusive medical procedures at the Eiffel Tower. Emily kicks things off with a beachside outing in Watamula, Curacao with Sean. Sean is, from what I can tell, a good guy, plain and simple. He’s tall, hearty and looks like he could be on the wrapper of a roll of paper towels. Emily’s concern with Sean is that he hasn’t told her he loves her. She fears he’s protecting himself. In short, Sean better be willing to put out (emotionally, hello, get your mind out of the gutter).
At first, Emily isn’t sold. Sean is so excited to spend time with her! But Emily is looking for the L word, so, she sticks him in a helicopter. As we all know, helicopters are “The Bachelorette” way of making a love connection happen. When you see a helicopter, drink!
Anyway, Emily and Sean are going to hang out on an island together. Emily wants to know why Sean’s last girlfriends were more like buddies than significant others. Sean’s explanation seems straightforward enough — he loved his last serious girlfriend but wasn’t In Love with her — but Emily seems concerned. He hides his feelings! He’s hard to read! So, that means it’s time to snorkel. It’s always easier to share your feelings after you’ve snorkeled! What follows snorkeling is a romantic evening at the beach. Sean isn’t wowing Emily (or me, really) with his small talk — that is, until he tells her he has a letter for Ricki he’d like to read her. Zing! If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to Emily’s heart is through her uterus. Sean’s letter is pretty great, though. It’s all about how much he already loves Ricki, how much he loves Emily, and how he can’t wait for the three of them to be a family together. It’s heartfelt and it gives Sean an opportunity to tell Emily what he’s really feeling. It’s pretty damn brills, really.
Time for the fantasy suite option! Of course, Sean would love to spend the night with Emily, but understands if she thinks it’s not a great idea. Emily appreciates his tact. She’s not getting jiggy with Sean, as she wants Ricki to know that her mom is not a mattressback. Still, she’d like to get jiggy with Sean. Every fiber in her whole entire body is saying, just stay the night! But every fiber in her head is saying no! I think Emily needs not only a biology lesson but an understanding of math, but I get what she’s saying. In any case, she listens to her whole body fibers and sends Sean home without jumping his bones. Sean feels good about the evening. He’s gonna marry that girl (drink!)!
Emily meets Jef on Kalki Beach. They get their own boat, which is totally almost as good as a helicopter! Emily worries that Jef’s family didn’t love her. But they did! Really, has anyone on this franchise ever come back from a family visit and said, yeah, I love you, but my mom thinks you’re trashy? Jef and Emily wonder at how well they balance one another. She’ll keep him out of trouble, and he’ll get her into trouble! Yes, that’s exactly what Bonnie and Clyde said!
Over dinner, Jef has questions for Emily. Where will they live (someplace new, as she doesn’t seem too thrilled about Salt Lake City). Then, Jef asks why she hasn’t found the right guy yet. Yeah, what’s wrong with you, Emily? For some reason, Emily doesn’t find this vaguely insulting and tells Jef he makes her feel self-confident. Jef tells her he hasn’t found the right girl yet, either (duh) and he’s crazy about her. What’s with everyone being crazy? Anyway, Jef and Emily kiss. Emily’s clearly a little more taken with Jef than Sean, but I think it would be hard to reject Sean after that letter he wrote. Jef asks Emily if she thinks he’d be a good dad to Ricki, and she says that he would. But where Jef really gets points with Emily is when the fantasy suite option comes up. He says he’d love to, but if Ricki’s watching and his family is watching, he’d prefer neither he nor Emily look skanky on national television. Emily is impressed. I’m shocked. That decision may be even better than Sean’s letter, I have to admit.
Next, it’s off to Spanish Water Bay with Arie. They’re going to be swimming with dolphins, which gives Emily an opportunity to be girly and vewy scawed and gives Arie a chance to be all big and manly and protector-y. Emily loves kissing Arie. She loves touching Arie. She thinks Arie is SO cute. Basically, I think Emily doesn’t really pay much attention to anything Arie says because she can’t stop thinking about sucking on his face. If she were paying attention, she might be picking up on big, red flags. When Arie isn’t working, he gets up at 9 and eats out every single meal (sounds good to me, but not exactly the life of a family man). He loves that Emily puts him first and lets him be the man (eeeek!). He loves that about her! I think all Emily is hearing is like something out of one of those Peanuts cartoons: waaaah wash waaaaaaah, kiss, waaaaaaah wah. Arie is, admittedly, super cute and seems nice enough, but I have to wonder if he’s ready to become an instadad. Still, he says he is.
Emily decides not to offer Arie the fantasy suite option. She says this is because she doesn’t trust herself. She wants to jump his bones sooooo badly, if he gives her even a flicker of interest, she’ll break all of her own rules. Emily likes Arie a lot. I’m not entirely sure she isn’t objectifying Arie, but she’s sure he’s nice, too.
At long last, Chris Harrison drops by. Emily is sad! She only has two roses left! Someone is going HOME! She has no clarity about her decision, and she’s sad! Chris Harrison has never seen her so emotional! Can she elaborate on exactly how her heart is being ripped apart, and then tilt her head toward the cameras while she’s doing it? Oh, and the crying is great stuff, too! Poor Emily. She does seem truly distraught, and I can’t blame her. Sean is great, Jef is great and Arie is smoking hot. What’s a girl to do?
The final three leave video messages for Emily, since this is a two hour show and filler is necessary. Jef’s message is not only well-written, but he could have a career as a TV announcer. Sean gives a sincere speech, but Emily seems unmoved. And Arie is hot. He digs kissing her. Oh, and he loves her, too. Actually, everyone loves her. Not saying “I love you” at this point is just plumb stupid, really.
Emily cries and stresses out for a long time, which is edited down to twenty minutes, give or take commercial breaks. So, you know, about five minutes. But Emily is worried she’s made the wrong choice.
Jef gets the first rose, and Arie gets the second. Sean looks like he shrank a little when Emily delivered the death knell. She leads him off-screen and then cries like a baby. In the limo on the way home, Sean talks about the future he saw with Emily and how it feels for that future to be stolen away. The sad part is that I think Sean was probably great husband material for Emily, but he seemed to be a little too much of a straight shooter for a TV show like this one. Jef’s a little slicker, and, as we know, Emily’s knees get weak when she looks at Arie. I’m not saying they aren’t nice guys, but I can’t say I see a Bachelorette wedding springing from this show.
What do you think of the final two? Are the finalists ready for marriage and instant fatherhood? Are you looking forward to next week’s return of the rejects?