Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ – ‘Whine Bar’

12.04.11 6 years ago


Although I keep thinking Kim is going to squeeze out a kid any episode now, as she not only seems desperate to get the baby out but I’ve grown tired of watching her flopped on her bed like a dying largemouth bass groaning and demanding fizzy water, it is not to be this week. Instead, we’re treated to more Cynthia drama. With Cynthia, it’s not really drama as much as it is passive-aggressive repression and bad decision making, but sometimes that can be more interesting than Sheree trying to yank out some girl’s weave, so that’s just fine. 

Phaedra brings Kandi an apology cake. Why, you ask? For upsetting Kandi’s mother, of course. I want Phaedra as a friend, because she brings gifts for every perceived slight, and who doesn’t love cake? Even a lopsided monstrosity like this one. Did she actually make it herself? That Phaedra can do anything, I swear. I just hope she wasn’t handling any dead people immediately before hitting the kitchen. Just a thought. In any case, Phaedra and Kandi stuff themselves with cake and discuss Kandi’s mom (who isn’t returning Kandi’s calls) and NeNe. As Phaedra so delicately puts it, she once showed her cervix for a quarter, so dissing RiDICKulous was a little silly. I’m with Phaedra on this count. NeNe’s big show of being deeply offended by a male stripper last week would be a lot more convincing if NeNe hadn’t once done lapdances for a living. She knows we know about that, right?

Elsewhere, Cynthia is going to MC a fashion show at the International Interior Design Show. What fashion has to do with interior design, I don’t know. Maybe you can use the clothes as dust rags or chandeliers after wearing them or something. Anyway, Cynthia is so excited to have Sheree, Phaedra and Apollo in the audience so they can see her in her element! Apparently her element is stumbling and wrong-headed, because Cynthia bluntly sucks at the MC job. Maybe no one noticed because they were looking for bushes to vomit into after seeing the clothes. Cynthia says “fashion-forward,” I say “made by blind monkeys.” There’s a guy wearing a latex vest and no pants and another guy with what looks like a flattened cereal box over his crotch. 

Anyway, the important part of this debacle is that at the party afterwards, Marlo and Charles show up. They’re a power couple, Charles plays for the NFL, blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that Phaedra claims that NeNe screwed around with Charles while she was married. Marlo and Charles don’t have much to say right now, but don’t worry — they’ll be back. 

Cynthia, her mom Barbara and sister Malorie go to Cynthia’s office at the modeling agency. Malorie is either a little unstable or a terrible actress, because she looks like she’s fixing for a fight before anyone sits down, much less speaks. Of course, Cynthia and Malorie bicker. They bicker about how much Malorie is going to help with the agency, they bicker about who says nastier things about the other’s marriage, and they’d probably bicker about who loves Mom more except that Barbara makes them stop. But because having these two sit quietly and behave themselves is crappy TV, Cynthia drops the bomb — she might possibly maybe sorta give Peter some money to help him out since one investor gave him a $40,000 bum check. Malorie starts crying. Don’t go broke again, Cynthia! Did Malorie have to put her up or something? She seems awfully upset about this. Cynthia assures her sister she’s a big girl and she has to support her husband, doesn’t she? No, no she doesn’t, especially after the Uptown fiasco. But that’s Cynthia!

Sheree plays soccer with her kids Kairo and Kaleigh so that her ex-husband Bob can show up. Bob has not paid child support in four years. Sheree, not unreasonably, thinks this is bull given that the guy used to be an Atlanta Falcon. But his response is that he ain’t paying  her nothing, so she throws a bottle of water on him and tells him she’ll take him to court. Except she doesn’t want her kids’ husband to be stuck in jail. Make up your damn mind, Sheree. 

This is a very Kim-light week, which is fine by me. She waddles up to Brielle’s bedroom for some mother-to-daughter bonding. Brielle pokes her in the stomach. Brielle is worried. She doesn’t want Kim to lose interest in her and her sister after the baby is born. Kim promises she won’t, then grosses Brielle out by talking about breast feeding. 

NeNe comes to visit Peter’s bar. She will be co-hosting the sneak preview, which is great because, as Cynthia says, she’s a HUGE celebrity. She was on “Celebrity Apprentice,” she she must be, right? NeNe notices the bar smells funny. Eww. Peter isn’t really ready for his soft opening, but he wants to give the movers and shakers a taste of his bar. And a sniff of it, apparently. After NeNe leaves, Cynthia tells Peter she’ll, against her better judgment, give him money if he needs it. Peter tells her he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t want her damn sister in his business, and he knows she can’t shut up. Wow, that’s what I call gratitude. Does anyone else have a bet on when this marriage ends? I give it two years, tops, and that’s only because Cynthia is such a patsy. Anyway, Peter’s beyond thrilled that Mal won’t be coming to the soft opening. I’m waiting for the episode where Peter TPs Mal’s house or sends her a pipe bomb, honestly. 

Phaedra gets a visit from Sheree, who, as we know, needs a lawyer. Phaedra thinks Sheree is stupid for waiting four years to bring up the child support issue, but she’s ready to take care of business. She tells Sheree she can file a motion and ask that Bill be incarcerated until he coughs up the money. Sheree starts crying. Then Phaedra starts thinking about her son and she starts crying. Sheree isn’t ready to commit to a lawsuit, though. She is going to think about it. Do it, Sheree! 

Unable to get the crazy old bat to return her calls, Kandi goes to visit Joyce. Joyce won’t hug Kandi. She had to get her hair fixed because she was so upset by the stripper! Kandi wonders how she’ll feel about her adult toy line. She hasn’t told her? Oh, Kandi, consider yourself disowned. If this woman can’t get past a damn stripper, she’s going to feel REALLY disrespected by a shipment of dildos. Kandi grovels, she explains, she does everything short of ripping out a kidney and plopping it on the kitchen table to make her mother forgive her, and Joyce will not budge. She was disrespected! By a surprise gift Kandi didn’t know she was getting! And Joyce apparently didn’t have two working legs that allowed her to leave as soon as the guy came in! Oh, wait, she did. Kandi cries a little. Joyce tells her she’s her homegirl but she’s still her mama and she was DISRESPECTED. Joyce glowers. What is wrong with this woman? 

At Peter’s soft opening, they’re still moving furniture and the air conditioning isn’t working. More importantly, Bar One is apparently located in the ghetto. Like, don’t park your car on the street unless you want to come back to find it on blocks ghetto. Amazingly, Marlo and Charles show up — but NeNe doesn’t. With the shindig about to wrap up, Peter is forced to unveil a wall-size picture of Cynthia without his co-host.

With NeNe showing no signs of making it to the party, the girls interrogate Charles, who says he went out with NeNe once and he was turned off by her extreme self-involvement. Charles seems like a pretty bright guy. Amazingly, NeNe shows up just as everyone’s thinking about leaving, circulates through the room quickly, refuses to say hello to Charles, Marlo or Sheree, and then calls it a night. Cynthia and Peter just smile as if this is the most perfectly normal thing for a person to do when they’re co-hosting a party. Phaedra says Cynthia loves NeNe like a fat kid loves cake. I think Cynthia believes her friendship with NeNe is going to have a much bigger payoff for her and Peter than it really is. But then, maybe everyone in Atlanta watched “Celebrity Apprentice.”

What do you think really happened between Charles and NeNe? Do you think Sheree deserves child support? And do you think Joyce needs to just forgive Kandi and get over herself? 

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