Last week was all about Brandi, the feisty new addition to the housewives. This week is apparently all about Dana, who almost makes Brandi look classy in comparison. Not possible? Oh, sadly, it is.
Kyle and Taylor go to Dana’s for lunch. Dana answers the door dressed like Porn Star Vegas Barbie (if Mattel hasn’t made it yet, give it time). But wait! She’s trying on WEDDING DRESSES. Yes, Dana is apparently considering dressing like a high-priced Vegas hooker for her wedding. If we haven’t already guessed it, Dana is all class. Kyle, of course, has guessed it. “There are two boobs and a tiara staring me in the face,” she later says with exactly the right amount of bemused disgust.
Gosh, Dana feels SO terrible that her wedding dress hunt is overlapping with the lunch she had planned! Hey, guys, look at ALL MY FABULOUS DRESSES AND THE $40,000 EARRINGS I MIGHT BUY! I HAVE LOTS OF MONEY, BITCHES! I’m not nouveau riche trash AT ALL! What’s impressive is that Dana doesn’t have the good sense to be embarrassed by her exceedingly tacky behavior. Taylor and Kyle awkwardly go into the dining room to wait for Dana. On the way, they see that Dana has placed her son’s MODELING HEADSHOTS on the entry table. Kyle laughs, and I can’t blame her.
Later, Dana enters bubbling over with fake apologies, so Kyle and Taylor attempt to make polite conversation with Trashy McFlashypants. But we can’t just move on from the wedding dress fiasco and hope that Dana is just having a bridezilla moment. No, she has to be fake surprised that Kyle has her son’s modeling postcard! Wow, that was so not completely intentional! But since we’re talking about the little gumdrop, Dana would like to mention that HE IS A BABY FRIGGIN’ GENIUS! HE SPEAKS THAI! HE READS! HE’S JUST 18 MONTHS OLD! What I want to know is whether or not he’s potty trained. THEN I’ll be impressed. And hey, Trashy? Just because your kid is babbling something that sounds like he’s reading a Thai food menu doesn’t mean he’s actually speaking Thai. And if he has half of your genetic make-up, I’m inclined to think he’s got an IQ of about 80 at best. You’ll be lucky if he’s not wearing diapers at 25.
Kyle promptly makes fun of Dana, describing how her kid walked out of the womb and has a black belt. Dana seems completely thrown by the idea that her INSANE account of her super genius kid has not resulted in oohs and aahs of awe and appreciation. I’m just impressed Kyle didn’t drag Trashy into the nearest restroom and waterboard her, because man, I’d be tempted.
Meanwhile, Lisa is at her restaurant when her friend Bette, a talent agent, stops in and asks Lisa if she’s be a commentator for the royal wedding. Because, you know, she’s like, British and stuff. That’s good enough for Lisa. She’ll take the gig!
In other important news, Adrienne’s dog Jackpot likes to crap in Paul’s closet. Oh, and she’s planning a barbecue.
Next, Taylor meets Brandi for a drink. I’d rather Taylor met Brandi for a milkshake, but hey, at least Taylor is taking in some calories. Brandi and Taylor need to bond, because they’ve both been down the crap marriage path. Eddie Cibrian cheated on Brandi throughout their entire marriage, and she only found out he was messing around with LeAnn Rimes when she saw it on the cover of a magazine. Brandi knows that Taylor feels her pain, because she’s obviously on the Divorce Diet — you eat constantly and yet waste away. I think the Divorce Diet only works if you actually live in Beverly Hills. Otherwise, you just get fat and wear sweatpants.
Kim dusts all the photos in her house and bores her housekeeper with stories about her kids when they were little. Hey, Kim, you have a housekeeper. LET HER CLEAN. She’ll probably just be grateful if you stop talking to her, because she looks like she wants to kill herself listening to you. Kim says she’s taking some Kim time. I think Kim has been hitting the bottle, honestly.
Kyle and Mauricio meet Lisa and Ken for dinner. Kyle talks about how full of crap Dana is. And then the topic of Taylor comes up. Kyle and Lisa awkwardly dance around the topic, but here’s the subtext —
Kyle: Stop being mean to my friend!
Lisa: But you’re MY friend and I don’t like to share. And you used to call me all the time and now you talk to that anorexic dimbulb and I’m jealous!
Kyle: Why can’t we all just get along? Even though I do love that you guys are fighting over me!
Anyway, it’s soon time for Adrienne’s super fabulous barbecue, completely with a jumpy inflatable thing and expensive chefs preparing hot dogs. Kyle, Brandi, Camille and Taylor show up, and Brandi and Camille quickly bond over the heartbreak of awful ex-husbands who leave you with lots of money.
Dana arrives and starts prattling on about her ridiculous $25,000 sunglasses. Kyle thinks spending that much on sunglasses is asinine. Camille says that people with a lot of money tend not to brag about it. I think Dana doesn’t realize how stupid she looks. And you know what? Twenty-five thousand dollar sunglasses look about the same as $50 sunglasses. So, I guess that’s why you have to tell people how much they’re worth — otherwise, they’d NEVER KNOW.
Lisa is getting ready for her big CNN gig, so she asks her son to help her with her hair extensions while she’s wearing nothing but a towel. Um, this seems odd for so many reasons. Adrienne thinks the idea that Lisa is commenting on the royal wedding is odd, period, because this is the same woman who came to her house and let her little dog drink out of her good crystal. I can’t really argue with Adrienne on this point.
Despite the fact her son essentially glued fake hair to her head while staring everywhere but at her, Lisa arrives at CNN not looking like a car wreck, Giggy in her arms. Lisa bumps into Dr. Drew and asks him to tweet about her commenting gig. Dr. Drew graciously agrees, although I think he’s probably wishing he could teleport himself elsewhere at that moment.
Back at Adriennes, everyone seems to be having fun until Brandi’s son gets out of the pool, takes off his clothes and PEES on the grass. Brandi laughs. Kyle tries not to throw up.
Fortunately, Kyle has other things to think about. Kim is a no-show. Embarrassed, Kyle calls Kim at home to see if she’s on her way. Of course she’s not! Kim’s getting hammered or high or whatever she’s doing. Kim mutters strange and nonsensical things that, when pasted together, boil down to her feeling weird going to a barbecue without kids, even though she’s all dressed and ready to go. But she’s not going. Really, I’d rather Kim stay at home if there’s any chance of her getting out on the road when she’s clearly shnockered.
Dana’s genius son throws stuff in the kiddy pool and acts spastic. AND I see a diaper! Wow, impressive kid she’s got there! I’m SURE he’s a baby genius!
Lisa does her segment. It’s fine. It turns out any trained monkey could have answered the questions they lobbed at her, so all’s well! And Giggy slept through it. I think someone may want to check on Giggy with some frequency, because I’m not sure anyone will notice if he’s actually dead until he stiffens up and becomes hard to dress.
The gals at Adrienne’s chatter. Trashy McFlashypants is getting married! IN A CASTLE OUTSIDE OF PARIS! Camille pretends to be impressed when she’s actually cackling on the inside. Dana has absolutely no clue that everyone thinks she’s a joke.
After a few more glasses of wine (I hope), the girls start talking about boys. Camille says big hands, big feet, big disappointment. She was married to that, by the way. Ew, something else I didn’t want to know about Kelsey Grammer, not that I don’t blame her for advertising it all over basic cable. Kyle pretends to not know what this means. When did Kyle become a meek little schoolgirl? Anyway, Brandi helps her out and explains that Camille is talking about cock. Kyle squirms like she’s had to pet a diseased tree frog.
Brandi, realizing she’s stuck her foot in it, decides to dive head first into embarrassing herself by announcing she’s not a super slut, even if they think she is. Everyone says that OF COURSE they don’t think she’s a super slut! They hardly know her! But now, yes, secretly they really think she’s a super slut. Oh, Brandi!
Brandi even goes so far as to offend Trashy, who you’d think would be impervious to criticism of any kind. When Trashy jokes that she has no idea where her investment banker fiance goes to when he travels, Brandi helpfully suggests he’s out screwing around. Dana quickly tells us EXACTLY where he’s going. She is not amused. Brandi protests that she is who she is, get used to it. She’s just balls to the wall! Ah, Brandi, you’re going to fit in just fine! Not!
Do you think Brandi and Dana are good additions to the cast? What did you think of Lisa’s commentator gig? And do you think Kim has a problem?