What do you MEAN this is the season finale? Finale means end, as in to finish, as in to die. And that’s just silly because vampires can’t die unless there’s the sun, and UNLESS I am MISTAKEN, it is currently 9 p.m. in the EVENING. That’s called airtight logic. BOOYAH. For the next hour I shall be in high denial. Join me, will you?
[Recap of Sunday (Sept. 13) night’s “True Blood” finale after the break…]
We open with that weird mega-egg that Tara and Eggs and Lafayette have been guarding on the top floor of Mary-Ann’s House o’ Good Times n’ Giant Omelets. (Breakfast and hearts served all day.) Lafayette orders a trapped Sookie to get nekkid and put on a white dress. Sacrifices always have to wear white, you understand. Or maybe not. The orgy crowd presents Sookie to Mary-Ann, who is wearing Gran’s wedding dress, and who says Sookie is to be her “maid of honor.”
Everybody has black eyes. Sookie is unbowed and vows that whatever is about to go down is SO NOT gonna go down. Mary-Ann clears the room of orgyists to face Sookie alone. Mary-Ann wants Sookie to work that weird electricity power again, you know, for fun. Sookie can’t at this time. She can just hit. Still, something is funky about Sookie, because Mary-Ann can’t make Sookie’s eyes go black. Never mind. Mary-Ann is still determined to kill Shape Shiftin’ Sam and marry her horny god. So EVIL Mary-Ann is, and not just because she hasn’t started her gift registry yet. She also wants to use Sookie to draw out Sam.
“The moment he knows where you are, he’ll come running like a dog, maybe even AS a dog,” Mary-Ann predicts.
Meanwhile, Hoyt’s mama still has black eyes, too. She’s doing the twist and trying to escape to go see Mary-Ann, but Hoyt has her trussed up so she can’t leave the house. It’s so sad, because all Hoyt’s Mama wants to do is go see that neat God what’s a-comin.
Over at the Vampire Queen’s retro pool party, Eric the Oontz Oontz Euro Vampire Sheriff is getting bored playing Yahtzee. The Queen gossips with Oontz over Vampire Bill and Sookie and their disgusting monogamy. The Queen knows Sookie is weird, too. Oh, a reveal: The Queen herself is making Oontz sell vampire blood. The Queen threatens Oontz to keep his mouth shut. Then she almost does him. But, you know, they’re playing Yahtzee, and that would be rude.
Jason and Bellefleur are Ramboed out, resplendent in bandoliers. They arrive at the House o’ Good Times ready to throw down. Bellefleur has never killed anybody before, which means the writers are either going to kill him off or make him shoot somebody in the face just to make him a man. Jason tells Andy to man up, and the two of them go in. They get grabbed in about four seconds and that’s all it takes for their eyes to go black. Oh well.
Sam Merlotte and Vampire Bill are at the restaurant talking about the maenad problem. Bill’s glaring is in rare form. Then they, too, leave to go save the day.
The giant mystery egg is a also massive buzzkill: It’s just an ostrich egg. Represents fertility. Mary-Ann covers it in blood and makes Sookie lick it. Jason arrives inside all black-eyed. The mock wedding starts. Vampire Bill arrives with Sam the Sweet Vessel What Will Bring the God. Vampire Bill appears to be willing to let Sam die, which means it’s all a trick and the trick shall be revealed.
Mary-Ann tries to make her mad god appear on top of the meat tower, which is soon crowned by a bull mask and the ostrich egg. Sam is brought back onto the scene, all trussed up and ready for sacrificin’. Vampire Bill whispers for Sookie to use her “gift.”
The knife comes out and goes into Sam’s chest. Sam telepaths to Sookie to destroy the meat statue and the egg and she does. That makes Mary-Ann mad, and she tries to kill everybody just to please the mad god. Then Mary-Ann whips out her big claw hands and chases Sookie down. A magical looking white bull appears before Mary-Ann. Is it Sam, playing a trick with his animal powers? Maybe turning into an animal, like, heals you up. The bull gores Mary-Ann with a horn and her black blood runs everywhere. Yep. It’s Sam all right. He turns back into a naked person. Joke’s on you, dead maenad. All the revelers have been freed.
Turns out that Bill let Sam drink his vampire blood to save the shape-shifter on the down-low right after the knifing. Bill looks to be in pretty bad shape. Something tells me he’ll heal. Tara also has a feeling … that this … is not … the end!
Hoyt’s mama is freed from the spell too. She realizes for the first time that Jessica bit her two episodes ago. Hoyt’s mama does not remember provoking the girl. Hoyt still thinks that the stuff Mama said about Daddy isn’t true, but Mama’s guilty look reveals it is. Hoyt says somethin’ real mean: He wishes Jessica had finished her off.
Red-Headed Slacker Waitress is a-skeert about where her chilluns are at. Another lady finds her severed finger in the fallen meat stack. Bellefleur gets his job back.
Out in the woods, Sam is crying and staring at a deer. Vampire Bill comes up and thanks Sam for revealing his gift for the sake of all. The deer is gone after that. It’s probably a person.
Tara is trying to start over with Eggs, but he’s bloody and freaking out. Sookie interrupts them, and Tara apologizes for letting herself get sucked into everything. Sookie goes upstairs to see Bill and asks him to hold her until the sun comes up. It’s very pure.
Next day at Merlotte’s, everybody is gossiping about themselves. Mary-Ann was an alien, she was an agent of the pharmaceutical companies, yadda yadda. Red-Headed Slacker Waitress is with her kids promising to be only a Waitress and a Red-Head in the future and not a Slacker. Teddy brings over toys. Lafayette and everyone else has forgotten what happened. Jason, however, is somehow still convinced he had a hand in whatever cleansing of evil happened the other night.
Sam tells Sookie he is leaving town because he needs a break. Probably has something to do with that deer that shows up randomly and makes him cry. A fancy package arrives for Sookie, a lavender dress from Bill. He wants to take her out that note, according to an accompanying note.
Eggs comes up to Sookie and asks for her help. He can’t remember the terrible things he has done, but he wants to. With Sookie’s powers, he recalls his murderous deeds and runs off.
Over at Vampire Bill’s Bleak House of Dread Desire, Jessica is trying to sneak out when Bill runs into her. Jessica says she hopes Hoyt will take her back. Bill says he is taking Sookie to a French restaurant.
Sam goes to see his foster mom. She asks forgiveness for running off after seeing him turn into a dog. Sam asks for directions to his real mom. His sick foster dad is in the other room and gives Sam a last known address.
Hoyt goes to Jessica’s house, but she’s not there because she’s off seducing and killing a trucker.
Vampire Bill has rented out a whole French restaurant because it’s romantic and he wants to dance with Sookie.
Andy Bellefleur is just walking along outside Merlotte’s when Eggs trots up with a big knife and confesses to murder. Jason Stackhouse shoots Eggs dead, thinking Andy is being threatened. Andy takes the heat for the shooting by taking the gun, wiping off the prints and announcing to a weeping Tara and other restaurant goers that he was the one that done it.
Back at the French restaurant, Bill producers plane tickets to Vermont and a diamond ring and proposes marriage. Sookie orates for a while about how she isn’t sure about anything or what she is and she starts crying and runs off. In the ladies room, she looks at the ring and puts it on and feels better. Before she can come back out, some mysterious unseen attacker creeps up behind Vampire Bill, produces a silver chain and chokes the vampire unconscious with it. When Sookie returns to the restaurant, Bill is gone.
And now, so is this season of True Blood.
What’d you think of finale? Did you cry bloody tears when it ended?