Now taking all bets: Will Vampire Bill prove snoozeworthy this episode or merely boring? Either way, the house wins, addicted viewers like us lose.
[Full recap of Sunday (July 26) night’s “True Blood,” titled “Hard-Hearted Hannah,” after the break…]
We open with two reveals: Erik (1) likes to his human blood donors all unwilling and screamy. Hey, that’s great. And (2) Erik hired Vampire Bill’s maker lady to cause trouble up in the Dallas vampire hotel. That’s nice too. Erik tells the Maker Lady he wants her to exercise her right to lord over Vampire Bill, presumably to screw things up between Sookie and Bill.
Isabel and a dude named Hugo, who is Isabel’s, come to visit Sookie and Bill first, at the Hemophiliac Hilton. Isabel offers Hugo as a companion for Sookie to protect her while she infiltrates the Sunshine Jesus Camp.
Flashback to the flappery 1920s. Vampire Bill and his Maker Lady are posing as Frenchies in some posh joint; Vampire Bill tries to sing and play the piano and succeeds at exactly one of those things. The reveal: In the past, Bill used to do whatever Maker Lady said, including calling himself Guillaume (enchante!), luring dingbat humans into traps, viciously murdering said humans and then robbing them. Maker Lady gets really turned on by all that and likes to git it on in a pool of human blood.
Shape-Shiftin’ Sam and Doe-Shiftin’ Daphne also have just gotten it on — on a pool table, no blood — and Sam finally asks Daphne what scratched her up. Daphne just says she doesn’t remember, which is about as lame as Vampire Bill’s singing. Daphne tells Sam he shouldn’t be ashamed of what he is. For the record, being naked on top of a pool table is a perfectly decent reason to feel shame, but, of course, Daphne is referring to the fact that Sam can turn into a dog. Daphne insists that “people need to know you,” meaning, I guess, reveal his canine nature to the world. That’ll play real well with the Sunshine Jesus Camp people.
Over at Maryann’s brand-new temporary House O’ Good Times, Maryann is having a fit because the hot-water heater is broken and she can’t take a decent shower. The bald guy is massaging her feet but Maryann is still cranky. She sends Eggs and Tara out to find a part to fix the heater. This had better be going somewhere sexy.
It’s a brand-new day at Sunshine Jesus Anti-Vampire Camp! Jason wonders if he is being punished for “something” — perhaps his bathtime romp with Sarah — because he has not been asked to return for crack vampire-hunter training. Jason learns that he is being asked to help build a new platform that will be used to execute vampires. Death by sun and all this. Jason and the jealous brown-haired guy git to talkin’. Jealous Brown-Haired Dude declares that sex outside of marriage or with a dude or with a vampire dude is all gonna send you straight to H-E-L-L. Jason mulls abstinence for all of five seconds.
Hugo and Sookie get to know each other and agree to pose as an engaged couple when they go undercover at Sunshine Jesus Camp. Sookie, because she is Sookie, wants to talk about relationships, and she does with Hugo. Hugo reveals that he is trying to get Isabel to turn him into a vampire. It’s an option that every viewer of this show has thought of. But not Sookie. She now thinks about it.
In Maryann’s hot red car, Eggs and Tara are on the road towards the Land O’ Hot Water Heater Parts. An eerie feeling comes over Eggs, complete with creepy violin music, and he predicts he will see a red barn. He then sees said barn and the violins go nuts. He insists he has been here before. There are blood-stained clothes on the ground and rocks with strange symbols on them and the poor violins can barely handle it.
Welcome to Merlotte’s! The red-headed slacker waitress continues her seduction of Terry. Daphne continues to suck at waitressing. LeFleur continues to pretend he’s still a cop, quizzing Lafayette back in the kitchen about his mystery absence. Lafayette quips he was on a gay cruise.
“You didn’t go on any gay cruise,” LeFleur says. “You would have come back with MORE pizazz, not less!”
When he threatens to lock up Lafayette, the fry cook freaks out and goes all a-tremble, though his eyeliner remains steadfast. Terry comforts Lafayette. The violins return but are muted.
Hoyt is pissed at his mom because his mom cut off his cell phone, because Hoyt is dating Jessica. Hoyt tells his mom Jessica is a vampire, which shuts her up but good. Sam tells Daphne he can’t work because he keeps wanting to git it on. He orders Daphne to doff her clothes forthwith. No harassment suits ensue.
Here’s a shock: Sookie has a tendency to talk too much. She talks and talks as she introduces her fake fiance to the Sunshine Jesus Camp runners. Steven and Sarah show their church to Undercover Sookie.
Oh, hey, looky here! Daphne can turn not only into a doe but also a pig. We would learn more, but Daphne needs to give Sam a blow job instead.
One of Erik’s minions comes to visit Lafayette at work and scare the crap out of him. The minion wants Lafayette to sell V again. She won’t say why.
Apparently Sookie isn’t so undercover; Sookie reads the minds of the Jesus Camp leaders and learns they are onto her. Before she can skitter off a big muscle dude comes in; escape is gonna be tough. Steven insists Sookie see the basement. Then he captures her and Hugo. Vampire Bill can’t go to her because Maker Lady shows up and pins him down in his hotel room.
Back at Casa de Sookie, Eggs and Tara find the place a big ol’ mess.
“This is really freakin’ my shit out,” Eggs reveals. All righty then.
Turns out there’s a massive orgy going on in Sookie’s backyard; Maryann is vibrating by the fire. She doesn’t seem at all put out when she sees Tara’s eyes on her.
Poor Vampire Jessica. No messages on her phone from Hoyt because his momma don’t know nothin’ bout love. But Hoyt surprises Jessica by showing up at the hotel instead. It is so very sweet. And just when Jessica was craving some blood, too.
Jason arrives at the Anti-Vampire chapel, looking for Steve. Instead he finds Sarah and informs her that the vampire execution platform is done. Sarah is crying out of guilt for trapping Sookie, and tells Jason that her husband wants to start a vampire war! Oh no! She’s crying and crying, and so she and Jason have to git it on. There’s no pool of blood or a pool table, so they do it up on the church balcony.
Oh no! Daphne is in league with Maryann! She traps Sam out in the woods and drags him to Maryann’s orgy, which has now sucked in Eggs, Tara, the red-headed slacker watiress and Terry. Maryann puts on a big mask shaped like a bull’s head. Then she takes a knife. Looks like dog is on the menu at this party.
You worried about Sam? You worried about Sookie? You worried about Lafayette?