Welcome to this very special recap of “True Blood”s” season three, episode six — powered by the blue electricity from Sookie Stackhouse”s Southern workin” girl hands.
[Full recap of Sunday’s (July 25) “True Blood” after the break…]
The Roy Orbison Vampire King of Mississippi is thrilled to discover Sookie”s latent abilities, but is none too pleased with Vampire Bill for hiding it from him. Bill tries to off Orbison, but he”s nearly 3,000 years old, so, no dice.
Bill begs Eric Northman to get Sookie out of there, but Eric declines. Talbot, of all people, is outraged at this incivility and spits out his disappointment through his designer fangs.
Compton is ordered out to the Slave Quarters where he will be killed by Lorena. Everybody barks orders and entreaties at everybody else. Eric becomes even sexier than usual when he claps a hand over Sookie”s yapping mouth and leads her out of the frame.
Undead Roy Orbison wants to know what Sookie is, but of course she has no idea. Sookie”s talents are all about, like, talkin”, not knowin”.
Back at Merlotte”s, LaFayette is still flirting with Jesus when a snooty lady puts in a food order. Jessica orders the snooty lady away from her table so that she can drink her snooty blood in the ladies room. Jessica also makes sure the snooty lady leaves a tip for Arlene, which is kind, given that Arlene is Arlene.
Jason is still gittin” it on with with the blond woodsy mystery girl when she gets offended by his flirtatious remarks. She starts crying — again — and then smells something out in the trees. She Must Go, of course, but not before ordering Jason to forget about her. That ALWAYS works in television.
Oh, great. Jesus is the child of a rape and doesn”t know who his Papi is, which means Jesus is a shapeshifter, or a were-skin-walker, or maybe a ghost. Place y”all bets, y”all. Anyway, Jesus tells LaFayette all this and then wants to make out. They kiss, but Jesus doesn”t turn into anything forthwith.
Sookie has bunches of questions for the Mississippi Vampire King. He deigns to confirm that he is not king of all vampires. Sookie, in turn, informs Mr. Orbison that she can read the thoughts of every type critter except the undead variety. Then she begs the king to spare Vampire Bill. Orbison repartees by informing her that Vampire Bill has been keeping a dossier on Sookie”s family.
Lorena is supposed to torture Vampire Bill to death now. King”s orders. That means laying out all her torture instruments like Dexter and catwalking around in a bunches of diamonds. Both she and Bill have their fangs out, on account of how it”s such an important occasion. Just as Vampire Bill proclaims he welcomes death, Cooter and Debbie blast in there to feast themselves on some of Bill”s blood.
Franklin has shaved in celebration of his presumed upcoming vampire nuptials to Tara, who is tied up and imprisoned in one of the Mississippi mansion rooms. Franklin offers to let Tara feed off of him, and she rips a giant hole in his neck.
Down in the foyer or thereabouts, Eric and Talbot are flirting over cards when the King hands over Sookie to a guard and announces he”s taking off for a while. Russell then asks Eric to accompany him, which sends Talbot trotting off in a fresh European-flavored snit. Sookie is thrown into a room to despair, when Tara sends her a message: She plans to make a break in the morning.
In the back of the king”s fabulous royal car, Eric hisses and spits about how vile werewolves are. Orbison reveals that he feeds the werewolves his own blood. And oh: He wants to use his vampire/werewolf alliance to, you know, conquer the human race. They go to visit the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, who overacts her way into another rejection. Eric throws her around after that, but he doesn”t kill her. He just says he”s leaving. So it appears there will be a wedding after all.
Oh: Eric”s plan for Viking revenge also involves flirting with Russell.
Jesus is taken back to LaFayette”s V Emporium, where they check out LaFayette”s trippy multi-god shrine. Jesus warns that some of the gods on the shrine are “fuckin” hard-core, dude” and that they need to appeased. You know, with tequila, or by watching Jesus and LaFayette get it on. Their coitus is interrupted by some hayseeds who try to destroy LaFayette”s sweet V-dealer ride. Jesus does not want to engage in coitus with a V-dealer; their romance appears doomed.
Shape Shiftin” Sam is still trying to drill Tommy about the family dynamic. They are interrupted when his mom enters, offers corn fritters and asks if she can have some alone time with Tommy. Then she and Tommy have a seriously country argument about how she can”t work no more and Joe Lee ain”t never left no matter what even though he sees Tommy as his meal ticket and it may not be right but the world ain”t right, son. The next day, Sam discovers that his kin done cleared out.
Tara is ready to make her break! There”s a wall full of weapons left over from the floor show at Excalibur and she takes one and bashes Franklin”s head in. That should buy her some time, I guess. She blusters her way into Sookie”s bedroom and they flee. They argue over whether they need to save Bill before Sookie”s whining eventually wears Tara down and they part ways. Naked hot Alcide intercepts Tara”s flight path and offers to help.
Jason, having been told to give up on Crystal, of course arrives at her shack with white roses. One of the hicks who attacked LaFayette”s car answers the door; turns out Crystal and the bigot are engaged. On his way home, Jason spots two people gittin” it on in their car. Turns out it”s the arrogant grommet from Merlotte”s the other night. Jason throws the grommet around a little bit and enjoys it greatly; he has lasted a record three whole days as a southern cop before going corrupt.
Shape Shiftin” Sam has a suspicion: Joe Lee may be using Tommy in local illegal dogfighting. It sure would explain the scars. On a tip from Andy Bellefleur, he heads to the Dog Fighting Place.
Sookie finds Bill all tore up, but then Lorena steps in and chomps on her neck. It doesn”t shut Sookie up; she whines louder than ever. Does that count as a new super power?