And so it has come to this: Andy Bellefleur has a more interesting sex life than anybody else on “True Blood” this season, and now the season is ending. Now that Marnie is dead, it”s about time to chisel Russell Edgington out of the cement and start killing off the ancillary characters that keep piling up like plastic Mardi Gras beads.
In the meantime, Antonia is gone, Marnie is living in Lafayette, and Jesus, who is supposed to be a supernatural supersniffer of all things spiritual, can”t figure out that there”s a lady occupying his boyfriend. As we open this episode, Jesus is rethinking his whole magic-chasing lifestyle while Lafayette/Marnie remains silent and stealthy and pretends like he wants to eat some fried eggs. Just when Jesus is about to leave for work, the possessed Lafayette forgets the eggs — which look magically delicious — and stabs Jesus in his hand.
Sookie, meanwhile, is in her kitchen when she sees a vision of her Gran, who died like two seasons ago. Tara is staying over and wanders in. Sookie imagines that Gran is in heaven and that one day she herself will have grandbabies, and, Jesus, girl, how much cream are you puttin” in that coffee?
Over at Tommy”s funeral, Mrs. Fortenberry and Sam talk. The general gist: Sad Tommy had to die, a shame he”s gone, he was kind of a pain, time to move on. Fortenberry leaves, and Sam smells that Luna is there. Indeed, three feet in front of him, Luna is there.
Jason tries to maintain eye contact with Hoyt, but instead they end up discussing Jessica, as in, big news, they”ve both shagged her, probably both in a truck. Hoyt don”t take kindly to a ho comin” between bros. Punching and personal insults ensue.
Lafayette Marnie has parlayed the fork-stabbing into a full-on imprisonment of Jesus. The brujo is now is tied up. Marnie even threatens to cut out Lafayette”s eyeball, unless Jesus somehow imparts his brujo magic. Jesus says he doesn”t know how, and besides, the demon inside him has a bone in his nose, and who wants that? Marnie threatens to hurt Lafayette again, so Jesus agrees to help. He says a spell. The bone-nosed demon with Forever 21 earrings jumps out of Jesus and into Marnie Lafayette.
Oh wow, it”s Halloween. Arlene and Terry are dressed as zombies, which, we are told, are the “new vampires.” Sookie doesn”t know about Tommy”s death because she hasn”t read any minds lately, but she gets filled in. Sookie also gets her job back.
Emma shows up at Merlotte”s, apparently by herself and … wait, are they introducing a new character in the finale? Yes they are. Meet Patrick, an old Marine Corps buddy of Terry”s. Arlene has just been talking about zombies, so my money”s on the idea that Patrick wants to eat Sookie”s brain.
Tara arrives at Chez Lafayette and finds Jesus, apparently quite dead, still tied up in his chair.
Alcide is at Merlotte”s too. He tells Sookie that he is shopping for a fresh bitch — werewolf humor, see — which means that Alcide and Sookie are destined to git it on. In fact, that”s just what Alcide suggests. Sookie says her dance card is full. Alcide leaves.
Holly arrives dressed as a fairy. Holly says she”s got a bad feelin” about today, perhaps because it”s the season finale. Then Tara runs up. She has deduced the Marnie-Lafayette connection all by herself and says it”s time to take action. Sookie and Holly and Tara pile into their Fairywitchcagefightermobile.
Miraculously, the demon-Marnie-Lafayette has breached the Vampire Royal Compound. In fact, the one-person trio has managed to kill all the goons and tie Bill and Eric in chains out on the lawn. Resplendent in a brand-new blue mumu, Marnie Lafayette speechifies while Holly secretly prepares a spell. Sookie uses her fairy hands, but that just pisses off Boney Nose. He sets the vampires on fire.
The three women join hands and chant, which angers the demon even more. The dead rise up from their graves, which are, like, 20 feet away, including Gran and Antonia. Antonia distracts Marnie while Gran pulls Marnie”s spirit out of Lafayette. Marnie looks awesome in a leather jacket and she delivers a monologue about how power is even awesomer. Antonia promises Marnie eternity of peace, which vampires, forever alive, will not get. Marnie seems to like that and she drop all her plans for revenge. Then Sookie interrupts and makes it all about her. Gran addresses Sookie”s existence so that Marnie can find her peace.
Now Lafayette is fine and the demon is nowhere.
Rene has apparently gained some weight. We know this because his spirit shows up outside Merlotte”s where Arlene is working. Arlene is freaked. But Rene just has a warning that Terry is suddenly bad news.
Jessica is dressed as Red Riding Hood and she”s hankerin” for Jason”s big bad wolf. She goes to his place and they git it on, but she doesn”t want a relationship. Jason”s cool with that, I guess. They switch positions and keep gittin” it on.
Pam offers the line of the night: “I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name.” Pam is totally jealous of Sookie and, apparently, cured of her flesh-eating Marnie disease.
Lafayette is blaming himself for Jesus”s death, and Tara is comforting him. Eric and Bill, meanwhile, are both sucking on Sookie. Wise vampires would all go to the beach and lie in the sun, but instead they all give thanks over the fact that they all exist. King Bill says it”s OK for Sookie and Eric to continue gittin” it on, but she”s dumping both of them because Alcide is out there running around, possibly shirtless.
A wind is blowing in Lafayette”s room, and Jesus is there. His advice to Lafayette? “Just keep breathing, baby.” Then, poof! Jesus is, once again, muerte.
Andy Bellefleur rolls up on Holly with fresh flowers. She says she”s not interested, even though Andy is almost studly when he”s sober and confident. They hug it out.
Luna and Sam talk about their love, specifically, whether they should talk about talking about it. That”s about it. Luna leaves and a mystery wolf shows up instead.
Final scenes: This better be good! Jason is pleased to hear that Jessica enjoyed their sex, but he wonders if there”s something wrong with him because of the mean things Hoyt said to him. Jessica assures Jason that he is just terrific. She”s just hungry, that”s all, and needs to bail so that she can find a stranger to glamour. She leaves, and the reverend from last season shows up. He”s a vampire now.
And, yep, it”s good all right! Alcide walks down into a parking garage and discovers that Russell. Edgington. Is. Back.
Nan shows up Bill”s Royalty Shack with a bunch of masked goons. Eric is also there. They all go into his office. Nan says she has quit the Authority and the American Vampire League. She also warns that there is a vampire death fatwa on Bill and Eric, and says the three of them should team up. Nan insults the two of them and calls them Sookie”s puppy dogs, so Bill stakes her while Eric beheads the goons.
Someone is trying to kill Sookie again: Debbie with a shotgun. Debbie breaks into Sookie”s house. Sookie offs her, but not before: Bombshell!
Tara takes a bullet to the head. Or somewhere. Somebody help. Somebody!
What’d y’all make of the finale?