Plunk on that git-tar, long may she twang! It’s the opening theme music that signals yet another new episode of “True Blood”! For our theme singer, not much has changed; he still wants to do bad thangs with yoooooo. But for our main characters, including Jason Stackhouse, the world is rapidly becoming very different. Last season Jason was feckless, just feckless. But now he’s becoming not just a big-time vampire hater but a leader among big-time vampire haters. You know, the vampire haters? The ones what love Jesus but want to flatten the unnatural bloodsuckers amongst us? Right. Those. When a few of them try to prank Jason in the beginning of the episode, he socks a dude in the nose.
[Full recap of Sunday (July 12) night’s “True Blood” after the break…]
Poor Hoyt. When last we saw him he was just trying to get some with Jessica, the newly found vampiress love of his sweet, pure life. Then Vampire Bill had to come barging in and break up their — necking. “Is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on?” she purrs. Someone got paid to write that. Sookie seizes upon this incident to float a theory: Bill hates vampires and, ergo, hates himself. Another big Southern speech ensues in which Bill insists he merely envies Jessica. Hold on a sec. The speechifying is supposed to happen after sex. I want my dirty neck-chomping sex scene. Instead I get dialogue.
“I am a vampire,” Bill reasons. “I am supposed to be tortured.” And so’s your accent.
Shape Shiftin’ Sam is still skinny-dipping with the new waitress with the big scratches on her back. They’ve been in that lake since last episode and neither of them look pruny or anything. The waitress hints that she’s from someplace more exciting than tiny Bon Temps. Romania perhaps? J’accuse!
Sam reminds us he is leaving town. He seems close to actually doing the leaving when the scratched-up skinny-dipping waitress says she wants pancakes. She exits the lake, giving Sam a nice view of (a) her ass and (b) her scratches.
Back at Mary-Ann’s House o’ Good Times, Tara announces she misses Sookie and is moving out. The lustful scene in the previous episode apparently creeped Tara out and she wants to bail. “Go, flourish, and don’t ever say no to yourself,” Mary-Ann insists. Tara returns to Sookie, who presents Tara with a birthday gift. Sookie also reminds us, as she does every episode, how much she misses her Grandma. Oh, Grandma. Sookie misses her so.
Whoops. Looks like Lafayette failed to clue in Tara on his escape from the vampire dungeon; it falls to Sookie to break all the news to Tara. Tara doesn’t even know Lafayette has returned to Bon Temps. Go easy on Lafayette, Tara! He was in a vampire dungeon!
Back at the Sunshine ‘n’ Truth Jesus Camp, leader Steve pages Jason in the middle of a Bible argument so that Steve can show Jason his anti-vampire practice guns.
Remember the lady who was found dead in the beginning of the season? A nasty poison paralyzed the dead huckster woman and then some sort of animal human thing ripped out her heart, so sayeth the coroner. The scratches look exactly like the ones that Sookie briefly suffered from, and the ones currently decorating the skinny-dipping waitress.
LaFleur bursts in being all bitter and obviously drunk and his boss takes his badge. This is all going to end badly. I wonder which sort of critter LeFleur will turn into, the one with the claws and the poison or the one that’s undead and sucks blood and makes speeches after sex.
Ooooh, Tara is pissed. She confronts Lafayette, who is unrepentant. “Bitch,” Lafayette says, “You know I love you.” Only Lafayette can say that. He boots her out so he can be alone and lay there. Tara heads back to her own house to lay there in the same fashion, and to produce some self-pitying tears. Eek. Someone is spying on her in the window. It’s a surprise visit from Mary-Ann and Tara’s boyfriend Eggs and that quiet bald cook dude. There’s a big birthday cake because it’s Tara’s birthday. It looks suspiciously like a wedding cake. And Mary-Ann announces there’s going to be yet another Bacchanal. Those never get old, especially when that dumpy lady shows up and her eyes go black.
Over at Merlotte’s, Terry wonders if he has what it takes to run the restaurant after Sam leaves town. He wonders this aloud to Sookie, who did not know that Sam was leaving town. Sookie, being Sookie, must follow and confront, follow and confront. She lectures Sam about how he’s leaving things, which is profoundly annoying. LeFleur makes things even harder for Sam by getting drunk and not leaving. Then again, he’s the only one in the place that night; eventually everybody decides to go to Tara’s party. Tara’s mom stops by Merlotte’s with a prezzy for her daughter. Who knew she could wrap?
Cut back to Sunshine n Truth Jesus Camp. Jason and Steve go four-wheelin’ and practice shooting targets painted to look like vampires. Jason admits to Steve he has seen a vampire die; Steve is impressed. Steve’s wife continues to flirt in that Jesus-lovin’ way with Jason at a barbecue later in the day. She licks a beer bottle just like the apostles probably did. Also at that BBQ, Steve announces he is forming a crack anti-vampire unit called Soldiers of the Sun and he wants Jason to join.
Remember that fact-finding excursion to Dallas? Sookie steps out of the plane looking like a lead “consultant” at a Mary Kay convention. The limo driver acts hinky, so Vampire Bill leaps out of his travel coffin and does the darting-and-staring routine. The coffins are all sleek and futuristic like space coffins. Later the vampires take the hinky limo driver somewhere and use him to help teach Jessica how to glamor humans. There’s a whole lot of staring here. But why is Leon the Limo Man so shifty? It’s just nobody knows.
At Tara’s party, Sam does his best Vampire Bill impression by standing up to Mary-Ann and mumbling something about how these are his friends and he’ll never let anyone hurt them. Sam even tries his hand at glaring. Mary-Ann isn’t impressed. The waitress with the scratches on her back shows up; Sam seems to like that OK. Mary-Ann wanders over to the gift table and tosses Tara’s Mom’s prezzy into the bushes. Then she wanders off into the street.
Jason tells his worshippy friends he is now a Soldier of the Sun, y’all. The jealous dude who pranked Jason earlier is just flummoxed, but he also makes an observation: Sarah is after Jason’s sweet hot Godly love.
Jessica likes glamoring a little too much and makes her poor human say embarrassing things very loudly in a Dallas hotel lobby.
OK, now things are getting interesting. Mary-Ann goes off alone and says some sort of prayer in an ancient-sounding language and the whole party starts to get all lust-filled. Eggs takes Tara upstairs and they get it on.
Lafayette is all alone when the Oontz Oontz Vampire Sheriff shows up and offers the “healing elixir that is my blood.” Lafayette doesn’t want to partake, but his leg is infected and he knows he needs it. Oontz insists he just wants to do something nice, but then he admits he’s just offering his elixir for some rickety reason that has something to do with Lafayette’s connection to Sookie.
Oh for God’s sake, you vampires, Leon has had enough. Just let him go back to the Jesus Camp. Yes, Leon reveals, that’s who sent him to fulfill his kidnapping duties. Using glamor, Bill “convinces” Leon that the vampires “never arrived” and sends him back to his masters. Up in their hotel room, Sookie and Bill try to get it on, but the Oontz Oontz Vampire Sheriff bangs on the door. He wants to discuss a mysterious vampire named Godric, who has something to do with the trip to Dallas.
Godric is an old vampire who is very powerful. He has been abducted by humans, it seems. The Oontz Oontz vampire likes Godric and wants to help free him. It’s really very sweet.
Jason moves in with Steve and Sarah. Sarah comes to see him in her lingerie to say she’s proud of him.
Sam and the scratched-up waitress get it on at Tara’s party. Then Sam tries to tell her he’s a shape-shifter but she indicates she already knows. They go back to getting it on. Everybody gets it on or plants their face in the cake and their eyes go all black and swimmy. One lady eats dirt. Mary-Ann likes the scene and starts to vibrate again. Then her hands turn into talons.
A bell-hop named Barry comes to Sookie’s room to drop off a human snack for Jessica. Barry and Sookie read each other’s minds and it’s all, whoa, crazy town. Word of advance warning: If this is in any way a Luke and Leia situation, I’m gone.
What’d you think of Sunday night’s “True Blood”?