News flash: Vampires cannot use the contractions, for they must speak every word the long, convoluted way, yes. For any other way must degrade and detract from the inborn blood dignity of the vampire. Or some sort of such.
“You are a fool for sending humans ahh-fter me,” a newly rescued Godric intones to a simpering Eric Northman at the top of this episode.
“I am not leaving your side,” Northman replies.
And I cannot and will not believe that I am viewing such a tableau. Eric skitters off to rescue a human, leaving Godric standing there looking like an extra from “Friday Night Lights.”
[Full recap of Sunday’s (Aug. 9) “True Blood,” titled “Timebomb,” after the break…]
Oh, come on. Like the “True Blood” producers would even consider killing off the silliest, dopiest, most ripped dude on the show. Of course Jason Stackhouse is alive; Sarah just shot him with a paint gun last episode. Oh, snap, she just done shot ‘im agin! In the ball sack, y’all!
She’s pissed because he ran off, you see. But then Jason and Sarah git to talkin’. Jason learns that Sookie is being held prisoner in the church. Then he gets all southern and threaty and mean lookin’. Luckily for the Sunshine Jesus Vampire Hater Camp, Steve has put the compound on lockdown.
Eric Northman and Sookie start skulking around looking for an escape route. Then Eric whispers into her neck, asking her to trust him. I think that was supposed to be some sort of bonding. Too many religoids are blocking an escape via front exit, so Sookie and Eric head toward the back, only to get pinned down right at the brand-new vampire frying slab. Jason comes blazing back toward said vampire frying slab, flashes his ring o’ truth and clobbers his way inside.
Sookie begs Steve — now glad in a Godly white suit — to free them, but no! The holy bonfire must go on. Apparently unable to run real fast all of a sudden, Eric sees that he is surrounded and volunteers to get chained up for Godric’s sake.
Back at the Hemophiliac Hilton, Vampire Bill is glaring again, this time at Lorena, his Maker Lady, who wants to suck on telepathic ex bellboy Barry. Bill clobbers Maker Lady with a flat-screen TV — something he apparently couldn’t do at all before now — and saves the telepath.
Then Vampire Bill leaves so he can bust in on Jessica and Hoyt, who are gittin’ it on, to glare at them. Poor Hoyt has to take Jessica home to Bon Temps, proving once and for all that if there is any good time happening within a 10-mile radius, Bill can suss it out, run real fast, and kill it.
Jessica and Hoyt go back to Bon Temps and try to git it on there, but it hurts. Turns out Jessica’s — you know, virginity — grew back. Because she’s a vampire. Buzzkill.
Lafayette is reading Tara’s tarot cards, which indicate the girl has Sacrifice and Justice in her future. Then Eggs walks in, pacing and barking and staring. He has suffered another lapse in time; he can’t remember the last couple of hours. Lafayette does not volunteer to read Eggs’s future, which would feature the Stabby card.
Sam is sleeping in his car when he gets a phone call with a moaner on the other end. This must be code for Go Inside Merlotte’s, because Sam goes inside Merlotte’s. Oh noooes! It’s Daphne, dead, with a hole in her chest! Sam’s doggie sense of smell catches the scent of a setup, and he hesitates to call the sheriff. But in the end, the law shows up anyway, and two law enforcers grill Sam and look askance at him.
Dinnertime at Mary-Ann’s House o’ Good Times! And Daphne’s Heart is on the menu, y’all! Mary-Ann fries it up with some lovely mirepoix.
Speaking of good cookin’, Eric has commenced to fry on the vampire cooking slab when Vampire Bill finally winds up his other errands and shows up. Then Jason busts in with some actual balls between his legs and opens fire. Sookie unchains Eric, who contemplates smashing Steve’s neck before — oh, howdy, Urban Cowboy Vampire! Impressive walking formation you and your friends have, striding through the front doors of the sanctuary, there.
Urban CowVamp reveals he is the one who killed Steve’s father, which gets everybody het up until Godric appears on a balcony, looking peaceful and intoning wise things. Godric offers a live-and-let-live solution for everybody in the room, but Steve rejects it. Godric intones some more, this time in a way that discredits Steve and makes him moany and isolated and devoid of followers.
Jason begs Sookie to forgive him for hanging out with those crazed religoid bastards. Jason then turns to Steve, says he tagged Sarah, decks the fallen cult leader and bails.
Bellefleur bursts into Merlotte’s amid the sheriff grilling and says he saw some crazy whatnot that might prove Sam’s innocence. Then again, Andy is also a paranoid alkie. So Sam gets pinched and thrown in jail. Some of the revelers from the last orgy are there in lockup too, including a dude who f***ed a pine tree.
Mary-Ann serves Eggs and Tara a Daphne-heart souffle. It’s tasty. I’m guessing it’s so tasty it makes Tara’s eyes go black. Oh wait. I was wrong. It makes Tara and Eggs slap each other around and THEN their eyes go black. Then they git it on.
Freedom party at Godric’s! Godric thanks Jason, saying Stackhouse did everybody a solid by shooting up the vampire frying sanctuary; Jason can come back and hang out vampire style in Dallas whenever he wants. Eric Northman isn’t so impressed, given Jason’s past dealings with V, but Northman forgives Stackhouse and calls things even.
Is Vampire Bill avoiding Sookie? Either way, Sookie wants to talk and talk and talk about it. But Bill won’t spill about being delayed by Maker Lady when he should have been running real fast, vampire style, in Sookie’s direction. Instead, Bill picks a fight with Eric, something about how Sookie “will never be yours!”
Isabel marches into the Godric Freedom Soiree with Hugo the Betrayer and throws the two-timing human around in front of Godric. Godric sees Isabel still loves Hugo despite it all, and frees the human. Urban Cowboy vampire doesn’t like that decision, but he’s not the Sheriff and Godric is, so there. Godric even goes so far as to blame his fellow vampires for the creation of the whole Sunshine Jesus Vampire Hating movement, because vampires may have great clothes and throw epic parties, but they’re still scary.
Jason seeks forgiveness from Vampire Bill for going all religoid and anti-undead. Maker Lady, Lorena, introduces herself to Sookie at the same time. Lorena does a nice job of making Sookie jealous. Vampire Bill glares at Lorena something awful. Godric rushes up to Lorena and orders her to retract her fangs before she tears out Sookie’s neck. He’s the authority in this nest. Or, wait. He is the authority in this nest. I threw a contraction in there. My bad.
Godric lectures Lorena and calls her a savage and says he fears for all vampires and declares he wishes her gone before dawn. She cries pints of blood, especially when Bill declares he shall never! See her! Again!
A pair of Doc Martens is crashing the party. It’s that brunette guy, Luke, the one from Vampire Sunshine Camp who was always so jealous of Jason. He unzips his jacket to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest with silver chains. Time for all the vampires to run, the way vampires do, really, really fast.
Will things go boom?