This may or may not be the episode where Jessica pops her shirt open. We”ve been seeing that promo for weeks now, and it would, indeed, be right nice if Jessica would just get to the shirt poppin” already, but until then, we”re stuck with a scene involving a teenager licking Jason Stackhouse”s bloody head. You”ll remember from the season opener last week that the panther children of Sure Shot done clocked Jason, in his hade, to be exact, and locked him in a cooler. The teenager, feeling guilty, helps to free Jason, but not before Crystal”s squire busts in with a shotgun and threatens to bust a cap up Jason”s sorry ass. Stackhouse”s ass is quite a lucrative one for Alan Ball, and something tells us that the shotgun will not win.
Meanwhile, Sookie and Eric Northman are negotiating whether the Nordic vampire actually owns her blood, which “tastes like freedom,” for the record. Eric reminds Sookie that she “needs protection” due to that mango-flavored blood of hers, and that Eric could supply that if she would just, you know, agree to be owned. We could think of more dire fates than that. Sookie, for whatever TV reason, disagrees.
The spy witch is briefing King Vampire Bill about the zombie budgie, while also flashing her briefs. Vampire Bill does not resist and shags her with aplomb. Life is good for him, but not for the regulars over at Fangtasia. Russell Edgington”s TV killing spree has scared up a bunch of outraged humans from Central Casting who gather at the bar to try to shame the hot people within. Jessica”s boyfriend stares down a sanctimonious fattie in a T-shirt before getting into the inevitable fangbanger-on-religoid scrum. Another jackass records the whole thing on a smartphone.
Sam and Luna have finished their run through the nature in horse form. The two are naked and lying on the ground, but instead of initiating, you know, horseplay, Sam says, “I want to know more about you!” Luna likes that, but she must have issues because she switches back to horse form and gallops back into the nature.
Sookie wanders over to Vampire Bill”s Vampire Mansion but the security grunts intercept her. Bill gallantly halts sex with his witch spy to parlay. He introduces Katerina just as she puts back on her witch spy wardrobe and bails. Sookie wants some aid in fending off Eric; her kingly ex says he can work on it but can”t make any promises. They exchange meaningful goodbyes.
Jesus is real psyched about the zombie budgie and wants to see more. But that”s black magic, y”all, and Lafayette does not wish to witness any more undead avian action. They discuss this issue and then make out.
Flashback! It”s London in 1982! Bring on the punks and the 24 hour party people! Vampire Bill has a head full of Dippity Doo (or maybe Dep!) and a mouth that sounds like Michael Caine now! Bloody all right! Pull that man a pint, Colin, and then hold still so that Bill can suck your blood! Hold still, I say! Good bloke. Bill glamours the barkeep into submission and then retracts his fangs, his work done for the evening. God save the Queen and all that. Nan then enters the picture and introduces herself to Bill for the first time. She is intrigued that Bill doesn”t kill his human blood sausages. She wants to recruit Bill for this new vampire rights thing she”s working on. She”s even working on a blood substitute with Louis Pasteur, who is a vampire, by the way. All Bill needs to do is infiltrate the vampire monarchies and become a spook for the good of the vampire race.
Cut back to the present. Sam is still surly at Sookie about her mystery trip to Land of Disco Fruit. Terry and family arrive and Sookie coos over the demon baby and calls him an old soul, which terrifies Arlene. Demons have really old souls. In fact when Arlene stares into her baby”s eyes, her own eye gets all bloody. She insists that her own baby is rotten to the core.
Lo, who”s this visiting Sam? It”s Luna. Sadly, she”s fully clothed, but she”s working on it. She is, she assures him, there to seduce Sam, at least, eventually, but she”s got some dark past or something. She can”t talk about it yet or it”ll ruin the suspense for the series finale.
Back at Sure Shot, Andy Bellefleur arrives, armed with a warrant against the people of Sure Shot. Says he”s after V dealers, but he”s really just after V. Still, it”s Crystal who races into Jason”s room of captivity. She”s high on V and full of ideas about how they can be together for, like, ever, but she won”t let Jason get rescued. She silences him to the best of her ability without turning panther, using a knife to threaten him. Crystal”s man arranges for Bellefleur to get his “evidence” without putting bullets through every tin shack in Sure Shot.
Sookie has some groceries and a vision of ugly fairies at the same time. It”s terrifying, but, luckily, Tara arrives just then and hugs her old friend like the dickens. Also, Eric has bought Sookie a new microwave. And left some blood in the fridge in a stylish decanter. Sookie has a hot vampire boyfriend who buys her things, but he also built himself a sleeping cubby in her (his?) new house. Not cool! Tara”s next stop is Lafayette”s. He admits that he”s kind of a Wiccan now, and they all agree to go to the next coven together.
Poor Hoyt. He has frozen peas on his eye from that fat religoid righteous hand of God. Jessica offers to heal him with her blood. He replies that he don”t need that shit, which, natch, chaps Jessica”s ass. She is on and up out. Way out. She decides to leave town and head for Shreveport.
King Vampire Bill meets with Eric and tries to buy back Sookie”s house without success. Eric is much more intrigued to hear that there are necromancers hanging around at the Moon Goddess Emporium. If necromancers can control dead budgies they can, apparently, control vampires, too. Eric agrees to head to the Emporium that very evening and put a stop to this madness.
Another flashback! Finally, we get to see how Vampire Bill bested Sophie Ann. Turns out, he brought armed humans to outnumber Sophie Ann, with all the humans bearing wooden bullets with a silver core. Sophie Ann is way dead now. Nan was also present at Sophie Ann”s bloodening, and she is pleased. Interesting side note: Bill lies to Nan and says there”s nothing special about Sookie”s sweet blood. Nothing. Nothing supernatural or mangolike or anything. Move along. No fairy blood to see here.
Sookie goes to Pam to beg for some sort of traction against Eric. Sookie has failed to forget that Eric is Pam”s maker, the little fool. Instead Pam suggests that Sookie calm her fairy ass down and settle for being Eric”s Tinkerbell.
The religoids are back at Fangtasia and Jessica has to slink past them in slow motion looking hot. She catches sight for that fang-banger from before and gives him the eye. The two hook up in the bathroom, but then Sookie has to go wandering in there too.
Over at the coven, Marnie pledges to bring a person back from the dead. Tara needs to get out of there and call her hot girlfriend. While she”s doing that, Eric busts in (uninvited, by the way) and asks what”s all this about looking for a dead body. This coven must dissolve. Now. Marnie tries to argue but Lafayette bids her shut up. Marnie won”t listen. Eric gets his bite on. The witches join hands to fight back. Everything gets all windy and dark. Marnie starts talking in Latin, which cannot be good for Eric because he goes all wide-eyed and slack jawed. Then he bails.
Sam is meeting with his shape-shifter friends. Luna is half-Mexican and half-Navajo and she once shape-shifted into her mother. She grew up listening to the legends of evil witch skinwalkers, which are like them, only evil; skinwalkers get their powers only from murdering other shifters. Luna”s mother died giving birth to her, so the implication is that Luna isn”t one of the good shifters but rather a skinwalker. Oh no! Naked Tommy is spying on them! Everybody turn into animals and get him!
Tommy has been lying about his leg, which is really fine. The two get into a naked argument out in the night and yell it out. (You lied to me. No, you lied to me.) But they love each other and want to be brothers again.
Poor Jason is still all tied up and whatnot. Turns out, Crystal wants to make a baby with Jason. Crystal”s man shoots blanks, see, and she wants a li”l panther. The only way Crystal can get her panther cub is to make Jason a panther person too. Before Jason knows it, he”s both tied up, and surrounded by panthers who proceed to chomp his flesh.
Sookie is driving alone, which means something is about to happen. And it does. She sees Eric walking slack-jawed along the side of the dang road. Marnie has turned his brain to jelly with her witch Latin and Eric doesn”t recognize her.
All he knows is that she smells real good.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Share your thoughts below.