So, all’s well at Camille’s fabulous Beaver Creek home. Everyone’s resting apres ski, the house is quiet, life is good. Oh, except that Taylor is losing her effing mind. Well, that’s certainly not chic. The nerve!
Anyway, we start things off with a whole mess of crazy — no dipping a toe in the water here. Taylor crawls into bed with Kim. Taylor and Kim, not friends. Taylor once told Kim she was going to open a can of Nebraska whup-ass on her. Anyway, Taylor’s drunk and she’s SO sorry about EVERYTHING. But really, Taylor doesn’t want to apologize. She wants to complain. She grew up with nothing! She doesn’t want to be poor again! This is disturbing for so many reasons, not the least of which is that she’s not really friends with Kim and if you’re taking life advice from Kim you’d be better off calling a psychic hotline. Anyway, Taylor just wants Kim to forgive her! Kyle pops in (since she is sharing a room with Kim) and tries to lighten the mood. Taylor, Kim and Kyle all admit to being assholes together and cackle lovingly. Oh, good. Taylor’s better now, right?
Um, no, unless better really means ready for a rubber room.
But in the kitchen, everything is peaceful. A fleet of Camille’s personal minions are cooking fabulous, fancy food while wearing cute matching chef’s jackets. How elegant! How sophisticated! What a lovely, tasteful vacation Camille has planned!
Oh, look. Taylor has crawled into Kim and Kyle’s closet and is hiding herself in Kyle’s suitcase while whining in a creepy baby voice that she wants to go home. When you’ve had serious lip injections, pouting isn’t cute. It’s terrifying.
Kim and Kyle, who are looking increasingly freaked out, jolly Taylor out of their room. I hope they lock the door behind her. But no, they foolishly venture into the hallway. This is like the moment in a horror movie when you scream at the dumb coed, “NO! Run! Don’t just stand there and scream with your top off! RUN!” Anyway, Taylor snatches Kim and Kyle out of the hallway and into her room. Taylor needs to speak to them privately. And by speak, I mean spew crazy on them like a raging case of ebola.
Kim goes in search of Adrienne. She suggests that Adrienne should talk to Taylor, as I think Kim and Kyle have exceeded their recommended daily allowance for crazy.
But Taylor will not be managed so easily. She sobs to Lisa. Her make-up bag is gone! It’s gone! Those goddamn TV people took it! Because they’re monsters who eat pink lip gloss with their tentacle-like mouths! Quick, everyone, go make a tin foil hat to protect yourself from the alien spies who are after us! Taylor shrieks that she doesn’t want to be the crazy effin bitch. Um, too late, Taylor. Right now, reality TV casting agents are posting ads looking for “a Taylor Armstrong type: you know, a totally effing crazy bitch.”
Lisa, the voice of reason (I think she needs a little hat that says that, just so everyone remembers) thinks Taylor is drinking too much to cope with her marriage. Man, I hope it’s just alcohol. Kim and Kyle try to get Taylor to eat dinner in much the same way parents of toddlers try to convince little Jimmy to let the choo-choo train deposit a load of peas. Taylor starts cackling about tuna char-char, which I hope is an inside joke because if anything she seems even crazier now, and drinks a glass of Coke.
Poor Camille, who is expecting to have a super fabulous, extremely refined and pleasant dinner party, comes downstairs to more chaos than you usually find at Chuck E. Cheese after the birthday cake’s been served and the sugar’s hit. Lisa tries to explain that Taylor’s having, um, problems. Camille suggests it’s the altitude. She doesn’t want another dinner party from hell. Hey, Camille, look on the bright side. This time, no one’s yelling at you!
Adrienne tells Taylor she’s having a nervous breakdown. Taylor nods, as if she’s just been told her purse is pretty. Adrienne notices Taylor’s eyes are glassy and she’s seriously worried about her. I wonder if staring at someone and telling them they’re having a nervous breakdown is particularly helpful, as if they are having one they probably don’t care and if they’re not they feel REALLY stupid.
Kyle gets the award for Iciest Comment of the Night! She feels bad for Taylor, but “we’re on vacation, come on!” The worst part is, at this point, I’m siding with Kyle.
Taylor starts weeping. She says being in Mason’s little boy room is making her realize what Kelsey did to Camille. She hugs Camille. Because what happened to Camille could happen to her! I think at this point Taylor would find some way to make a soldier surviving an IED all about her.
Finally, everyone makes it to the dinner table. While Taylor basks in the knowledge that every one is thinking about her and her alone, the women debate about Russell and loneliness and finally a poor server asks if she can describe the carrot ginger soup to everyone. I have never seen Lisa so eager to find out about a bowl of carrot ginger soup in her life. I expect her to reach out, grab the server, and beg, “Can you tell me if this is vegan? What seasonings are in this again? Read the list s-l-o-w-l-y, thank you.”
Back in Los Angeles, Paul and Mauricio and Ken go out to smoke cigars. Paul suggest the boys go skiing. Mauricio wants to go heliskiing. Ken thinks that sounds hard. Yawn. Russell isn’t there because he’s in San Diego. So, the guys talk about Russell and Taylor. And now we rehash Ken’s “therapy is for the weak” comment. Yawn. All we really need is for someone working on the show to sit down on the sofa, bury his or her face in his or her hands and say, okay guys, try a little harder this time. Take thirty-two!
We return to Colorado. More Taylor time. Adrienne doesn’t know what to think about Taylor’s claims of physical abuse. That’s a great non-answer! Lisa asks Taylor if she thinks she deserves better. Taylor doesn’t. Taylor cries some more. But she’s in love with Russell! But she doesn’t love herself! God, Taylor, eat your effin’ soup and go to bed. I know, Taylor’s life sucks, I feel for her and yes, it’s definitely about to get worse, but this is tantamount to getting wasted, vomiting in your friend’s new car and wetting her bed for good measure.
Kim thinks it’s time to change the subject. YES! She cracks jokes and waves a napkin and generally acts wacky and wildly uncomfortable. Fine by me. I’m more than eager to get off the Taylor crazy train myself.
Finally, the weekend of pain and good food is over. Kyle and Adrienne talk about Taylor in the limo home from the airport. Kyle thinks its the altitude and the alcohol and, oh, the hellish meltdown of her marriage that really got to Taylor. These three things often make people believe that camera crews are stealing their make-up bags.
In Malibu, it’s time for A Moment with Camille. Camille and Dedra sit by the lily pond. Camille knows she’ll want to move away from her five acre spread eventually, but she’s not ready to move yet. Dedra interviews Camille. What do you miss most about Kelsey and all his money and houses and wonderful stuff? “Well, Dedra, what I miss most is not having a partner.” Personal chefs, ski homes, pshaw! Camille only yearns for love! This tells me she really did get half of Kelsey’s money, to which I say, you go, girl! Camille talks about Taylor. She feels for Taylor. I keep waiting for Barbara Walters to storm in and say, hey, this is MY gig, I do the touchy-feely interviews around here, bitches, but no such luck.
Kyle is embarrassed to tell Mauricio about what happened in Colorado. She doesn’t want him to think all the housewives are insane! Oh, honey, I think it’s too late for that. I mean, you may not all be insane, but a few of you have enough crazy for everybody. Instead, Kyle talks about Kim. She feels like they’re in a good place. Mauricio, however, is not, as Kim said he stole her house during that ugly limo fight last season. He wants an apology. Ah, some future drama to look forward to.
Lisa wants to expand Sur, but Ken isn’t interested. She has a little trick she does on Christmas and birthdays, and if she has to she’ll take one for the team. Oh, oh, no, I think that’s TMI. Ack, what happened to British reserve? Ack!
The Maloofs own the Sacramento Kings, and the Sacramento Kings are probably leaving Sacramento. This will not be a hit with fans, obviously. Paul learns that there’s a security risk for Adrienne and himself if they go to the last game of the season. It’s dangerous — people may throw drinks at Adrienne! Paul doesn’t want to go. Adrienne is going. She ain’t afraid of no stinkin’ sodas!
Ah, back to Taylor. She’s meeting with her life coach Melanie. What, can she not afford a real therapist? Or can she not read self-help books? She felt she absorbed everyone’s different perspectives during the Colorado vacation and she’s confused and overwhelmed. She never should have talked to her friends about her marriage! I think your friends would have appreciated that, Taylor. The life coach assures her she can help her get her marriage back on track. Um, yeah, no.
Paul and Adrienne fight in the limo. Paul doesn’t think Adrienne understands how dangerous this situation is! Drinks! Will! Be! Thrown! They’ve invited Kim to come along for some reason. They call Kim from the car. “We’re sitting at the airport, private jet, hello? Where are you, Kim? We are totally richer than you so you should be nice!” Kim does not know who they are. For several minutes. And then she apologizes and babbles nonsensically and says she’ll be right there. Paul and Adrienne are pretty sure she’s loaded or crazy. I see another meltdown for episode three!
What did you think of Taylor’s behavior in Colorado? Do you think Kim has a Problem? And do you think Adrienne’s making a mistake going to Sacramento?